NikB #26 (tentatively moving to Piecing, again)

[NikB]

Thanks all! I appreciate the support. Haven't been on a whole lot as I've been really busy with work, and been posting to a couple of newcomers more often. Think I need to quit doing that for awhile. It used to help me gain some clarity but now it just makes me remember the worst of the sitch - and not in a good, remember the basics kind of way.

ST - thanks for your thoughts! Lots to mull over there. You make a good point that the real issue is trust. The boundaries talk makes sense. And I need to think about what WOULD work to start trusting him more. In my "dream world" there are things that would be great but I don't think they are realistic or fair.

I would LOVE it if he would leave his job. I know that his choices are his choices and I'm not blaming his job for his decisions - but there are SO many things about that place that I think are negative influences in terms of our R/M. Absolutely no morals that I've seen among 95% of the people who work there. And most of them are very young and in "party mode" (the ones who are old enough to drink anyway), constantly trying to get him to go out clubbing with them, teasing him about being an "old man." Not to mention OW#1 who just looooves to help break up marriages. I'm not ready to ask for this just yet and I also think it would backfire - like asking someone to change their job after a few good dates. But that would be a HUGE step in making me more comfortable, someday. There are also some things going on with the corporate offices that may lead to some major changes that would also make H change jobs - so I may just get lucky.

On the text reply - I'm not sure if he did or not. He has a new phone and I don't totally understand how it works. The incoming texts are obvious and come right up on the main screen, but I don't know how to look at the outgoing ones.

Trying to just enjoy the moment for now - but I do need to remember what happened last time and be careful to address things while we're BOTH in this mindset, not risk waiting until one of us is doubting things again.

Having a good week so far. Positives have continued with H, and I have some good GAL plans for the week/weekend so that's cool.

I am extremely anxious about Sat. night though. We're going to his cousin's wedding and it's freaking me out. When he first bombed me he said he'd been having doubts for years but "realized at [another cousin's] wedding that I want out" (or something to that effect). I asked what at the wedding caused it and he couldn't really say. I don't know if it was something about the wedding, something that *I* said or did at the wedding, or what. I thought we had a great time personally.. ??

Anyway shortly after that wedding is when the EA heated up, he went on a week long trip by himself that he apparently almost didn't come home from, he started doing all these weird things as if they were the "last" time we'd do them together. May - Oct. of 2006 was just plain surreal, then came the bomb in Oct.

Now here we are 2 years later - I know the first EA is still at least somewhat going on (the one with Ms. "let me help you decide to leave your wife") - and we're going to another cousin's wedding. Which is stressing me out some, topped off with the fact that it's the SAME weekend (Mother's Day weekend) as the last one. I know, it's an irrational fear but it's still there. Part of me wants to talk to H about it - still mulling over if that's a good idea or not.

Anyway, that's my rambling for the day.

Last Sunday lunch and a movie with a friend, tomorrow night happy hour with friends, Friday night a local charity food/wine thing with another friend - I'm proud of keeping my GAL efforts going so well this time around. Saturday is the wedding and Sunday of course Mother's day, with my Mom's BD on Monday. Busy week ahead!