Still trying to be patient

[Yoyowife]

Karen,
Keep doing what you are doing, being upbeat and doing things for yourself. I can honestly say that I believe most of these changes are for your ownself and you have the true concept of PMA and GAL. I think he is seeing that. You don't have to point anything out, he is fully aware of it, but he is still so confused. I think the MLC pulls them in so many directions that they themselves don't even know what they want!!! Just continue what you are doing, no matter what happens you will come out on top!

[karen43]

Karen,
Keep doing what you are doing, being upbeat and doing things for yourself. I can honestly say that I believe most of these changes are for your ownself and you have the true concept of PMA and GAL. I think he is seeing that. You don't have to point anything out, he is fully aware of it, but he is still so confused. I think the MLC pulls them in so many directions that they themselves don't even know what they want!!! Just continue what you are doing, no matter what happens you will come out on top!

Thanks Yoyo! I am going to continue no matter what (remind me of that if/when divorce papers get served please) , I feel so much better the way life is now, and I do think no matter what I will be fine! And btw, he now has emailed 3 times so far today (well one was on instructions to fix the toilet but I think we need a new one b/c it breaks every week)! But he's also called me 3 times today and the last time seemed to be for no reason at all that I could tell!!! Karen

[hopeful4her]

You do seem to be far ahead of most others here on the board, including myself. You H is all over the place and you are able to maintain. I know that you inpire me. Hopefully, things are on an upswing for you. He is contacting you quite a bit. Probably feels good.

[hopeful4her]

You do seem to be far ahead of most others here on the board, including myself. You H is all over the place and you are able to maintain. I know that you inpire me. Hopefully, things are on an upswing for you. He is contacting you quite a bit. Probably feels good.

[Yoyowife]

And btw, he now has emailed 3 times so far today (well one was on instructions to fix the toilet but I think we need a new one b/c it breaks every week)! But he's also called me 3 times today and the last time seemed to be for no reason at all that I could tell!!! Karen

Wow, I think that is something to be hopeful about, but don't let him know it! Continue to be friendly yet aloof , treat him like you would your brother now.

Let him contact you... He seems to be doing that quite a bit lately. I am no expert by any means but I am passing on info to you that I messed up on. It seems like any time my H would give me attention or hope I let him get too comfortable with the situation and I hate to admit it, but often pursued him. It seems anytime they think that you are in control it makes you more attractive.

You are doing a great job of keeping your emotions in check and taking care of yourself, the kids, and the house.

Remember he is just your "brother" now... Repeat after me....

[karen43]

Wow, I think that is something to be hopeful about, but don't let him know it! Continue to be friendly yet aloof , treat him like you would your brother now.

Let him contact you... He seems to be doing that quite a bit lately.

Thanks for the advice H4H and Yoyo! H4H, it does feel good H seems to be reaching out more lately but I am going to try not to get too excited about it (I am a little ) b/c I think H is in MLC or something and is all over the place!!! He could be rude & distant again tomorrow so I will try to keep my feet on the ground.

I just counted and H emailed me 10 times today and he called me again so a total of 4 times. Some of the emails & calls were valid, but I would say at least half were just kind of chatty which he prob. hasn't done in 2 years or so!!! Plus, he came by at lunch today (we live half hour from his job) b/c he wanted to leave me $ and pick up something, but he was just here last night so that seems a little fishy, too.

I'm happy, but will try to stay aloof and keep LRTing. It's interesting b/c I've just been pretty good at it the last week or 2, and it does seem like H is way more communicating with me since I've been pulling back a little more (as recommended in DR). Weird!!! But don't worry Yoyo, I will repeat several times a day: Don't get your hopes up! Don't get your hopes up (or let H know how happy I am)! Karen

[karen43]

Karen,
I can honestly say that I believe most of these changes are for your ownself and you have the true concept of PMA and GAL. I think he is seeing that. You don't have to point anything out, he is fully aware of it, but he is still so confused. I think the MLC pulls them in so many directions that they themselves don't even know what they want!!! Just continue what you are doing, no matter what happens you will come out on top!

Yes, Yoyo, I admit when I started DBing I was doing it I think mostly to prevent divorce, but at some point in the process I kind of changed the focus to making the changes for myself and H can come back to our family or not and I decided I will be OK. It's probably a better focus to have but I def. didn't have it in the beginning, and maybe you have to work at it a while before you can do that.

Something I was thinking is maybe H is starting to finally count on the changes I've made (he's said several times he's noticed my changes but of course a blind & deaf person would have noticed them!) but finally is starting to believe they are permanent b/c it has been about 5 months now and I keep improving (house-cleaning, independence, happy, etc.). I'm sure at first he thought in a month or 2 she'll go back to being depressed, but maybe now he is finally seeing that I don't intend to do that!

Plus, I have to think after H has told everyone he knows, friends and family, that we are divorcing, it must be very difficult to change course when you are 100% intent on divorcing someone. I am wondering if he at least has started having some doubts now? Or another less positive thought I'm having is b/c I've been pulling back a little the last week or two, is H being friendly b/c he thinks I am over him & want the divorce so he is happy about that??? Karen

[girlfromipanema]

I would have to agree, Karen, that most of us are "DESPERATE" to save the marriage when first starting the DB process. We still want to save our marriages, but desperation isn't part of the equation any longer.

You are truly a role model for so many of us. =)

[karen43]

You are truly a role model for so many of us. =)

I don't feel like one right now!!! I just had a thought about something. This is weird b/c my H has been so friendly and reaching out to me the past week or 2. But when we were getting the tub fixed a few days ago, and H found out we had to get it drywalled after as well and pay for that, he seemed a bit upset it was going to take a week or so. I was like what's your big rush? (b/c H isn't even living here anymore) and he of course didn't answer me.

Now I had a sudden thought that maybe he wanted the tub fixed asap b/c he wants to file for divorce asap (we are using a credit card and maybe won't be able to do that once he files?). He was also asking for all our bills and student loan info also this week. It's weird that he would act so friendly right before that, but you know how WAS can be!!! Do you think I could be right about this or I'm jumping to conclusions or what? I never R talk with H so I'm a little freaked out right now! Karen

[girlfromipanema]

Oh, Karen. It's too difficult to project what someone else is thinking. You're going to drive yourself crazy if you try. Of course, it's a possibility that your H is just being nice because he wants to get on with the D and figures that is the path of least resistance, BUT, he could also be nice just for the sake of being nice. Don't think about it until the time comes, sweetie.