Hi whatdidIdo, I know this was a post a short while back, but I wanted to comment again on something you said. You had mentioned you felt bad for the OM that you hurt him, you said you feel bad that you hurt two people.
1. The OM knew about your marriage yes? If the OP KNOWS the person is in a long term relationship and flirts/has an affair anyways, they get everything they have coming to them. They are violating someone else's relationship. If you break into someone else's home and fall down the stairs, should the home owners feel sorry for you?
2. If you put any feeling into the OM about how HE feels you are bretraying your spouse over and over again. You need to accept that this man did SEROIUS damaage to your marriage and now you and YOUR HUSBAND have to clean up HIS mess. You have to forget how this person feels who violated your home and your life, he had no business getting involved with you. If he's hurt, its becuase he put his hand in fire - he should have known better.
3. Sharing details about your affair helps you bond with your spouse again. "Not Just Friends" is a great book as well. It has lots of ideas on how to rebuild trust after an affair happens. NJF also walks thorugh the process of how affairs get started, the boundaries that get crossed that shound't have. It helps strengthen your relationship against affairs in the future while bonding the two of you at the same time.
4. Don't expect to feel physical attraction for your husband, its going to take time. You need to switch the places of your husband and the OM. You put hte OM on the inside of your life and put your husband on the outside, switching them back again is going to take time. Realizing all the damage the OM did helps you put him outside again. You can't victimize him or you hold yourself back. You were vulnerable and he should have known better.
5. While the OM knew you were involved already, your husband did NOT know he would be betrayed by you and this man. And yes you both betrayed him...the technical term for his behavior is "homewrecking". Don't victimize him OR pity him. He knew what he was getting into and he was hurting your husband, more than you were even. Don't you feel angry with this man for hurting your husband? This guy violated your husband's home, his life, and did a LOT of damage to both of you..and you feel sorry for him? No no, don't give him a second thought. He would NEVER have done this if he had any idea how it felt..he was just being selfish and inconsiderate...he deserves every bit of pain he' gets right now.
