Wandering Poster - XIV (14 for non Romans)

[AliSuddenly]

Hi Jeff...well done on the yoga vid! I got one too, yoga for beginners I think...

You asked us So, where should I go as far as W is concerned? My thinking is to go back to the plan of asking her what she would like to do, but I can see there are flaws in that. I'm listening!

I'm wondering what you have to lose at this stage. Your sitch isnt SO precarious.. you are still M under the same roof, on the other hand, she hasnt slept with you for 3 1/2 years!!?? Thats a long time, I've had serious Rs shorter than that. In a way, its not like you need to fear scaring her back into her hole, as you say to me. Shes already in a hole, with a steel door on it, bolted. Shes not making steps toward you at all. Sounds like you havent asked her anything, or confronted the state of your M for a very long time... why dont you just TALK TO HER.

I dont know what you could say, or how it would go, maybe you could start by just saying... W, we should talk...arrange a time/place, with no children? Just ask her how she IS?

I wanted to ask you something that I havent heard mentioned here, I wondered how you felt about the effect all of this may be having on your sons? (Or may your W be worried about the example it is setting them?). The youngest may not understand too much about adult Rs, but the teenage ones must have witnessed the withdrawing of your W through their teenage years, that she is in the spare room (?), taht she never touches you, you dont talk.. and they see you putting up with that. Are you concerned about this? What it may be showing them, as a model of an R? Or are they not aware do you think? Or maybe you've raised it with them? On the other hand, its very positive that you are not walking out on the M, that sets them a clear message of commitment and sticking with it, even when it gets tough?

I guess maybe, if you need a push to do something, then do it for your sons. They need to know what a healthy loving R is, surely.

Its not for me to say really, as I have no kids! So I send you a big apology if I have overstepped the mark at all. I've said it before and I'll say it again, you are a lovely man Jeff. Truly, a heart of gold...

Ali xxx