Well..that is a tough question..the best advice I can give is this...trial and error...what I have found with my h is that I do have to be soo careful when to bring up stuff..what his mood is, and of course being gentle when I bring things up about how I am feeling... what I found does work with my h is this...when I have felt a bit insecure about our R, I will tell him that I know that I have caused alot of our issues in the M, and that I hope that I am a better wife now, he will usally tell me that I am, kiss me, I cry, he hugs me and tells me how blessed he is to have me..at times he has even admitted to his wrong doing, cries and tells me how sorry he is for ever hurting me...
So sweetie, time and patients...it is so hard at times, especially when they come home..we want so much for things to be all better..but piecing is the hardest part of all.
And about the fall-back plan...oh how I can relate...I don't know what the stats are on when at least for my stich..they come back because they are trying to get over the OW/OM...I have told my h that I feel like I am the second choice..he did once respond by saying that I am his soul mate...and that he made a mistake having feelings for girl 21..(dahhh)..but anyways; it kinda has to do with each individual situation, how committed are they, and did they realize the best thing was always there for them...they were STUPID and should never of left in the first place...when/if they come to that..then I think in most cases we get the tenderness we so much want...
Just keep working on you hun...this is a life time journey.. and I do see that after some time, they notice us and they do jump (though slowly) on the reality train and off the space ship they have been on.
