Thanks Christa and HIC, I think I may have made a mistake. I text her that it was nice having her around and that the boys were really happy....no response since....LOL. I think she thinks I am trying to get her back. If she only knew. She is still thinking about her and herself only but I think she is making progress in that area. Thanks ladies for you encouraging words, I appreciate it more than you can know.
Expect a lot of yo-yoing on her part. Do not expect her to come back, and don't misread those good times for anything more. A nice note, "It was fun seeing you! Take care..." will encourage friendship, but don't write much more and definitely don't expect a response from her.
Think of it like trying to tame a wild animal. You have to give without expectations. You lose nothing in giving and perhaps at a future date, a good friendship will bring you closer... and maybe not. But anytime you reach out and try to take hold, even for a moment, you are going to scare that animal and it may take a long time for it to feel safe again, or at some point it may get too scared and leave for good. It needs complete freedom. And when it comes down to it that's really what you want to give because the choice for more interaction should be the WAS.... I hope that makes sense.
One way I used to look at it, was I just wanted to create positive memories for my H (who had been divorcing me at the time). Every little drop in the bucket is one more. You want to be the "place" they feel comfortable going to, where they feel safe and where they may eventually want to be. And then again, they may never want to come back. (My H sure was very determined to never come back!)
And if they never do, you'd like them to at least eventually look back and think; hummmmm it wasn't so bad. In fact, I left something pretty darn good. Boy, I was stupid!
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
Thanks root, I think you are right. She is not coming back and I don't think concerning myself with it is worth my time. I would rather do as you say and be stable and friendly so that we can have a good relationship which will be good for our kids and each other too I guess.
My guess is she's not coming back any time soon... but over the coming years, if you have a comfortable friendship, things might just click two to three years from now.
You've said you don't plan on dating (but don't tell her that, you should be a little mysterious.... it wouldn't hurt if she thought every single woman at your church was on pins and needles waiting for you to be divorced ;-) ), so you really have nothing to lose by leaving the door open a crack. Don't YOU open it!!! If she wants to come back SHE will. You really lose nothing here, and quite honestly, you have a lot of self-discovery and growth to gain regardless of what happens.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
I thought I'd chime in here because so far you've gotten responses from die hard, "stay married at any cost", dbers. And that's fine, since it's a divorce busting website. Except you posted on a WAS spot, indicating that you are done...and a spot where you should get support for your stance.
I, for one, support your decision. I think there comes a time that you look at your spouse and say, "do I want that person in my life?" It's a fair question...she left her kids and is just fine with that. That is really ugly. Plus, she likely does have her own issues that she may never deal with. What the people that posted to you don't realize is that it doesn't matter if you have given up or if you continue to pine away for your WAS. You really can't influence the decision of the WAW just because you are holding out hope. I'd argue that the way you handled it was actually better....she needs to know that you are done with her. What did she do after you told her you've closed the door? Came back around...just curious I suppose whether you are really gone.
But one question: If you are really done and there is no chance for your marriage...why did you let her hang out with you? I have no interest in hanging out with my first wife. We can talk (some). We don't fight. And to a degree we can coparent. But that doesn't mean I want her hanging out at my house (even if I wasn't remarried). That's truly shutting the door. I don't think you really have yet....if so, you'd be nice, but you'd have her take the kids with her for visitation or you'd leave her to hang out with the kids. I guess b-days are an exception...so maybe I'm wrong about that.
Last edited by Phoenixdeux; 05/05/0809:47 PM.
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer
My guess is she's not coming back any time soon... but over the coming years, if you have a comfortable friendship, things might just click two to three years from now.
You've said you don't plan on dating (but don't tell her that, you should be a little mysterious.... it wouldn't hurt if she thought every single woman at your church was on pins and needles waiting for you to be divorced ;-) ), so you really have nothing to lose by leaving the door open a crack. Don't YOU open it!!! If she wants to come back SHE will. You really lose nothing here, and quite honestly, you have a lot of self-discovery and growth to gain regardless of what happens.
Root, your posts is great as usual and I appreciate your insight. I must tell you though for a little insight into me. I am not the guy that is going to wait "years". Not because I do not love my wife but because I love myself and my kids and letting her go is the best for all of us. Just today she called and told me that she is planning on either moving across the country or out of the country. I am not setting myself up for that kind of roller-coaster ride. I hate heights and I can get motion sick from time to time.
I like the way you think about the women at church too. LOL, that is great. Inever thought of that.
Thanks so much for your input. I appreciate and like your POV.
I thought I'd chime in here because so far you've gotten responses from die hard, "stay married at any cost", dbers. And that's fine, since it's a divorce busting website. Except you posted on a WAS spot, indicating that you are done...and a spot where you should get support for your stance.
I, for one, support your decision. I think there comes a time that you look at your spouse and say, "do I want that person in my life?" It's a fair question...she left her kids and is just fine with that. That is really ugly. Plus, she likely does have her own issues that she may never deal with. What the people that posted to you don't realize is that it doesn't matter if you have given up or if you continue to pine away for your WAS. You really can't influence the decision of the WAW just because you are holding out hope. I'd argue that the way you handled it was actually better....she needs to know that you are done with her. What did she do after you told her you've closed the door? Came back around...just curious I suppose whether you are really gone.
But one question: If you are really done and there is no chance for your marriage...why did you let her hang out with you? I have no interest in hanging out with my first wife. We can talk (some). We don't fight. And to a degree we can coparent. But that doesn't mean I want her hanging out at my house (even if I wasn't remarried). That's truly shutting the door. I don't think you really have yet....if so, you'd be nice, but you'd have her take the kids with her for visitation or you'd leave her to hang out with the kids. I guess b-days are an exception...so maybe I'm wrong about that.
Thanks so much for that. I really feel like I am listening to my heart in this. I am trying very hard to make sure that what I am doing is not malice or revenge and that I am truly beyond being able to stay in a relationship with this woman for the reasons you stated.
Why do I hang out with her? For my kids to be honest. This is still a little fresh for all of us and especially for them and it was my son's birthday. I don't really have the desire to hang with her or even talk to her on the phone at this point.
I really do appreciate your input. It is nice to hear someone validate my feelings. But I have gotten so very much from the former and current WAW's here because they actually communicate their feelings. My wife cannot/will not do that. So to me it is like a revelation from God into a secret mystery that I can't understand but has hurt me so much.
Thanks to you all, you have no idea how much this helps me. I hope I can offer support to someone else here someday as well.
It is helpful seeing the clarity in your decision.
I'd been married 25 years when my drama ensued with my spouse leaving the house two weeks after he said he was miserable in our marriage. He then immediately filed divorce papers and secretly started living with a much younger woman I didn't know he was 'dating' during our marriage. He now sees the two remaining kids at home (S17, D13) one hour each, every other week by his own choice. I am a stay at home mom, he has the big job.
When do you draw a line in the sand and let go of the rope? Sometimes I think that's the only way to truly start growing, when your life does not revolve around the other spouse's whims. "Hello dear, I have a life. It's your choice how you approach it and there are no guarantees."
A friend of mine was telling me that when everything is all said and done that I will come out of this with integrity and having taken my vows seriously. I don't think it's taking the high road, rather it's living as the person I want to be.
I think I may have made a mistake. I text her that it was nice having her around and that the boys were really happy....no response since....LOL. I think she thinks I am trying to get her back. If she only knew. She is still thinking about her and herself only but I think she is making progress in that area.
She may think that you are still interested in trying or on the other hand she may see how important her participation is in the boys' life. You have made an amazing amount of progress on yourself and haven't come to your decision in haste. You seem to have come to peace with your decision and you are staying strong. Better things await you.
Posts Role Reversal(original) WAW now LBS part I & II WAW now LBS part III(current) T: 9 yrs M: 8 yrs WAW: Sep 06-Jul 07 LBS: Sep 07-pres.
It is helpful seeing the clarity in your decision.
I'd been married 25 years when my drama ensued with my spouse leaving the house two weeks after he said he was miserable in our marriage. He then immediately filed divorce papers and secretly started living with a much younger woman I didn't know he was 'dating' during our marriage. He now sees the two remaining kids at home (S17, D13) one hour each, every other week by his own choice. I am a stay at home mom, he has the big job.
When do you draw a line in the sand and let go of the rope? Sometimes I think that's the only way to truly start growing, when your life does not revolve around the other spouse's whims. "Hello dear, I have a life. It's your choice how you approach it and there are no guarantees."
A friend of mine was telling me that when everything is all said and done that I will come out of this with integrity and having taken my vows seriously. I don't think it's taking the high road, rather it's living as the person I want to be.
*hugs*
Thanks Gypsy, I to am thankful for my integrity and my value of my vows. Thanks for the post.
