Finding DB late in the game #4

[JenInVen]

Hi CW. You did so well! I can't imagine having such a convo and NOT crying.

Jen

[CBK]

CW - I was reading your thread tonight. Don't know what got me there, maybe saw the Nor Cal connection.

I just wanted to say how impressed I am with you. You have been through the ringer. You last posts were totally amazing and you composure and self-realizations on where you are mentally is amazing. Your strength is amazing as well.

Keep on doing what you are doing - I will try and keep up with your posts as I learned a lot from what I read tonight. My sitc' is relatively new and some days have no hope and others a a lot. When you said in January you had 5% hope - that is where I am now - some days more, some days less...

Keep up your DBing, it doesn't seem like you are slipping at all but making very smart choices.

Peace,

CBK

[cw68]

Hi CW. You did so well! I can't imagine having such a convo and NOT crying.

Jen

It just showed me that I am detaching. Wow. It's happening even though a lot of me doesn't think it makes sense.

I was out tonight with another Mom whose children are in my children's classes. Last month I found out her husband left her in July 2007. Their situation was sooo similar to ours. He is now just coming back, slowly moving back into their house. Interestingly, her actions follow the DB method, though she's hadn't heard of it. She said that once they know, and see, you OK without them you become more attractive. Once you take the family dynamics away from them, they want to be a part of it. All the stuff most of us talk about here. So it's not just a book-scam, it's real life stuff. Gave me a little more hope. We'll see.

[cw68]

And thanks everyone, your kind words mean soooo much to me.

[CBK]

Those little nuggets with friends mean so much. I just got off the phone with a friend that is a therapist. He asked if I was done, I said HECK NO, I got fight left in me! Sometimes those stories give us just enough hope to carry on.

Keep it up CW - I am not sure the difference between H and W's in these sitc', I am hopeful they are close and W's come back as well. Hope is a good thing, especially mixed with reality.

CBK

[cw68]

Hope for the best, prepare for the worst!

[cw68]

Journaling: just got back from my T appointment. While in many ways I don't think therapy is helping me personally, it is helping me in my relationship. She came up with a couple really good nuggets for me today. The first one was where she said something about my H being insecure, to which I replied that I didn't think insecurity is one of my H's problems, that he's very secure and confident. She said emotionally he's not and since he's such an achiever it probably really, really, really bothers him that he doesn't know what he wants, that he doesn't trust what he's feeling. Probably one reason why he doesn't want to get physical with me because the obvious connection we have in that department just confuses him. She also said that I have to stop telling him what he thinks, what he should feel, even though she thinks I really do understand him. It just makes him feel that less confident and super irritated that I can tell him what he's "supposed" to feel. She's right. I do do that and I never saw my H with any lack of confidence, but it's so clear now.

She also said that I have to clam it and let my actions so my changes, my feelings. When I told her I told my H that maybe he needed to see what it would be like to lose me, to lose our family unit she said, "Stop. Don't say these things. Either do it or don't, but let your actions speak for themselves."

She's pegged me as an over-thinker, an over-analyzer, a planner. She's right. I have to learn to let a lot of this go if my H and I are ever going to get a better R.

She was very proud that I told my H our old marriage was dead, thought that that was not only excellent on my part that I could realize that, but telling him that was a very good move. Thanks DB!

[CBK]

CW - thanks for the insights from your post. In many ways, I could be your husband... I have been very successful in my line of business and am very confident, but I am very insecure. This was a realization during counseling. I would take everything W would say and turn it around about how I was not able to support the family or this huge feeling of inaduecey. Even when I talk to her today, I feel like a 7th grader, I get all toungue tied. The funny part is that she thought she was the insecure one... Just thought may give you some insights to what your H may be going through.

Be well - hope the weather is nice in Nor Cal, on my home...

CBK

[cw68]

It's weird, I never in a million years would have thought that my H was in the least bit insecure. I'm the one who lack self-confidence! But I see it now, it's the emotional part.

[CBK]

I am telling you CW - you sound just like my W and me, except she was the one that is WAS. My hope is that during the DBing, I can get that confidence back and lose the insecurity. I am happy that you have glimmers of hope - so there is hope in Nor Cal! :-)

Just as an aside, I saw you do yoga, I have been to 3 of 4 classes at my club, I like them, but dang, it is tough. I have a real bad back and hoping that will stretch out some of those muscles!!!

CBK