If the "ex" Wants to Have "The Talk"

[No_More_Dodo]

Fellow DBers,

I am sure this has been a topic before. However, I am wondering if anyone would like to share their thoughts now. What if your "ex" wants to have "the talk." I know the healthiest thing would be to do it.

My main concern here is you would be stepping back into the past... I am certain many WASs would still attempt to pin blame on the LBS..... They would rationalize and justify their actions.... They would attempt to sugar coat things instead of taking responsibilty.....Would you even give them the time of day?

NMD

[ALL6785]

First!

[ALL6785]

Sorry NMD had to do that.

So exactly what talk is this? The what went wrong talk?

Personally I would say "thanks but no thanks, I was there, I know what happened, I don't need you to explain it to me".

Unless you are getting some sincere remorse vibes I would tell EX to talk to the hand.

Oh ya... tequila please

[No_More_Dodo]

Sorry NMD had to do that.

So exactly what talk is this? The what went wrong talk?

Personally I would say "thanks but no thanks, I was there, I know what happened, I don't need you to explain it to me".

Unless you are getting some sincere remorse vibes I would tell EX to talk to the hand.

Oh ya... tequila please

ALL6785,

This is theoretical. Let us say the ex just calls and says - "We need to talk." or something like that. It may or may not be the what went wrong talk.

What if you were getting the serious remorse vibes?

NMD

[No_More_Dodo]

ALL6785,

I guess I see these possibilities:

Rationalization - ex wants to revisit all the "valid" reasons for demise of M

Ego Boost - ex just wants to know you still have an interest

Fishing Expedition - ex wants to see how you feel before sharing his/her feelings

Remorseful - ex realizes what he/she has done and wants to apologize

Reconciliation - ex wants to pickup R

Would you talk to your ex in any of these scenarios?

NMD

[whiskey.tango]

NMD,

Does 'we need to talk' mean in person? That's a tough one because she already has given this a lot of thought as you walk in unprepared. If you're curious, call her back and ask what it's all about. Sounds to me like some sort of closure thing or she's just checked back into reality and realized what happened. Either way, it's your choice to give her the time or not. I personally would not meet her in person without some indicator of what this is all about, then decide if it's something you want to put yourself through.

AO

[No_More_Dodo]

NMD,

Does 'we need to talk' mean in person? That's a tough one because she already has given this a lot of thought as you walk in unprepared. If you're curious, call her back and ask what it's all about. Sounds to me like some sort of closure thing or she's just checked back into reality and realized what happened. Either way, it's your choice to give her the time or not. I personally would not meet her in person without some indicator of what this is all about, then decide if it's something you want to put yourself through.

AO

AO,

This is all in theory..... It has no relation to my sitch.... I would assume this would mean in person..... I do not think one would want to have a real conversation over the phone......

NMD

[Iwondertooo]

I don't think we can deal too much with theoreticals here... but I will say that the last time my x wanted to talk (it was get together for tea, an email)I said I don't think so, this is too emotional still for me, if there is something on your mind let me know what it is. Turns out he had a baby on the way with the ow and we weren't even divorced and his family was telling him he had to tell me. THAT I didn't want to know in person. Whatever else he might have said at that point did not matter.

Does this help??

By the way, I read your sitch, just the first post, you like to get married after one long talk huh? Just an observation. Hope I did not misread. If so sorry. Wonder

[No_More_Dodo]

I don't think we can deal too much with theoreticals here... but I will say that the last time my x wanted to talk (it was get together for tea, an email)I said I don't think so, this is too emotional still for me, if there is something on your mind let me know what it is. Turns out he had a baby on the way with the ow and we weren't even divorced and his family was telling him he had to tell me. THAT I didn't want to know in person. Whatever else he might have said at that point did not matter.

Does this help??

By the way, I read your sitch, just the first post, you like to get married after one long talk huh? Just an observation. Hope I did not misread. If so sorry. Wonder

Wonder,

I am glad things worked out in your sitch the way they did. I could not have imagined him telling you in person.

I had known my exW for a few years before our long talk. There was never a doubt I wanted to be with her. When the opportunity presented itself, I had to seize it. In the past, I would have characterized it as a huge mistake... I would not now... It was what it was... I followed my heart... It ended the way it did..... Life happily goes on now...

My new W and I had really been seeking the Lord's will in our R. She actually backed away at one point because her feelings were so strong for me. I know it sounds funny because we both knew we wanted to be married after our one long talk in person. It is not like it was a purely physical attraction.... It was so much more.... I actually felt God leading me to her all along...

Take Care,

NMD

[ALL6785]

Your question is "would I talk to EX in any of these scenarios?" My truthful answer is that I already have, after the D my EX would call fishing for an ego boost. She would even hint at reconciliation but I never got a sense that she was ever truely remorseful. Usually any talks would degenerate into a conversation about all my faults and a long list of reasons why everything is my fault. Last fall we were in counseling trying to improve the relationship between her and S17, (I sat in at S17 request). It was the same story, in fact you nailed it in your first post when you said,

I am certain many WASs would still attempt to pin blame on the LBS..... They would rationalize and justify their actions.... They would attempt to sugar coat things instead of taking responsibilty.....Would you even give them the time of day?

Finally the counselor said that since EX couldn't accept any responsibility and refused to respect S17's feelings there really was no hope and we quit counseling. Actually some of the things she said were so absurd it was almost entertaining but I've got better things to do.

So personally my experience has been that talking to EX is a total waste of time and the less I have to do with EX the better off I am. If you think your EX is in denial and would rationalize and sugar coat things then I wouldn't bother listening to it. This was my experience but U know your EX personality so take that into concideration.