Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
Thanks all! I know I keep saying I owe a bunch of replies - which I still do. But for now I have LOTS of great news to share and wanted to post before I forget.
And thanks, as always, for everyone's support!
What a crazy weekend/week it's been.
H did great in his races! He's 2nd in points now for his series, not bad for a rookie driver.
The weekend was pretty busy with the racing, and then I took Mon-Tues to rest and catch up at home. I'm still not totally caught up but it felt great to get things done like thoroughly washing windows (sadly this hasn't been done in probably 2 years!), cleaning out my car, etc.
Mostly, I wanted to journal some great R stuff that happened.
On Sat somewhat early I saw that H got a text from a girl he works with - the one that I know "something" happened with for a couple of months last fall but I still don't really know what. (no this isn't the great stuff..that's coming in a minute!).
From what little I've managed to piece together I think she broke up with her boyfriend around the same time I got re-bombed and another guy they work with separated from his W. So they were all going out as "newly single" people (even though H and I still lived together). In a not so proud moment I lost it when H was going to meet them and was crying and such and asking to go - he said it would be weird because they were all commiserating about being lonely (oh the irony..). I know it was always a group of them because they'd all start texting or calling him trying to get him to join them.
As far as I knew he'd cut off any contact with this girl. He quit going out with all the "single" people all the time - that only went on for a very brief period. So anyway..back to Sat.. I was surprised to see this text. It wasn't anything bad, just a friendly "hi" type thing, but it still pissed me off (and emphasized to me the need to talk about this stuff so I don't build up expectations or have boundaries that H isn't even aware of). I decided to talk to H about it but not until after the races - last thing you want is a distracted driver! I was pretty quiet and distant most of the day though. On top of that - H was driving me nuts because he kept totally ignoring me. Now I realize there was a lot going on.. but literally he'd ask me a question, I'd start to answer him, and he'd start talking to one of the other guys about race stuff! It happened at least 10 times. Gr. I finally stopped talking to him completely. I would nod or shake my head, but not speak to H. (real mature, I know).
Finally in the afternoon H asked if everything was OK.. and major 180 for me I said "Actually no, I'm really frustrated right now." He asked why and I explained - he said he didn't even realize he was doing it and asked for examples, so I gave him a few. He said "Maybe I didn't hear you?" And I said "Well, you were looking right at me, my mouth was moving in response to your question, and you turned away to talk to someone else. So I don't see how you didn't realize I was talking.. but I could talk a little bit louder." I did validate some - told him I know there's a lot going on at the track and it's really distracting, and that I was doing my best to NOT be "in the way," but it hurt to be ignored like that.
He apologized and he was very careful NOT to do that the rest of the weekend. I'm not AT ALL "clingy" out at the track and I understand that I'm mostly there for moral support and making sandwiches ... just wanted that very basic level of respect, and he was great about it once I talked to him.
That night, I was trying to "postpone" it but the text was still bothering me. I realize this could have been pushing my luck to do this all in one day, but I finally brought it up.
(for reference - no this is not the girl he had the long EA with and the one who sent the ski pic - with my grandma passing away that went to the "back burner" and I actually forgot about it for awhile. I do still need to talk about that one too.)
Me: H I was going to wait until after the weekend but there was more to me being upset earlier. I don't want to distract you from your racing, but I want to talk to you about it. H: [looked worried but surprisingly glad that I was bringing something up] Me: I love you so much, and I'm trying so hard because I really want to make things better with us. H: [nodded] Me too. Me: Really? I'm glad to hear you say that. [light tone but happy tears in my eyes] Hey maybe we can work on it together this time eh? H: [didn't say anything but smiled, nodded, and hugged me tightly]
Me: So.. I saw you got a text earlier from that J girl. I know something happened with her last year but I don't know what. All you ever said when I asked about her was that you work with her and "She's a little weird" and that she was part of that group of newly broken up people. Please tell me the truth. What happened? H: Yeah she was part of that group and we all went out dancing a few times. We flirted and danced but I never dated her or slept with her. Me: Are you telling me the complete truth? H: Yes [yes, I know that people having A's tend to lie about them and there may have been more than just flirting, but what he's saying jived with what I had learned before and what I thought went on in terms of the dating/PA thing, so I'm choosing to believe him on this.] Me: Thanks. I just wanted to tell you it really bothers me that she's still contacting you at all or that you're still talking to her. I know you said nothing more happened with her, but I just think it's not right, and it makes it harder for us to work on making things better. [I forget exactly how I said it but it was along those lines]
I forget the exact wording of the rest of the convo but he argued a bit that it was an "innocent" text and I said I knew that, but ANY contact with her bothered me. Then I said...
Me: I'm sorry to bring this up in the middle of the racing weekend, like I said I don't want you to be distracted. But I know I was acting weird because of it. Thanks for talking about it. Sorry again about the timing. [feel free to slap me for apologizing for expressing my feelings.. at least I didn't apologize for having them this time. Baby steps.] H: No PLEASE don't apologize. We need to talk about stuff. We should have more talks like this.
Wow...
He didn't specifically say he was cutting off contact with her and I didn't ask him that directly, but he's very clear on the fact that it is a problem for me. I will watch and see if he respects that. Last night he very obviously showed me some texts on his phone that were jokes and there was nothing from her so.. seems like a good start.
And... I know we're on the same page about this Piecing thing, where I wasn't quite sure before. YAY!!!!
And... on the way home he thanked me for everything over the weekend and said very lovingly "I couldn't do this without you, you know." (referring to the racing) Wow again.
And... our anniversary of our first date is coming up this weekend. For whatever reason H has always made a BIG deal about that anniversary (with the exception of last year of course). I planned to not bring it up or suggest anything, and didn't have any expectation that he would either . Last night, I called to let him know I was having dinner w/some friends and he told me excitedly that he had a surprise for me when I got home. Hmmm.
I went out to dinner with a meetup group and had an awesome time! (focusing hard on keeping that GALing going, even with all the chaos in my life lately)
Then I got home and H rushed to the door to meet me, with a big grin on his face. He grabbed my hand and walked me into the kitchen and there was a HUGE, really beautiful bouquet of flowers on the table. Lots of hugs and kisses, lots of "Do you like them?" from H, lots of thank you's, admiring the flowers, etc. I didn't ask why he got them (and didn't assume they were for the anniversary, thought maybe he just wanted to get me flowers ). Then he said "I know it's a little early and it's not til Saturday, but I thought this way you could enjoy them longer." So, they are for our anniversary after all. Looks like he's back to being happy we went on our first date.
Whew... long update! But I hope the good news helps bring everyone some smiles.
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
Found ya!! (Wondered why you were so 'quiet' over in the separated forum...cuz you were HERE!)
Wow NikB! You're doing great! Good job on sharing your feelings and congrats on finding out that you and your H are on the same page. Happy first date anniversary- cheers!
Me-43 H-46 M 12 yrs 7/09 T 15 2 grown kids bomb 7/05/07 H moved out 8/04/07 11/22/09 told him I quit;let's get ball rolling Mid Dec- he isn't sure he wants D End 2/2010-Starting to consider piecing
That is awesome Nik!!! Kinda makes the whole sitch seem worthwhile in a weird sick sorta way.
good job not apologizing for your feelings! I think apologizing for the timing isn't bad at all. it was bad timing, but H took it great! that is awesome!
IMHO, with the actions that H is providing, I really don't feel there is any reason for you to bring up the other text. I mean is he REALLY doing anything right now to question his loyalty? Did H respond to this most recent text? not that it would have been a big deal, especially since it wasn't the OTHER OW.
I think what needs to happen is just you and him discussing boundaries. not any particular event or person, but a boundary set for ANY person. are you going to ask him to not text or talk on the phone to any girl? I think that might be too much to ask for in a way. Or maybe, ask him for a while to help you with your trust by not contacting any girls for a certain amount of time. Because really, trust is the real issue. If you trust him, why would you have a problem with him having contact with the opposite sex on seldom occasions? Now some religions feel that any contact with the opposite sex should be done in the presence of the spouse, but I'm not so much there. I know my H has his female friends, but for the most part, he doesn't chat with any on a regular basis. I think that might be the key too, that if our spouse is talking to the opposite sex on a regular basis, that might be too much.
well, I would definitely not bring up this convo too soon after your anni... live in the moment of your anniversary.. it sounds like H is VERY glad to still have that! and I would ask H when he would like to talk about these kinds of things.
so glad for you!!! I knew you'd get here again!
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
Thanks all! I appreciate the support. Haven't been on a whole lot as I've been really busy with work, and been posting to a couple of newcomers more often. Think I need to quit doing that for awhile. It used to help me gain some clarity but now it just makes me remember the worst of the sitch - and not in a good, remember the basics kind of way.
ST - thanks for your thoughts! Lots to mull over there. You make a good point that the real issue is trust. The boundaries talk makes sense. And I need to think about what WOULD work to start trusting him more. In my "dream world" there are things that would be great but I don't think they are realistic or fair.
I would LOVE it if he would leave his job. I know that his choices are his choices and I'm not blaming his job for his decisions - but there are SO many things about that place that I think are negative influences in terms of our R/M. Absolutely no morals that I've seen among 95% of the people who work there. And most of them are very young and in "party mode" (the ones who are old enough to drink anyway), constantly trying to get him to go out clubbing with them, teasing him about being an "old man." Not to mention OW#1 who just looooves to help break up marriages. I'm not ready to ask for this just yet and I also think it would backfire - like asking someone to change their job after a few good dates. But that would be a HUGE step in making me more comfortable, someday. There are also some things going on with the corporate offices that may lead to some major changes that would also make H change jobs - so I may just get lucky.
On the text reply - I'm not sure if he did or not. He has a new phone and I don't totally understand how it works. The incoming texts are obvious and come right up on the main screen, but I don't know how to look at the outgoing ones.
Trying to just enjoy the moment for now - but I do need to remember what happened last time and be careful to address things while we're BOTH in this mindset, not risk waiting until one of us is doubting things again.
Having a good week so far. Positives have continued with H, and I have some good GAL plans for the week/weekend so that's cool.
I am extremely anxious about Sat. night though. We're going to his cousin's wedding and it's freaking me out. When he first bombed me he said he'd been having doubts for years but "realized at [another cousin's] wedding that I want out" (or something to that effect). I asked what at the wedding caused it and he couldn't really say. I don't know if it was something about the wedding, something that *I* said or did at the wedding, or what. I thought we had a great time personally.. ??
Anyway shortly after that wedding is when the EA heated up, he went on a week long trip by himself that he apparently almost didn't come home from, he started doing all these weird things as if they were the "last" time we'd do them together. May - Oct. of 2006 was just plain surreal, then came the bomb in Oct.
Now here we are 2 years later - I know the first EA is still at least somewhat going on (the one with Ms. "let me help you decide to leave your wife") - and we're going to another cousin's wedding. Which is stressing me out some, topped off with the fact that it's the SAME weekend (Mother's Day weekend) as the last one. I know, it's an irrational fear but it's still there. Part of me wants to talk to H about it - still mulling over if that's a good idea or not.
Anyway, that's my rambling for the day.
Last Sunday lunch and a movie with a friend, tomorrow night happy hour with friends, Friday night a local charity food/wine thing with another friend - I'm proud of keeping my GAL efforts going so well this time around. Saturday is the wedding and Sunday of course Mother's day, with my Mom's BD on Monday. Busy week ahead!
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
... just wanted that very basic level of respect, and he was great about it once I talked to him.
Baby steps.]