Just a little thing to post tonight. It's my Mom's 71st birthday today and the girls are with my wife this week. Last night I reminded the girls and my wife it was Mom's birthday today.
So my wife and the girls called my mother and then got on speakerphone and the three of them sang happy birthday. I know my Mom really appreciated it because she loves my wife like her own daughter.
Thanks Honey!
If we really want to love, we must learn how to forgive. - Mother Theresa
Bit of journaling tonight, I have to say it's one of those nights, it's been a while but y'all know them. All I can say is at times like this it sucks being a LBS and still very much in love with your spouse. But I know I'll get through it albeit its tough when it seems only romantic comedies are on TV and "love" songs on the radio, argh! And to add to it D11, well almost D12, who's nearly her mother's size came up to me tonight for no known reason, gave me a hug, said Daddy I love you. At that moment I realized how much she looks like her mother and sounds like her too. I just hugged her back and said thank you. She walked off with an enormous smile. This situation is just killing her inside but like her mother she internalizes and puts on a brave face. Lordy she has a big heart.
Now something that was a bit difficult to deal with yesterday. D11 was working on a school project where she had to design a family coat of arms with traits she felt were central to her family. She choose, Religion, Love, Education and Tradition. I've always tried to teach our girls that we should always "just show love." So for Love she drew a picture of our family then told me about it, "we all love each other." Argh!
I no longer analyze everything to the nth degree but a question has been deep inside since mid-week, first why did my wife buy and give my Mother an orchid even nicer than she buys for herself and why did she join us for dinner on Mother's Day when my sister and I cooked for my Mother? Granted I extended the open invitation but she accepted almost too quickly, was it some sense of obligation or guilt because she knows my family hasn't taken sides and is honestly "just showing love?"
OK enough for now, suffice to say, yes I am still very much "in love" and "love" my wife even if when we were with the girls on Monday at the passport office and at lunch she barely spoke to me and seemed to me as if she wanted to be 1000 miles away. D9 said that night, "Daddy, I think Mommy enjoyed being with you today." Dang I sure didn't think she did, she didn't look at me and barely spoke, well didn't participate in chit chat.
Ah the fun of being a standing LBS!
Well Memorial Day is coming up and I'm thinking about heading over to the UK to visit friends. Hard to believe we've been back 18 months now, jeez we only lived there 18 months yet the place seems to hold some mysterious grasp for us both, for me it is very bittersweet. I turned 40 there and she gave me the most wonderful weekend of my life for my 40th birthday, a weekend in Paris and this beautiful photo album just of her. I was really looking forward to doing something memorable for her 40th. Sadly she got a signed separation agreement on her 40th. It was that day we finally agreed on all the points, we signed it two days later, guess that was memorable just not like I had originally planned. I had been looking forward to taking her to either the Caribbean or south Pacific.
Can I keep holding on, keep standing??
Last edited by catfan; 05/14/0804:15 AM.
If we really want to love, we must learn how to forgive. - Mother Theresa
Romans 5: 1-5 "Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our suffering because we know that suffering produces perseverance; character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out this love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us."
If we really want to love, we must learn how to forgive. - Mother Theresa
Well I've debated a lot about heading to the UK for a long weekend and finally decided it's too costly. Also I realized it would be a very, very bittersweet trip for me. Granted we got separated just before we moved back and in many regards it was probably the worst part of our marriage for her. But it also for me was the best 2 years of it as well. There definitely were a lot of great memories for me, hence why I was considering returning. She gave so much of herself to me while we were there but in the end she couldn't find her own happiness because she was looking for me and our marriage to provide it. She had lost who she was yet her she was trying so d@mn hard to reconnect us. She did and I fell madly back in love with her. But her issues, I believe she was seriously MLC at this time, kept her from seeing and feeling all I was trying to do for her. I too was trying so hard but it wasn't enough because I was also in such a bad place in how I viewed myself.
So back to the present. She's gotten very distant the last month or two. She's getting out and doing things for herself now and occasionally tells me about them, rock climbing and hiking are the two big ones.
Last week she was once again in the UK and Germany and she had some fun travel challenges. She was sharing them with me as they happened, sending either emails to texts. We had a good laugh together about it all. She returned Friday and evidently sent me a text that I never received which may have been a bad thing. It sounded like there was some expectation she had. So Sunday afternoon she sent me a text asking if I would like to join them for dinner after I dropped the girls off. She's not invited me to dinner in months now. This was until Jan a regular thing.
We had a wonderful dinner and enjoyed being together as a family. I cleaned the kitchen not to curry favor but because I wanted to. She appreciated it but may have wondered if I was trying to curry favor. After dinner she went about a number of tasks in the house, laundry etc. I sat with the girls but did offer assistance which was politely turned down. She didn't seem to want me to leave but wasn't entirely comfortable with me there either. Strange since she needed to give me a ride home!
Now a bit of a backslide or mistake on my part. I did ask her while at the dinner table if I could take the girls to see the new Indiana Jones movie on Th. We'd been talking about it for months. Well she had planned to do that. The girls made an overture about doing it as a family and I said "if Mommy would like that, I'm ok with it." What I should have done was not ask and let her take them. So last night I told her I didn't want to infringe on their time together and wanted them to have a good time at the movies. She appreciated the offer and said "that's probably a good idea because I don't want the girls to get the wrong impression."
I'm reading that as I took too big of a step. I say that because last week she asked me to buy 4 tickets to tonight's school awards banquet. She wants us to go as a family. My thought is Sunday dinner and tonight are all she can handle for the week. So I'll back off let her be and enjoy the bit of time together with her and the girls.
Oh one other thing, I think I have finally, finally mastered attitude. This may sound strange but I feel like I am in a position of control, of power. I'm confident, happy, in-control of me and my life. When we are together now I don't seem to have to fight off the undercurrent of anger and bitterness from being rejected by her. In the past I would sometimes get angry just before we met because I was upset about being rejected by her. Not now, and oddly it's because I realize I have control of my life, specifically I have options!
Also I've noticed when we have been together lately I'm the confident one, she seems a little reserved, she seems to be doing what I had been doing, fighting off some undercurrent of negative emotions. She's made a couple of comments on the change she seen in me. So I have wondered if she's processing it all now and finally realizing I am this renewed man, the man she married and who was lost for so long, the man I for so long was trying to be while also rejecting my role. Who knows, but I'm finally very happy with who I am even more so now then when I made all the big step over the last year and a half. I also wonder if she's struggling as she sees I'm moving forward and moving forward without her. I'm actively looking for a house to purchase now, somewhere that will be home for me and the girls. I'm also looking to replace my suburban with a small car and a few other moving on types of things and I'm enjoying it too!
If we really want to love, we must learn how to forgive. - Mother Theresa
Ok just an update about the school sports banquet. We all sat together but my wife and D11 sat on one side of the table and D10 and I sat on the other. We sat with good friends too. This whole positive, confident, in control attitude that has embraced me continued, its like I can't help but be this way! I talked with our friends and her making conversation as if there never had been an issue in our lives. Slowly over the 2.5 hour banquet it seemed that she was growing more and more intolerant. It was as if anger, bitterness and other negative feelings were slowly eating away at her, just like it would do me for so long because I thought she was moving on without me.
Well as we all were walking out she told the girls to tell me good night like usually. We did and then they walked away, she didn't say a thing to me, no good night, no good bye, she just walked away. The girls looked back at me with curious looks as they tried to catch up to her. So I said loudly, Good night W, y'all have a good night and a great day tomorrow. She turned back and said good night with a smirk or semi-smile.
So folks since Saturday I've had this feeling something big is coming. What and when I don't know and honestly I don't care because I now know I can handle it no matter what!! It may be tomorrow it may be next month, when I don't know but finally I know I can handle what ever is tossed my way. I am strong enough to take the worst blows or the most extreme excitements and stand, stand strong!
If we really want to love, we must learn how to forgive. - Mother Theresa
Oh another thing, I'm able to watch my guilty pleasure movies without getting overcome by sadness and tears. Yes, romantic comedies are my guilty pleasure. I am all of the sudden able to watch them, get a smile and feel good. Sure there are moments they choke me up, romantic comedies do that but I can enjoy them and see the wonderful thing in them, love.
BTW, I've watched PS I love you and Love Actually a number of times now testing out this. LOL! Dang PS I love you is funny and touching. The karaoke scenes are just too funny and of course Hilary Swank, oh my!!!
Last edited by catfan; 05/21/0803:08 AM.
If we really want to love, we must learn how to forgive. - Mother Theresa
Holy Cow I just double, well quadruple checked the price of that plane ticket, it jumped another $900, that is it doubled since yesterday!!!! Guess I'm not going to the UK no matter what!
If we really want to love, we must learn how to forgive. - Mother Theresa
Nothing of course has really changed. We had our dinner, at her invitation last Sunday after I dropped the girls off. Then Tuesday we attended the annual sports banquet at school, again at her request. Both times she was apparently wanting to be together but not. She seemed to have some underlying anger that she was fighting off. (Boy do I know that feeling.)
On Thursday the girls had checkups with their doctor and the orthodontist. After these appointments my wife called me to give me an update. In the past this was the kind of thing she would have done via email. Then on Friday she called to tell me she was taking D11 to the orthopedist because a suspected broken finger. Afterwards she called to give me the update then when I casually asked about her day she began to rant about things at work. That was the first time she's really just opened up to me about anything other than the girls or family business.
She had the girls this weekend at our beach house. Knowing she had the girls over the weekend and it was a holiday I had offered to let her keep them with her through yesterday. So she did.
Yesterday I sent her a text inquiring when she was going to bring the girls by and inviting her to join us for dinner. I did this to test the waters a bit because she had invited me last week for the first time in months. Well she replied how about 5. (Side note this is 1 hour before our usual agreed upon time.) I countered with 5:30 so they would have enough time to get back from the beach and get stuff ready. She came by and dropped the girls off. I mentioned she was welcome to stay for dinner but she replied she had errands to run. She needed to go to Target, the grocery store, etc. Oddly she seemed in a hurry to get out the door. She gave the girls hugs then just turned and walked out, not a word to me. As she was closing the door I said in a friendly tone "see ya, have a good week!"
As we got ready this morning I discovered the girls, once again, didn't have the appropriate clothing for school with them, not to mention a few other missing necessities. Needless to say this really made me angry because she seems to be missing the small but important things. It's taken all day but I'm past the anger and will when we speak this evening mention the shirt issue. I won't accuse or in any way imply she needs to step it up. I'll take the high road for certain. Why, I don't want her to ever think anger is ruling me ever again.
If we really want to love, we must learn how to forgive. - Mother Theresa
