he's now gone and getting apartment

[NikB]

Glad you had a good talk with H. Don't let that distract you from focusing on YOU though, OK?

Copying/pasting my last post from your Newcomers thread:

I think it's time to get a signed financial agreement in place. You and he can make threats and phone calls to lawyers all you want. Get it in writing so you both KNOW what you have agreed to.

In response to your newer posts:

Hi guys. Just got a report from Isabella's teacher (she's in pre-k). she got into a FIST fight with another student and has been generally angry the last few weesks (since h moved out). How much worse can this all get?? I have to help my daughter now -- I have to find some kind of counseling.

Sorry to hear about this!

Although I'm sure some of it is "hers" and I think a C is a great idea - my guess is that she's picking up on a lot of your anger too. As you work on getting through that anger and becoming happier and calmer, I bet she will, too.

and h keeps insisting "she'll be fine" with that arrogant look on his face because he is SO HAPPY now. I asked him the other day if he feels guilty (I know, not db) and he said no.

Acknowledging something is "not DB" isn't enough - and you do a LOT of it. You know it's not DB so bite your tongue and don't say it. You are chasing your H away SO fast with every statement like this. As I mentioned before, jabs like this undo a LOT of "good" DB'ing. If you have to, practice counting to 5 (or 10, or 20) in your head between thinking ANYTHING and saying it.

I'm going to find a counselor through our health insurance plan who handles children. If h doesn't participate it is yet another example that I really need to question if I even want to stay with him.

Good that you're finding a counselor. Don't expect your H to attend. NO EXPECTATIONS - you're setting yourself up. The counseling is for your DAUGHTER, not for him. Make the appointment and let him know about it. Ask the C if it's even recommended that he come - IF so, tell him that he's welome to join you and your daughter if he wants to. The C may want to talk to JUST your daughter in which case there's no reason for him to be there.

One other thought, if he even gets a HINT that the purpose of this counseling is to try and make him feel guilty about his decision, he probably won't go. And I also fear that you may be seriously hurt and disappointed when the conversation with the C is about both of you learning to effectively co-parent so that your daughter WILL be OK.

It won't be a "here's why you should stay married" session - I can almost guarantee it. I've seen several friends and family members go through this lately where they tried to use this counseling as a last ditch effort to "persuade" the WAS. It doesn't work although it does push them further away pretty effectively.

Also - you're not choosing whether or not you want to stay with him right now - he already chose to leave. The time to question "do I want this M?" is not now. That decision only comes into play a long time from now, IF he comes to you and says he wants to work it out. Obviously if that happens he (and you both) will have a lot of work to do.

I'm sorry about the apartment thing. I know how much that stings. When my H moved out I still remember him calling me all excited to tell me about a rental he had just toured and really liked. How bizarre right? He doesn't want me but he wants to share his excitement with me? THAT was a tough conversation (a lot of "Yeah that does sound nice" and "I know how you've always liked high ceilings" and stuff). It hurts like he!! but you'll be OK. (((Mary)))

I think you need to get a few things in writing and SOONER rather than later:

1. Financial agreement.
2. Child care arrangements. In fact if he ONLY has her on weekends right now this might be an excellent time to get it in writing. It could impact your child support later, if it comes to that.

I don't know how it works in your state but here and most places I know of, you can file this without formally filing for separation or divorce. Please ask your L. Once this is in writing you can STOP talking to each other about it.