After 3 long years, H is home - II

[GoingForward]

Thanks, Michelle and Corey! I know H has taken sleeping pills (OTC type) in the recent past because he does have sleep issues, and a lot of that has to do with his work schedule. He works 4 days on, 4 days off, then repeat. His first 2 days are day shifts and the last 2 are graveyard. Making the transition from day to graveyard, and then coming off graveyard and trying to adjust to "normal" time, is a big problem for him and leaves him quite irritable. He's not fond of it, but he LOVES the money.

Ok so, the talk with my sons (S12 and S8). Back when this all went to crap, all I had really told them was that sometimes parents stop getting along and have a hard time being nice to one another, and sometimes the best thing for them to do is to not live together anymore. I told them it had absolutely nothing to do with them, and I didn't want them to feel that anything was their fault because it wasn't at all. This was something between me and Dad that we needed to try to work out, but I couldn't promise them anything.

Fast forward to 2 days ago. I sat down with them and told them that I didn't know what was going to happen between me and their father. I said it's not 100% certain but that I felt it wasn't going to work between their dad and me. I told them about how I feel like I can't always trust H because sometimes he forgets to call me to let me know where he is or what he's doing. S12 asked why did I feel like I couldn't trust Dad, and I told him because before H moved out, he had an A. S12 looked kind of puzzled, S8 seemed to understand. I asked them if they knew what an A was. S12 did not (he actually said, "Isn't that like a meeting or something?" I had to smile inside at the pure innocence of that!), but S8 raised his hand and said, "Isn't that like when a man and a woman are M'ed, but then the man or the woman goes out and has a GF or a BF when they're not supposed to?" I told him he was exactly right. Then S8 kind of angrily said, "So Dad had a GF?" and sighed. I told them she wasn't his GF, but yes, their dad was seeing someone else and did things with her that a H is only supposed to do with his W and no one else. They both asked what things, and I told them. He went out with her, to lunch, dinner. S8 asked, "So did Dad like hold hands with her and kiss her? Stuff like that?" I told him yes. Then both of them closed their eyes for a moment and let out sighs.

I started tearing up some because it hurt to see them getting upset by this, but I was able to hold myself together because I had more to tell them.

I explained that although what their father had done was very wrong, and their dad knew that he was wrong, was very sorry, and always would be sorry for it, the real problem was with the way the R was between me and H. I explained to them how their father and I used to get along so well....and they said they remembered.....and it was because......S12 finished for me, "You guys used to do things together all the time." ...I told him he was right. After their dad started working for (ex-employer), he was away all the time, so sadly over those last couple of years before we split up, we grew apart because we weren't taking care of each other. We weren't caring for our R. Dad wasn't there for me, and I wasn't there for him.

I told them their father is a wonderful person who loves them so much, and he will always do what he has to do to take care of them. I said, "Taking care of your family is very important, but being sure to take care of your R with your W is also just as important. A couple has to spend time together, not too much but some time together, to make each other feel like they matter to one another. They should feel like they are important to each other." I told them that this is what I explained to their father before he moved back in, and Dad said he understood this and wanted to spend time with me, but for whatever reason, it's not happening, and the R between me and their dad is suffering because of this. S12 said, "Because Dad isn't spending time with you, right? He doesn't want to. I heard him say that to you." I told him he was right, that's what Dad said.

S12 then went on to say that he feels like his R with his father is bad, too. I asked him why did he feel that way, and he said because he felt like H had a much better R with S8 than he did with him. Then S8 quickly said, "Actually, (S12), I feel like my R with Dad is not good either." I asked him why, and he said, "Well, because one night I heard you and Dad arguing with each other, and he wouldn't leave you alone, and then you left.....(S8 started crying so hard ).....and I thought you weren't ever coming back." (S8 was referring to that one night I left, if anyone remembers, about two or three weeks ago.)

I started crying and held them both and said that I would NEVER, NEVER leave them. NEVER. They mean the world to me and I love them more than anything else, and I would not leave them no matter what. I explained that I just needed to get away from their dad to calm myself down before I ended up saying or doing anything that I would regret later. I told them you do have to face your problems and fix them, but you need to have a clear mind before you can do that. That was what I had to do for myself....go for a drive by myself to clear my head....and some people can't understand that because that's not how they would handle the problem. Everyone's different, and we should always respect that.

We talked a little more, and I hope I gave them all the reassurance that I possibly could that no matter what happened between me and their dad that we would all be alright. I want them to be happy, I want their dad to be happy, and I want to be happy. I feel like I've really been trying, but if Dad doesn't want to try, not just say that he does, I can't make our R better on my own. They both said they knew.

At that point, H drove up, so I hugged them and we ended our talk right there, but before that, I reassured them that anytime they wanted to talk to me about anything that was on their mind, they could always do that because I will always be here for them. I also told them I am still trying to make things better with their dad, but again, I couldn't tell them for sure if things were going to work out. They said they understood.

About half an hour later while the boys were finishing up their homework that day, H sat next to them and said he was thinking of getting himself a new bike so "we could all go for a ride together." S12 said, "All of us?" H said, "Yeah. You, me, and (S8)." S12 said, "No, all FOUR of us. You, (S8), me, and Mom."

H said nothing.

I answered S12 with, "Well, until your dad gets a bike, you, me, (S8), and (S3) can go for rides." S8 said, "Cool!"



H still had nothing to say.