Lan, sweetie, I didn't mean to sound so hard on you. I just know how badly those "jabs" can hurt and I also can see her POV about not being ready to talk about the R. It has been a year and my H and I have talked to some extent, but we have not talked in detail or at much length, but it has been me this time instead of him that doesn't want to talk. I don't know how to explain it except that it is hard to talk about what happened between us without dragging up past resentments and then that leads to the OM. As I've said before, to talk about the OM causes me to have to go back in my mind and remember how I felt, etc. It is keeping OM alive in a fantasy that I am trying hard to forget. I don't know if this has anything to do with why your W doesn't want to talk about the R or not.....it could be that it is just so painful and she feels so guilty and ashamed and all the other horrible feelings that nobody wants to feel! You believe that the M problems can't be healed until certain issues are resolved by talking, while she doesn't want to go through that agony and wants to put it all behind her. Every time you say something (that you regret later) that digs at her.....it causes her to feel that shame all over again. Can you try to understand just a little bit of that? I'm not saying what she did is justified...never! I'm just trying to get you to see how she is feeling now. Even though she has come back home and you are trying to work the M out.....she needs you to validate her feelings more than you ever have in your life! She needs assured of your love more than ever before. She needs your support and protectiveness more than ever before. I think by now you get the picture. She has not healed, sweetie, and neither have you. That is why coming to piecing is harder than most people think b/c there is a lot of hard work that just begins! You've got to continue to work your butt off DBing. Remember those changes of self improvement were for you and not her and that they were to be for life with or without her? Don't stop now that she is back home. That would be disastrous.

Quote:
It's think its blindingly obvious that this is our problem, but W doesn't want to talk, that is to me or any secondary party. Anything which resembles formal or R talks then W clams up. Hence my frustration, but I've found pushing it does me no good


If anyone can understand your frustration, I certainly can. Except in my M, it was always me that wanted to talk about R and not my H.....up until OM trouble. He still doesn't really want to talk about it. But our poor communication is why we had so many problems to start with. That is why I don't want to see you two end up like we did. You have too much going for you....and it's not much fun from where I sit.

I think I understand what you meant by this statement, but I'm not quite sure.

Quote:
I was going to write a long post in response but it would be too hard for me to defend the indefensible.


Does that mean you feel indefensive or that I would not accept your defense? (lol) Come on, you know I love ya! At least I would try real hard to understand. I just write to you from the female's POV b/c you've got all these men around here giving you adice that I have to balance things out for you.

The birthday party was a great idea. Getting the kids involved helps take the edge off of any tension between you and W. Makes it easier to get past that other stuff (hopefully). I hope you can start tomorrow off with a fresh beginning and determination to DB the rest of your life b/c I have decided that is what a successful M is all about.

Take care sweetie. You know I still care.

Sandi

It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!