Cagz is really moving ahead Wierd...

[tpaschal]

*Focus on ME (ok not doing great on this one....work in progress)

I can't figure out what it is that God wants to do in me. Last night I told him that He had all of me. My H used to have all of me. Last summer I told him that I had died inside--that what he had done to me had killed me....I believe that to be true. WHO I WAS is dead...and it is time for some new stinkin' life!!

AGAIN today I say...I want my life back.

It is so GOOD for me to read your thoughts!

I still feel like a work in progress, too. But you know...I think in my M I had become stagnant as a person. Does that make sense? So stuck in the rut of being Mom, housewife, etc., that even though I did some fun things for myself or got together with friends, I wasn't GROWING as a person. So being a "work in progress" is an improvement!

(Course, I still wish the lightning bolt or 2x4 or whatever could have come in a form other than H's MLC, but.....maybe God knew that's what it would take. Not sayin' I'm happy bout it.......)

GO CAGZ!!!

[cagzmom]

you two crack me up! Work in progress- stuck in the mud - not willing to let go of someone who doesn't love me and is sleeping iwth another woman - shoot he is living with her!! I AM AN IDIOT!!

If I were a friend of mine I would smack me!! =)

[cagzmom]

had a 2x4 moment - may be good - but i need to choose....what will i do? will i pick the scab more? or for once begin to let the healing start???

[cat03]

ohhhh, that's a mental pict i use lots, "would I keep digging into the wound or let it heal?"

[cagzmom]

Time and time again over the past week I have had confirmation of things. And time and time again I tell myself I have to walk it out..all of it.

Walking it out is the hardest part.

[cagzmom]

SO wierd- they come up to you and act as if nothing has happened...so ready for softball to be over so I can forget what he looks like for awhile....the quiet of no H will be very very good for my heart.

My h is different than so many - I believe it is his passive agressive side---he is nice. It sucks!

[cagzmom]

S19 is HOME!! So happy so happy!! Can NOT believe his freshman year is done. So thankful that he has grown and matured on his own- and that i am real about the things that he has experienced this last year.

d11 is at a good place. She and s19 have come to terms with h..with the choices he has done. S19 in a way different way then d11...he can say no and avoid ow --d11 can not. BUT she has learned to put what her needs are first- and often has learned that some boundaries are left to be crossed, but we still control our OWN reaction and decsion.

Mom? She is very happy to have both her kids home. Very happy that i already have gone through so much (can't believe I said that) SO GLAD that the memories from last year are not good ones.. THat is wierd isn't it? The further away the less "good" times...I do remember them but LAST year at this time H was on his way to idiot land like nonother!! The lies were huge - ow was just new in the picture and just an every other weekend thing.

Last june - well I DO NOT want to relive that!! So i move forward and am determined to figure my life out.

Ok so easy words we will see how i do

[cagzmom]

Another night where I had to see H. He looks terrible. Drama brews with ow - yet he holds onto it. He is so very depressed, has bouts of rage - and is not broken or even close to any way out of his mlc. Blame blame blame. NOT ANGRY blame..just blame.

He talked about hurting himself yet again. At this point I can't help him - he has used this wording in the past to pull me in - for what? I dont know. At this point I am not trying to fix him. I CANT.

I have read so many post of the mlc'rs return....and the way it is so out and back again...both emotionally and physically. And I have noticed ONE COMMON thread. The places where there has been "success" is where teh MLCr made some common choices:

1) Took Accountabilty
2) Got personal counseling
3) stopped blaming
4) faced thier own hurt and dug deep down to "live"
5) decided PERIOD to make choices for himself that were healthy

H - wont take accountabiltiy. He does say that the life he is living this spring is much different then last year. (DUH not out of choice). He thinks he is making the choices...I see it as old patterns just resurfacing. The depression, the emptiness, the lack of energy -- all what I remember in different stages. HE NEVER wanted to FACE what is inside of him....I pray he will some day. If he doesn't I dont know what will become of him.

[cat03]

wow cag, how terribly sad, he is in self destruct mode , thank heavens you have decided that this isnt' your fight.

[cagzmom]

Went to C today and we talked about the diffence between letting go and burying someting. For me we both feel I have let go (though to many who love me they don't see it.) BUT I am not ready to burry my marriage. It was refreshing.

While we talked I "Saw" how I have come through so many stages...and giggled a little at the end as I recognized the "5 stages of grief..."

I am through denial - oh my was that hard
Through with anger -PRAISE GOD
and the depression (the constant depression) has subsided... he feels I have moved onto acceptance...i do too.

Acceptance- what does it mean to me?

I can't change H- if he wants a friend I am willing to be there- yet he doesn't want it and I can't force it.

I CAN make it without h. (again don't want it-but I can)

I understand so much more today then I did a year ago. For those of you newbies I must tell you that it DOES LOOK different a year or more later. The memories of last year make this year seem like a peice of cake (ok today only-but remembering the hurt of last year doesn't even compare to last year.)

I understand the way that time allows for us to move forward EVEN if htat isn't what we wanted. I understand that I do love and did love and can love in a very very healthy way.

I understand I have WAY MORE to go and do on myself before i get involved with anyone. AND H? He is "welcome" to be around yet he is so far into blame he has no desire....and I can't force it.

I am thankful and at peace today. AND I have also learned to take TODAY for today....for that I AM VERY VERY THANKFUL. I will not gloom and doom my tomorrow...I will not loose the joy from my past...but FOR today I can live in TODAY.