You need to figure out what is so darn appealing about this OP. Do they have a great sex life whereas yours has been paltry? Does s/he flatter your spouse a great deal, building his/her ego? Is s/he spontaneous, willing to do things at the spur of the moment, when you like to have thigns planned months in advance? Is s/he a good listener, always interested in what your spouse needs to say?
You need to find out what need your spouse is fulfilling by spending time with this person so that you can do a better job fulfilling that need yourself. You need to make some changes.
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Alright, this is all well and good, but what if your spouse keeps saying that there were no problems with you, he just never loved you--unfortunately he did not know it UNTIL he met the OP? He has moved out and is arranging clandestine trips with her--lying to our kids in the process. I am at my wit's end on what to do to protect my kids from his flights of fantasy--cause that is exactly what this seems like.
Well, I think no one is perfect, so there are probably things you can work on and changes you can make. Your H may not even realize what these are. But I do think sometimes they pick OP's that are quite a bit different from us. For example, I was a depressed, very dependent on H, stopped being very sociable, oriented to my kids rather than career person and a doormat type. I know the OW in my case is neglectful of her children, a workaholic lawyer while I am a sahmom, and I'm sure way more independent than I was & totally happy cheating with my H (I found the Valentine's card where she talked about how happy H has made her!, and very sociable (still active in her sorority?), opposite of a doormat type person, but anyway I think you get my point.
OK, now I agree with DR about making changes for the most part. I have worked on becoming independent, more sociable, stopped being a total doormat, GALed a lot, and become more happy. I think these were all good changes for me. However, I don't wish to become a career-focused mom neglectful of my kids so I am not working on making that change!!! I think some things like that in time hopefully H will realize the value of, but that anyway, that is something very important to me, being a good mom, so I will not make that change!
So if you can find anything about the OW it can be helpful to see the differences & contrasts in you and help you figure out what changes to make or not make. In my case the OW was a friend that worked with my H, her D14 had gone to preschool with my son for several years so I knew a lot of this and it did help. But I also knew a lot of this stuff b/c of my H's complaints about me. Your H has never complained about anything you did/not did??? That would be something else you can use. I don't think I've ever met anyone on this board that doesn't have a change or two to improve themselves, GALing, or whatever. Keep posting if you have any questions or whatever. Do you have your own thread and is it posted on Newcomers or where? If so, I will try to find it! Karen
