I'd be curious to know from those of you who have been struggling with your sitch for 6 months, one year, even more . . . particularly those that look like they've ended in divorce . . . any regrets from what you've tried?
Anything you wish you'd done differently?
What seemed to have worked well, if you could have only done it better, and what seems to have backfired?
If I could do it differently, here is what I'd have done then.
BTW, it's been 9 months since D-Day.
First, I never would have accepted this job and relocated our family when we were perfectly happy in our home town. But what cha gonna do?
Second, I would have exposed to the kids, MIL and OMW all at the same time. If that didn't end the affair I would have...
Third, Kicked her out, filed for D within a month of those exposures.
Fourth, I wouldn't have begged, cried, blah, blah, blah like I couldn't live without her. I now know I can and will if it comes to that.
Fifth, I would have confronted OM. WW said to me once that I should have confronted OM instead of being a chicken and contacting OMW. I didn't confront OM because it wouldn't have done any good and I'd have probably killed him. I mean, he didn't have a problem sleeping with my wife, why would he care if I confronted him?
Those are the major points. I could list a hundred more.
Hope4us
Me - 49, W 49 S22 & S18 Dday 9/4/07 W claims NC 4/7/08 8/29/09 - Divorce Busted. Lots to work through, but we're going to make it.
Ok I am only 4 months in, 5 months(to my knowledge) from the start of the A.
I actually wrote a list of things I wondered...the other night and many of them were about different things I did and if I had changed anything how things would have turned out differently. I am not sure anything woudl have made things better, or worse but you never know.
The first day I discovered the EA I drove to my H's store to confront him and OW. He met me in the parking lot and asked me not to go inside but to go home and talk to him(listen to his denials). I wonder if I went in and the other employees(and manager) were exposed to the situation if things would have gone differently(they did not know at this point)H and OW worked together for another 5 weeks following this while he was "working on our marriage and going to counselling".
OW had a boyfriend (father of her child)that she lived with. The way the situation was explained to me was he was abusive. H was her friend trying to help her get the confidence to leave and someone she talked to in whispers hiding from her boyfriend. I did not expose to him because I did not want to be responsible for her or her child getting hurt. Now I wonder if I had of exposed immediately and she was actually afraid of him if the contact that went on for the 6 weeks between then and the time she moved out would ended.
I read DB and decided to stop pursuing, to stop calling, to stop controlling. All good yes. But did H just take advantage? All of a sudden he who in the past went out a few times a week for hockey or golf, (and 0 times a week during the EA) was going out 4 or 5 times a week, no rules for H, was he continuing his A? Probably not at first she was still living in her dungeon with the big bad boyfriend, but later maybe. I still don't know. I do know that he all of a sudden seems to think prior to this he "was never allowed to go out" and does not want to go back to that.
I finally exposed, to his family, who exposed to his friends. Again, was it a good idea? I think the timing was the worst part. If I had done it in Jan it may have been different. I did it 4 months into this struggle. But I did it at a point where I did not really(and still don't) even know what was going on, I had actually perceived progress. Following this H moved out. Did he want to move out all along but was afraid for people to know?
All of these things I don't know whether the outcome would have been better or even worse if I did everything different. What I can say I know for a fact that I have done poorly is maintain any consistency.
I need to pick a plan and stick to it, if it is acting "as if" it is acting "as if", if it is LRT, it is LRT. I am back and forth which I think adds to the confusion of everyone including myself.
Me~34 H~38 D6.5
EA/PA-DEC.07
Moved out~Apr.13,08 Sep. Papers~Dec.7,08 No contact order ~Dec.9,08 and again October 13, 2009
Love the thread. I don't have any time to comment right now, but I will. For me, it's been 8 months since the divorce and a year and half since the affair started.
M:28, D finalized: 8/28/07 Current Thread
"When life gives you a hundred reasons to cry, show life that you have a thousand reasons to smile."
I'd be curious to know from those of you who have been struggling with your sitch for 6 months, one year, even more . . . particularly those that look like they've ended in divorce . . . any regrets from what you've tried?
Anything you wish you'd done differently?
What seemed to have worked well, if you could have only done it better, and what seems to have backfired?
Puppy
What a great question Puppy!
The first thing I wish is that I had started DBing, GALing, etc. way earlier before the bomb which was about 6 months ago! At least a year or so earlier, but I did start the second I discovered the books (a little over 5 months ago) at least so I will try to forgive myself for that.
I would/should have asked my H to move out of the house a month or two earlier b/c the last month or 2 was esp. rough with H dating the OW and texting her when he was home (when he was in that honeymoon stage of his A).
I also should have been more firm about setting boundaries with my H sooner, not allowing him to text the OW in front of me and not allowing him to yell at me for years believe it or not. That may have been my biggest mistake allowing my H to disrespect me like that and further hurting my self-esteem too.
Positives I think which really helped are the GALing I have done like the play which helped my self-confidence. 180s were great: instead of being depressed, dependent on H, weak, and I admit not cleaning & cooking as much as I should have. So I have worked on being more independent, strong, self-confident, improved my housecleaning and cooking (well at least the frequency of my cooking as I am cooking now every night), and have become happier probably through doing all the other stuff I just listed, therapy, of course the DB board, and maybe the Prozac helped a tiny bit too!
I've just been seriously working on the LRT the last week or 2 so don't know for sure how that will go, but my H is much friendlier recently and reaching out more to me. Although one not so positive thought I've had about that is maybe he thinks b/c I am pulling back & more distant recently that I have started being OK about the divorce?
I do know that a certain someone on the board told me a lot of this& gave me much of or maybe all? of this advice which I didn't always follow but should have!!! So thanks to you Puppy and everyone else who has helped me out & given advice and/or support!!!
I can't wait to read everyone's answers to this!!! Karen
Its been 5months for me and the one thing I wish now I would have done was not to have wavered when I found out there was someone he was "texting." I told him to pack his stuff up and not be home when I got home. When he asked me "Are you sure?" My reply should have been yes, get out and don't come back. I think for our situation, starting at LRT and Going Dark would have prevented a lot of the drama that has ensued and spared my children some of the heartache and pain.
M:39 H:39 K:S14;D8 T:22yr M:15yrs S:12/28/07 EA/PA 3/14/08 OW preg 11/17/08 born 12/12/08 his ~~~~~~~ Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option
I'm just past the 6 month mark since bomb. The biggest thing I would have done differently would have been to work harder at consistency in what I said and in my actions. Too often I reacted rather than giving myself a day or two to think about what had been said or done and then respond in a manner appropriate to my beliefs.
Second, I would have given myself more respect. Too often I bent over backwards to try and please W without valuing my own needs. I think this is why "loving detachment" was so hard for me - you have to respect your own needs in order to detach.
Thirdly, I should have been more aggressive with the LRT. I tried to make dates, etc. for a long time before I finally adopted the LRT. This allowed W to cake-eat in a big way and for a long time.
Lastly, I probably should have exposed A to W's family so that they knew the real sitch and that I was willing to fight hard to save things. This would have given me a lot more power earlier. The family found out anyway, so not saying anything didn't do much for me.
One clarification - I don't regret anything because I've never been in this sitch before, just wish I'd done it differently.
I'd be curious to know from those of you who have been struggling with your sitch for 6 months, one year, even more . . . particularly those that look like they've ended in divorce . . . any regrets from what you've tried?
Anything you wish you'd done differently?
What seemed to have worked well, if you could have only done it better, and what seems to have backfired?
Puppy
What a great question Puppy!
The first thing I wish is that I had started DBing, GALing, etc. way earlier before the bomb which was about 6 months ago! At least a year or so earlier, but I did start the second I discovered the books (a little over 5 months ago) at least so I will try to forgive myself for that.
I would/should have asked my H to move out of the house a month or two earlier b/c the last month or 2 was esp. rough with H dating the OW and texting her when he was home (when he was in that honeymoon stage of his A).
I also should have been more firm about setting boundaries with my H sooner, not allowing him to text the OW in front of me and not allowing him to yell at me for years believe it or not. That may have been my biggest mistake allowing my H to disrespect me like that and further hurting my self-esteem too.
Positives I think which really helped are the GALing I have done like the play which helped my self-confidence. 180s were great: instead of being depressed, dependent on H, weak, and I admit not cleaning & cooking as much as I should have. So I have worked on being more independent, strong, self-confident, improved my housecleaning and cooking (well at least the frequency of my cooking as I am cooking now every night), and have become happier probably through doing all the other stuff I just listed, therapy, of course the DB board, and maybe the Prozac helped a tiny bit too!
I've just been seriously working on the LRT the last week or 2 so don't know for sure how that will go, but my H is much friendlier recently and reaching out more to me. Although one not so positive thought I've had about that is maybe he thinks b/c I am pulling back & more distant recently that I have started being OK about the divorce?
I do know that a certain someone on the board told me a lot of this& gave me much of or maybe all? of this advice which I didn't always follow but should have!!! So thanks to you Puppy and everyone else who has helped me out & given advice and/or support!!!
I can't wait to read everyone's answers to this!!! Karen
Speaking as someone who's been at this for 3 years, the only thing I wish I would've done differently was NOT give my H all the time he needed to come out of the fog. I did not push him to work on the R with me sooner rather than 3 years later! Perhaps if I had put my foot down long ago, there might have been a better chance that my M would've survived. But....*shrugs*....who knows.
3 years is too long, people change over time, and unfortunately sometimes, it's not always for the better.
Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
