After 3 long years, H is home - II

[girlfromipanema]

Your most recent update makes me so sad. You are so smart and so wise - I've always been extremely impressed with your responses to other DBers. I'm sorry your boys are hurting and I'm sorry you're hurting, but you deserve so much better than what your H can give you.

(((((((GoingForward))))))

[MichelleLT]

To clarify, that was H's own sister who said that? Lol. I'm glad it made you feel better. He's acting like a child.

Maybe you can try dissolving some capsules of GABA and Omega-3 in his coffee or something to calm him down and help him sleep. Sheesh. It's like he's regressed back to the beginning of the stages - he's all the way back at blaming you and everyone else and being angry and depressed.

I really don't know what to say except ((((((GF)))))))

[GoingForward]

Your most recent update makes me so sad. You are so smart and so wise - I've always been extremely impressed with your responses to other DBers. I'm sorry your boys are hurting and I'm sorry you're hurting, but you deserve so much better than what your H can give you.

Thank you so much, GFI. You have no idea what your kind words have done for me this evening. (((((((GFI)))))))

To clarify, that was H's own sister who said that? Lol

Yes, his sister! His very own mother says an awful lot about him as well. They love him, of course, but.....

Maybe you can try dissolving some capsules of GABA and Omega-3 in his coffee or something to calm him down and help him sleep.

The first thing he ever goes for in the morning is his Gatorade, so it'll have to do! He takes Omega-3, but I don't know what GABA is. Enlighten me please!

Sheesh. It's like he's regressed back to the beginning of the stages - he's all the way back at blaming you and everyone else and being angry and depressed.

For as long as I've known my H (over 15 years), he has always been this way. It seems everyone is to blame but him. His mother, his father (who wasn't around after he was 10), his grandparents, his sister, his friends, etc, etc. Oh, and how could I possibly forget ME!

The first time when he finally, and remorsefully, admitted how wrong he was for doing what he did and for how our family has suffered over these last few years because of the situation, I could hardly believe it. He'd always talk of how he wanted to change, but for all that time, that's all it was. Just talk. No actions until this year, and only after I told him he had to move back in or we were getting D'ed.

And he IS angry and depressed. He is always so negative. He will talk about how other people (particularly his coworkers) have such great lives and lots to show for it. Nice house, nice cars, great kids, great Rs with their Ws.....blah blah blah. He also envies how they're all in such good shape and are attractive. H used to be severely overweight, lost it all, still wants to lose more, and is appalled by his own physical appearance. He doesn't feel physically attractive, and it's because of the loose skin that remains.

I've tried to convince him otherwise with LOADS of WOA, flirting, sexy smiles and touches, but it has all been to no avail. He will say, "Stop. You only say that because you love me." I've told him he's right, I do, and his physical appearance isn't what counts in my eyes. It is what's inside - his heart and all that he has to give. Still, I get brushed aside.

And again, his weight issues were his parents' fault because they didn't teach him anything about proper nutrition. He was thin when he moved out of his mom's place... ....Damn, maybe it's my fault then - I'm the one who fed him. I used to be a tiny, petite little thing myself, but after carrying three babies... ...it shows! I could stand to lose about 15 - 20 pounds, but my appearance doesn't bother me like H's bothers him. There were times when I started to feel like he did, but I knew I didn't want to feel that way all the time, so I focused on what I did like about myself and accentuated those features. Hey, whatever works, right?!

Anyway, I can't help him if he doesn't want to be helped. He's got to help himself first. Just don't know if he'll ever want to take that first step.

Gotta put the boys to bed. I still want to post about the talk I had with my sons.

(((((((Thanks again, GFI and Michelle)))))))

[MichelleLT]

GABA is Gamma-aminobutyric acid. It is an amino acid and the chief inhibitory neurotransmitter in the central nervous system of humans. It helps induce relaxation and sleep. It also acts as a balancer for the brain where excitation of the brain is balanced with inhibition.

Most herbal sleep aids include it. It's good stuff.

Melatonin is also a great relaxation/sleep aid.

You are right that you can't fix it for him. Setting some boundaries, being patient with him, and letting him work through his issues might result in a more mature and wonderful H. Only time will tell I suppose.

((((((GF)))))))

[Sugar and Spice]

((((GF)))) I'm sorry that things have seemed to hit a snag, but what Michelle posted is really the best advice. Set some boundaries, be patient and let him work through his issues, because lets face it..these are HIS issues.

He is having his own little pity party and when he is ready to make things change instead of waiting for them to miraculously transform without any work of his own, then they will.

Hugs to you today.
Corey

[GoingForward]

Thanks, Michelle and Corey! I know H has taken sleeping pills (OTC type) in the recent past because he does have sleep issues, and a lot of that has to do with his work schedule. He works 4 days on, 4 days off, then repeat. His first 2 days are day shifts and the last 2 are graveyard. Making the transition from day to graveyard, and then coming off graveyard and trying to adjust to "normal" time, is a big problem for him and leaves him quite irritable. He's not fond of it, but he LOVES the money.

Ok so, the talk with my sons (S12 and S8). Back when this all went to crap, all I had really told them was that sometimes parents stop getting along and have a hard time being nice to one another, and sometimes the best thing for them to do is to not live together anymore. I told them it had absolutely nothing to do with them, and I didn't want them to feel that anything was their fault because it wasn't at all. This was something between me and Dad that we needed to try to work out, but I couldn't promise them anything.

Fast forward to 2 days ago. I sat down with them and told them that I didn't know what was going to happen between me and their father. I said it's not 100% certain but that I felt it wasn't going to work between their dad and me. I told them about how I feel like I can't always trust H because sometimes he forgets to call me to let me know where he is or what he's doing. S12 asked why did I feel like I couldn't trust Dad, and I told him because before H moved out, he had an A. S12 looked kind of puzzled, S8 seemed to understand. I asked them if they knew what an A was. S12 did not (he actually said, "Isn't that like a meeting or something?" I had to smile inside at the pure innocence of that!), but S8 raised his hand and said, "Isn't that like when a man and a woman are M'ed, but then the man or the woman goes out and has a GF or a BF when they're not supposed to?" I told him he was exactly right. Then S8 kind of angrily said, "So Dad had a GF?" and sighed. I told them she wasn't his GF, but yes, their dad was seeing someone else and did things with her that a H is only supposed to do with his W and no one else. They both asked what things, and I told them. He went out with her, to lunch, dinner. S8 asked, "So did Dad like hold hands with her and kiss her? Stuff like that?" I told him yes. Then both of them closed their eyes for a moment and let out sighs.

I started tearing up some because it hurt to see them getting upset by this, but I was able to hold myself together because I had more to tell them.

I explained that although what their father had done was very wrong, and their dad knew that he was wrong, was very sorry, and always would be sorry for it, the real problem was with the way the R was between me and H. I explained to them how their father and I used to get along so well....and they said they remembered.....and it was because......S12 finished for me, "You guys used to do things together all the time." ...I told him he was right. After their dad started working for (ex-employer), he was away all the time, so sadly over those last couple of years before we split up, we grew apart because we weren't taking care of each other. We weren't caring for our R. Dad wasn't there for me, and I wasn't there for him.

I told them their father is a wonderful person who loves them so much, and he will always do what he has to do to take care of them. I said, "Taking care of your family is very important, but being sure to take care of your R with your W is also just as important. A couple has to spend time together, not too much but some time together, to make each other feel like they matter to one another. They should feel like they are important to each other." I told them that this is what I explained to their father before he moved back in, and Dad said he understood this and wanted to spend time with me, but for whatever reason, it's not happening, and the R between me and their dad is suffering because of this. S12 said, "Because Dad isn't spending time with you, right? He doesn't want to. I heard him say that to you." I told him he was right, that's what Dad said.

S12 then went on to say that he feels like his R with his father is bad, too. I asked him why did he feel that way, and he said because he felt like H had a much better R with S8 than he did with him. Then S8 quickly said, "Actually, (S12), I feel like my R with Dad is not good either." I asked him why, and he said, "Well, because one night I heard you and Dad arguing with each other, and he wouldn't leave you alone, and then you left.....(S8 started crying so hard ).....and I thought you weren't ever coming back." (S8 was referring to that one night I left, if anyone remembers, about two or three weeks ago.)

I started crying and held them both and said that I would NEVER, NEVER leave them. NEVER. They mean the world to me and I love them more than anything else, and I would not leave them no matter what. I explained that I just needed to get away from their dad to calm myself down before I ended up saying or doing anything that I would regret later. I told them you do have to face your problems and fix them, but you need to have a clear mind before you can do that. That was what I had to do for myself....go for a drive by myself to clear my head....and some people can't understand that because that's not how they would handle the problem. Everyone's different, and we should always respect that.

We talked a little more, and I hope I gave them all the reassurance that I possibly could that no matter what happened between me and their dad that we would all be alright. I want them to be happy, I want their dad to be happy, and I want to be happy. I feel like I've really been trying, but if Dad doesn't want to try, not just say that he does, I can't make our R better on my own. They both said they knew.

At that point, H drove up, so I hugged them and we ended our talk right there, but before that, I reassured them that anytime they wanted to talk to me about anything that was on their mind, they could always do that because I will always be here for them. I also told them I am still trying to make things better with their dad, but again, I couldn't tell them for sure if things were going to work out. They said they understood.

About half an hour later while the boys were finishing up their homework that day, H sat next to them and said he was thinking of getting himself a new bike so "we could all go for a ride together." S12 said, "All of us?" H said, "Yeah. You, me, and (S8)." S12 said, "No, all FOUR of us. You, (S8), me, and Mom."

H said nothing.

I answered S12 with, "Well, until your dad gets a bike, you, me, (S8), and (S3) can go for rides." S8 said, "Cool!"



H still had nothing to say.

[girlfromipanema]

If I were a man, I would TOTALLY ask you to marry me. You are sooooo smart and such a wonderful mom. Your boys are so lucky. I hope your H can WAKE THE F UP!

I always thought if anyone could save their marriage on this forum, it would be you, because you always seem so rational, wise and together. I think your H is just mucked up and until he gets himself figured out, he won't realize what a little gift he has in you.

[MichelleLT]

About half an hour later while the boys were finishing up their homework that day, H sat next to them and said he was thinking of getting himself a new bike so "we could all go for a ride together." S12 said, "All of us?" H said, "Yeah. You, me, and (S8)." S12 said, "No, all FOUR of us. You, (S8), me, and Mom."

Kids say the darndest things! Lol. That totally made me chuckle, mostly because I hope it made your H feel guilty as $h!t.

[GoingForward]

I always thought if anyone could save their marriage on this forum, it would be you, because you always seem so rational, wise and together. I think your H is just mucked up and until he gets himself figured out, he won't realize what a little gift he has in you.

Again, (((((thank you, GFI))))) Although I can't say that it is always him that's to blame. I've messed up, too, during times when I wasn't able to keep myself composed. I make mistakes like anyone else. But shhhh.....don't tell, ok?

Kids say the darndest things! Lol. That totally made me chuckle, mostly because I hope it made your H feel guilty as $h!t.

Oh I believe it did! And trust me, when I heard my son say that to his dad, I was totally BEAMING inside !!!! That's my boy!

Muwahahahahahaha * - with devil horns*

[karen43]

Hey, GF I just found your new thread here! It's funny b/c I had read about how tough it can be after separation when you start piecing, but I always thought why would that be when you finally get what you've wanted? But I can see from reading your thread that I would have a lot of the same problems: my H is also very blaming (just of me though) and also has anger problems. So if we were ever to reconcile, we would prob. be going through that too!

I'm sorry I don't have any great advice to share like you always have GF! But you know you always have my thoughts & support!!! If anyone's marriage will work out successfully, I know it will be yours!!! Karen