I hear ya. Tomorrow is our baby's 1st birthday. We went through so much to help him fight for his little life and we have such a strong intimate connection, as you say. My H won't be here to celebrate with us. It's hard. The baby looks just like him but with my blue eyes. Watching him grow and accomplish new things each day and knowing that his daddy, who loves him very much, is missing it all and will continue to miss most of it....well, it just breaks my heart.
Okay, so I'm trying to think of WHY I want to get back together with him. I don't know if things will change. I'm sure the BAD stuff CAN change but what about the big stuff that is just personality difference or different working styles, etc., that interfere with cohesive teamwork?
The things I thought we had in common, I don't know if we really do. Like, I'm not sure I really know him. He's been acting so differently than what I thought he was or believed in....I can't figure out if this is the REAL him that he has just been keeping buried or if this is a phase.
After 9 years, I think you do know what his good aspects are.
As for the personality differences and working styles, that is the divorce trap - that is how people convince themselves and life will be easier w/o their partner or with a different partner. No matter who you choose to be with, there WILL be differences. The important thing is to minimize them through the DB techniques. So, unless there is something really bad there, finding a new H won't actually help, you'll just substitute a new person and bring the same set of problems to the new R.
So, you are sure the bad things could change if he decides to come back. It sounds to me like that is a darn good reason to give it a shot.
MLC/QLC crisis spouses, and even your generic WASs, say and do BIZARRE and MEAN things. It is just a phase, but it can last for months or longer depending on the person. He is going through a huge crisis inside his head, so of course he is going to act weird.
Worst case scenario, you go your separate ways. But at least you tried everything.
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
Today is the baby's first birthday. What a difference a year makes! I continue to be amazed with him. He is definitely a miracle.
What a hard year it has been for this family. I guess I can't blame my H for wanting to escape. I want to escape, too, sometimes. Of course, he could've found a healthier way to do it. Maybe I escaped in my own unhealthy ways. We both were hurting or scared but didn't cling to each other to get through it.
We've talked a few times today. He's trying really hard to try to get up here for the baby's birthday party Saturday. His tire blew last night and the others were in pretty bad shape, too. So he had to get new tires today. Today is pay day and it usually doesn't go well because we don't agree with how the money is distributed and too many times, he has messed up/with my allotment. He does things often as a knee-jerk reaction when he's angry and then when he's calmer, forgets about it....and forgets to fix it.
Anyway, we had to work together as a team today on a few financial issues and lo and behold, we actually WORKED TOGETHER! lol.. without fighting! lol Reading on this forum has helped me TREMENDOUSLY to do things differently. I've learned to check my attitude. Plus, keep a PMA when I talk to him (you have no idea how hard that can be). I knew that if I wasn't careful today, we would go down that same dead end road of fighting about money. One of his biggest complaints about me is that I don't work WITH him when it comes to the money or listen to his advice.
I sat in the chair looking out the window and really let myself FEEL. I keep such a guard on my emotions because too often, I let them jerk me around by the nose. I really LET myself think about the things I love about him and about the happy memories. It was nice. I feel encouraged.
In my heart, it all feels fixable, with a lot of work, compromise, team effort, etc. But it just doesn't feel irreparable. Hm, maybe I AM allowing myself to HOPE. lol Too often, I mistake hope for naivete or denial. I don't want to be blind or unwise but I don't want to NOT hope. Hope makes me feel alive. It's a fine balance.
I truly don't want anyone else and I love him very much. I know that he is on his own journey and as his friend, I want the journey to do the work it is meant to do. I want him to be happy....rather, I want him to have JOY. Happiness depends on HAPPENINGS. Joy is that eye of the storm, calm center, that keeps you grounded no matter what is swirling around you. That's what I want for him, with or without me.
What a hard year it has been for this family. I guess I can't blame my H for wanting to escape. I want to escape, too, sometimes. Of course, he could've found a healthier way to do it. Maybe I escaped in my own unhealthy ways. We both were hurting or scared but didn't cling to each other to get through it.
I am glad you can realize the part you may have played in the R problems without blaming yourself. It's more important to focus on fixing the future than the past (since you can't lol).
Originally Posted By: lovnlrn
We've talked a few times today. He's trying really hard to try to get up here for the baby's birthday party Saturday.
While the universe is not cooperating, I am happy that he wants to be with his family for this.
Originally Posted By: lovnlrn
Anyway, we had to work together as a team today on a few financial issues and lo and behold, we actually WORKED TOGETHER! lol.. without fighting!
Isn't it amazing how that can make such a difference?
Originally Posted By: lovnlrn
One of his biggest complaints about me is that I don't work WITH him when it comes to the money or listen to his advice.
It's funny, because guys try and be the big, strong ones in the family, but their egos are usually very sensitive. When they feel undermined or unappreciated they really get to resent us. I'm still trying to figure out how to talk to my H when we disagree w/o invalidating his idea/opinions.
Originally Posted By: lovnlrn
Joy is that eye of the storm, calm center, that keeps you grounded no matter what is swirling around you. That's what I want for him, with or without me.
That is a very loving and selfless attitude.
I hope that you have a good weekend and that you are able to do more good DBing.
Hang in there.
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
So far, so good. Great weekend together celebrating our son's birthday and relaxing with family and friends. He went through a lot of effort and lack of sleep to drive up here to be with us.
To answer my original question...."to hope or not to hope?", my vote is for "TO HOPE". We feel complete when he's with us. Now, just to make him see/feel that. lol I haven't read the DR book yet but from what I've learned from here and from other's mistakes and successes, and from what I'm applying, I have to say that I am thankful that I have found this place. It is nice to counteract the "just leave him" advice with "there's hope and here's how".
Hope is good. It is different than expectations, which get you into trouble.
I am glad you are having a good weekend. I am glad H made it up. I hope seeing everyone gives him a taste of what he's missing out on, and that you are happy and relaxed and making him think twice about what he's doing.
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
Thank you, Michelle. :-) He just left about 45 minutes ago and I sent him a text that said: 'have a safe trip' and 'I love you'. He texted back: "I miss you all already".
It was a peaceful, relaxing weekend (in as much is possible with 4 kids. lol). Last night, after the birthday party and him putting the kids to bed, we sat on the sofa watching HGTV or the Food Network, tinkering around on our "matching laptops". My son's girlfriend came in and said "how cute" we looked on our "matching laptops". Today, we took the kids to the movies before he left. This weekend reminded me of the things I really miss: the "normal" togetherness...laying around watching tv, playing with the kids, having friends over for dinner, etc.
Today is our wedding anniversary. Not a word from him even though we have been getting along well. He called yesterday to say that he forgot to leave something here when he was up this weekend. He had gotten me a Mother's Day present. Huh? He rarely remembers birthdays or holidays. I felt hopeful.
Today is also another anniversary. One year ago today, I spent the day in the ER with a pulmonary embolism and cardiomyopathy. They tell me that 1 in 10 people die within the first hour with a pulmonary embolism. It took almost all day for them to figure out what was wrong. My H stayed with me the whole time and only left to switch off with my mom when he had to get the kids from school. Our son was 7 days old and was 3 hrs away in another hospital fighting for his life. I remember that night when they wheeled me into a room in the cardiac unit, I was so scared and my H slept in a chair in my room all night. I get really frightened when I'm vulnerable but he looked out for me.
But it is a bittersweet memory because that weekend, I had just gotten home from the maternity ward and we had a few huge fights...rather, he was very hostile and unsympathetic towards me. Actually, he would switch back and forth from one extreme to another. I had gone into premature labor the week prior because of finding out that he had switched his pay check to an acct I couldn't access. The day before I had the PE, he had lost his temper with me, screaming and yelling about ...I can't even remember. The day before that, he was taking me to see the baby for the first time. His mom and my sister came with us. He got lost getting there and wouldn't let me give him directions. I was very weak and had difficulty breathing. I wasn't supposed to make a long car trip. I kept quiet. He became very cold and dark and angry. It was miserable for all of us. When we got home, he laid into me. I was shocked. The hardest part for me during all of this ordeal is his extreme lack of compassion or empathy for me. I was the mother of his children and he treated me worse than he would a perfect stranger who was with child. It wasn't like that in the beginning but it just got worse and worse. Then he'd have times of strong love and taking care of me. I was really proud of him and how he took care of this family. But then he would switch again. I was glad that his mother and my mother saw him like that because I'm the one with the feisty temper and I think they always thought I was the problem.
So, I had planned to be happy today and celebrate that I survived this whole year but I keep thinking about how god-awful the circumstances surrounding my sickness and delivery were.
I don't know if I can live with the "meanness" again. I've been thinking this week about things looking up as far as the possibility of getting back together. But upon reflection today of last year's events, I feel heart broken because the things that happened were just plain evil mean and I was PREGNANT. I was carrying his child, for goodness sake. I was in the Very High Risk category.
But when he would be compassionate or looking out for me in the hospital (or in the operating room, I remember I was fading fast because I had lost too much blood and he was begging me not to fall asleep), it was sincere. Our families mentioned that, too. I don't want to live with that unpredictability. Not knowing when he's going to be kind or how long it will last and when he's just going to be mean, when I need to count on him being in my corner.
Just thinking out loud here. I'm at such a crossroads. So many things need to fall into place for the marriage to work. Just getting him to agree to get back together is one small step in the overall picture.
