h dropped bomb end of feb. I don't love you, etc. we decided to go to mc (my idea) for three months and during that time he agreed to stay in the house. I got book DR right away. Actually, during first month, I was pretty good at db'ing. giving him space, no R talks and we actually started having the best sex of our relatioship! I felt a "softening". Then I found out about the affair. yes, he's having an affair. things got bad really fast. we weren't able to go to first counseling session until AFTER I found out about the affair becuase it look me that long to fine one. it was a disaster.
h moved out 3 weeks ago. he's renting a room at a colleages (not ow) condo. Now I found out that he actually found an apartment (with a room for our daughter 5,) and I felt like I got kicked in the stomach. Now it just seems so real! My d will have ANOTHER bedroom and if h is getting a proper apartment, it just feel like he's really serious about all this.
Last night he told me affair ended (I don't really believe him). He said ow felt guilt about the situation and couldn't do it. yeah, right.
I know it going to take a lot of time to get past the pain, but getting an apartment, etc, just feels so real and scary.
God it's hard getting through the day. Anyone else feel this way? I have therapy at noon, thank the lord. It's so hard to concentrate on anything other than h and m sitch, let alone try to work and GAL which I know are the VERY things that could possibly help the situation.
I miss being a family. He told me this morning that I relied on him too much. He is right about that. I am so scared to be alone (not just in the romantic sense), and I'm going back to school in August so that's GAL, right? I just have this deep-down thought that I can't take care of myself and I know I have to work on overcoming that thought.
My H moved out to an apartment back in August- of course, we both knew he would be back at some point since he was paying the mortgage and I can't afford it on my own. After 4 months, he said he wanted to move back to the house and have me 'do what I needed to do' to find a place. I am now in a rental house.
Having said that- just because someone gets an apartment, it doesn't mean it's all over. My H is VERY happy at my (newly found) independence. I have made my rental look like ME. I took some adult ed classes (just fun stuff.) Believe me, I know how scary it is. I have been with my H for a total of 13 years; we hadn't slept apart (for an extended period of time) for 12 years when he first moved out. It sucked.
The whole point of DR/DB is to find out who YOU are- and if the WAS comes back, all the better. Time to tip the power scales to a more balanced level. You can do this!
Me-43 H-46 M 12 yrs 7/09 T 15 2 grown kids bomb 7/05/07 H moved out 8/04/07 11/22/09 told him I quit;let's get ball rolling Mid Dec- he isn't sure he wants D End 2/2010-Starting to consider piecing
thank you! just got off the phone with h. for the FIRST time since bomb in feb we actually TALKED about R (he brought it up). I totally db'd and validated his feelings. he is def. softening. we have some old debts that we are now working together to work out and he acknowledged that perhaps it would be better to be together as a couple to work them out along with other things. now he hasn't said he's coming home, but says we'll continue talking. I did not act exited or anything, just kept validating in a loving way.
This is the first sign of hope I've has since this all began.
Glad you had a good talk with H. Don't let that distract you from focusing on YOU though, OK?
Copying/pasting my last post from your Newcomers thread:
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I think it's time to get a signed financial agreement in place. You and he can make threats and phone calls to lawyers all you want. Get it in writing so you both KNOW what you have agreed to.
In response to your newer posts:
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Hi guys. Just got a report from Isabella's teacher (she's in pre-k). she got into a FIST fight with another student and has been generally angry the last few weesks (since h moved out). How much worse can this all get?? I have to help my daughter now -- I have to find some kind of counseling.
Sorry to hear about this!
Although I'm sure some of it is "hers" and I think a C is a great idea - my guess is that she's picking up on a lot of your anger too. As you work on getting through that anger and becoming happier and calmer, I bet she will, too.
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and h keeps insisting "she'll be fine" with that arrogant look on his face because he is SO HAPPY now. I asked him the other day if he feels guilty (I know, not db) and he said no.
Acknowledging something is "not DB" isn't enough - and you do a LOT of it. You know it's not DB so bite your tongue and don't say it. You are chasing your H away SO fast with every statement like this. As I mentioned before, jabs like this undo a LOT of "good" DB'ing. If you have to, practice counting to 5 (or 10, or 20) in your head between thinking ANYTHING and saying it.
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I'm going to find a counselor through our health insurance plan who handles children. If h doesn't participate it is yet another example that I really need to question if I even want to stay with him.
Good that you're finding a counselor. Don't expect your H to attend. NO EXPECTATIONS - you're setting yourself up. The counseling is for your DAUGHTER, not for him. Make the appointment and let him know about it. Ask the C if it's even recommended that he come - IF so, tell him that he's welome to join you and your daughter if he wants to. The C may want to talk to JUST your daughter in which case there's no reason for him to be there.
One other thought, if he even gets a HINT that the purpose of this counseling is to try and make him feel guilty about his decision, he probably won't go. And I also fear that you may be seriously hurt and disappointed when the conversation with the C is about both of you learning to effectively co-parent so that your daughter WILL be OK.
It won't be a "here's why you should stay married" session - I can almost guarantee it. I've seen several friends and family members go through this lately where they tried to use this counseling as a last ditch effort to "persuade" the WAS. It doesn't work although it does push them further away pretty effectively.
Also - you're not choosing whether or not you want to stay with him right now - he already chose to leave. The time to question "do I want this M?" is not now. That decision only comes into play a long time from now, IF he comes to you and says he wants to work it out. Obviously if that happens he (and you both) will have a lot of work to do.
I'm sorry about the apartment thing. I know how much that stings. When my H moved out I still remember him calling me all excited to tell me about a rental he had just toured and really liked. How bizarre right? He doesn't want me but he wants to share his excitement with me? THAT was a tough conversation (a lot of "Yeah that does sound nice" and "I know how you've always liked high ceilings" and stuff). It hurts like he!! but you'll be OK. (((Mary)))
I think you need to get a few things in writing and SOONER rather than later:
1. Financial agreement. 2. Child care arrangements. In fact if he ONLY has her on weekends right now this might be an excellent time to get it in writing. It could impact your child support later, if it comes to that.
I don't know how it works in your state but here and most places I know of, you can file this without formally filing for separation or divorce. Please ask your L. Once this is in writing you can STOP talking to each other about it.
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
thank you! just got off the phone with h. for the FIRST time since bomb in feb we actually TALKED about R (he brought it up). I totally db'd and validated his feelings. he is def. softening. we have some old debts that we are now working together to work out and he acknowledged that perhaps it would be better to be together as a couple to work them out along with other things. now he hasn't said he's coming home, but says we'll continue talking. I did not act exited or anything, just kept validating in a loving way.
This is the first sign of hope I've has since this all began.
today (in about 2 hours) h is coming to pick me up. My 15 year old volvo died on monday and is too expensive too fix (not worth it) so I get his 3 year old Suburu and he's getting a new Suburu, so we are going to the dealership. This is the first thing we have done together since he's left and the first thing we've done alone since initial bomb end of feb. So basically we will be together all day.
I'm nervous a bit. WE had a lot of R talks this week because we have a financial situation (I never knew he had a large AMEX bill, ect -- kept it to himself and finally told me that he wakes up every morning wanting to "vomit" due to bills -this was revealed to me about 2 weeks after bomb). So I told him I want to work on our financial situation together as a couple/family and that let to r talks. for the first time since bomb, instead of saying he is NEVER coming home, he said "I'm not ready", in a loving manner. the talks have actually been loving (granted, I have mostly focused on my side of the street, validating his feelings, etc).
He said relationship with ow is over. He said he "I swear on our daughter's life". I don't know if I believe him. He said the problem he is having is that because I was so "nasty" with my attitude (his words, but there is some truth, I can be a beeotch), and the sex thing (me never wanting it) "ruined" things for him. I know I am not to argue with his feelings, but I said "you CHOOSE if your feelings are 'ruined' or not, no one can 'ruin' your feelings". Anyway, there has been a smidgen of hope I guess, but I am NOT banking on anything.
I need a car (this is why I LOVED living in NYC all those years -- no car issues!), and for today I will be happy, upbeat, avoid any more R talks, and just focus on the day and being together. that's it. When I look at it that way, it lessens my anxiety. I will not expect anything from him (other than the car -- lol) and that's it.
I admit, I did get into asking him to come home this week when I felt the softening (and I DID feel a softening) on his end. This is where the tough part comes -- the waiting. Giving them space to think about things, convo you just had, your actions, etc. But I DO know that when I focus on myself (I'm going back to school, etc), I feel a tiny bit better and I KNOW it was a huge thing for h (I will actually be attending the school that he's on faculty because of the free tuition) -- he helped me every step of the way this week with this. I know he's proud and it's a HUGE 180 for me. the last couple of years I have really let myself go in many ways.
I was signed to RCA for the lord's sake when he met me! then we had Isabella, moved up here and I went into a depression I think. Didn't dress up cute, like I always did, never wanted sex, nagged at him, snapped at him about EVERYTHING.
Anyway, I know I am journaling, but it feels good to get it out.
Thanks for reading you guys.
Question: is it normal for WAS to "waiver" back and forth before they decide to actually come home? I def. feel a waivering going on for sure. one minute I can tell he wants to, then the next thing he says things like, "but it's 'ruined' for me', then the next thing (last night) he told me that he's "open" to trying again.
so pissed at h! why shouldn't I have seen this coming?? He just called and said he wants to go to another Suburu dealership (that's and hour and a half a way from me and since I have no car and can't get there) to "comparison shop". You know, this is how is ALWAYS been, throughout the marriage. When we bought our first suburu about 3 years ago, I thought the salesman was going to commit suicide, h gave him such a hard time.
but here's the thing - -WE'RE NOT IN NYC ANYMORE -- I NEED A CAR AND HE KNOWS THIS!!!
I'm furious. The only way I can get the car is if he comes out to this area and dealership so I can go with him to obviously drive the car home.
This is SO HIM. NOt just post-bomb -- but it's always been this way. He's a major control-freak. God, I'm furious.
ok, he's buying a car as we speak. I dissapointed because I thought we were going to do it together. Also, I just have this feeling that ow (who he said he is no longer seeing) is with him. I should be happy because I'm basically getting a new car out of this, so why do I feel so sad? This is something we would have done together, I guess that's why. I'm just so sick of being sad all the time over him. I actually went 1 day without crying. Now I am crying as I'm typing this. I feel like my family is majorly slipping away. so f'ing painful.
