Well this is it, it has taken 2 years to get to this final stage, some days it seems like it has taken 2 years, other times it feels like just yesterday when H turned on me accusing me of ruining the marriage, Yes apparently I ruined the marriage by confronting him about his affair.
He has been out of my life totally for the whole 2 years, He never looked back, he remains angry and hurt, he has felt like the victim the whole way through. If I say anything it has been taken negatively and seen as direct hit on his emotions.
H is a fantastic liar, he has a great support network, none of these people know me or the boys, he has his family on his side, MIL tries to break away every now and again and begins to contact us again but then I suspect that H offers some convincing talk that persuades her to be more loyal to her son rather than her grandsons.
This journey has been tough, I have had thoughts of desperation, thoughts of throwing in the towel so many times, it has been difficult not to publically scream, I have wanted to let people know what is going on in our lives but I haven't.
I have supported H, I suppose in doing so I have made excuses for his behaviour, but I have to believe that the man I married is the real H.
I can not accept that the person he has become is a guy that has found his true self.
He is in great debt, estranged from his sons, lost contact with a huge group of family and friends and is not doing so well at work and has health issues.
Looking on the bright side of H's stich, he has his freedom, he is not burdened with everyday stress, the troubles with living with expensive, annoying teenagers. He gets to keep all his income to himself, he can come and go as he likes in his own place- he lives a life with no restrictions.
I do not know if H views his new life style as full and complete or empty, when he first left I asked him if he was happy, he said not really because he didn't have his family with him, I asked if he viewed me as a member of his family and he said he never had, I was merely just the mother of his children. I don't think he even thinks that highly of me now.
My view on my life 2 years on is so different to how I felt back then, I have good health, I have enough income to support me and my sons, I have a home, a job that I enjoy doing, I have fantastic family & friends, but most of all I have daily contact with our sons and we laugh and share our experiences. Not everyday is bliss, we are still on this rollercoaster ride, we are still getting used to life without H but we get through each day and the low days are infrequent now.
Up until now I have not been able to have closure, one thing the D will allow us both is closure. H has stated from the day he left that it was a D he wanted, he seems he has achieved little else so I guess he will view the D as an achievment, I guess D day will be a day of celebration for H. I will not be celebrating, to me D day is merely a business deal, nothing more, this is how I have dealt with the D process so far, I just hope it is how I continue to do so.
I hope DBers who are just beginning to experience this journey can see the positive side of my story, I do not focus on the fact that H is no longer a part of my life, I do not feel like I have failed my marriage, I view my life as a success, when I look back I have come so far and achieved so much, I have everything I need to feel complete, I do not need H in my life to feel complete, I would like him to be a part of my life but I do not need him to be.
