Ready for the long ride.

[minkerman]

Now THAT is what I like to see, Lucas!

You have it totally figured out. She wants her space, now give it to her. If she is ever going to come back, this is the only way it's going to happen. She MUST experience what it would be like without you.

Great work on your PMA, buddy!

[LucasE]

OK, OK, BIG UPDATE.

I was feeling extra low. Taking d7 to school is always hard. The walk back to the car is a chance to cry. Anyhow. W calls me at work today and we talk about stuff. She tells me that she was buying organic mattresses for the kids for her place and thought that maybe she should put them at the family home because that is where they sleep the most and started to cry. I SWEAR. She has never cried on the phone with me since this started six months ago. Sure, maybe it is guilty crying but it was not centered around me. I like to look at it as a good thing. She is opening up. Allowing me to see other feelings than just happy and confident. I was very kind but strong and supportive. Later she called me again to ask about my paycheck, which was annoying, but I have that first call. She can't take that back.

As for GAL, I might get to go to South Africa for work for four days on a film set. That would be cool, right? Tomorrow I am going to take the kids to Disneyland with the hot young nanny. It was W's suggestion, although when I told her that's what I was doing, she paused. Tomorrow night I see Kobe Bryant get his MVP award. (W likes basketball more than I.)

I am freakin depressed about all of this but it sure feels like I am doing what I am supposed to. I just got the book "Choice Theory." Amazon is amazing. I never did that kind of thing before. I always relied on W to order stuff. A whole new world out there for the whole new me. I am so busy I don't know when I will be able to read my new books. Not a bad predicament. Maybe on the plane.

Nights are good lately. Mornings blow. Good luck to all of you. L

[cat03]

going to SA sounds awesome, hope you have a great time. Have fun at disney, how lucky! and, umm, stay away from the nanny ok?

[LucasE]

Thanks cat, I'm just not the guy to hook up with the nanny, as enticing as that might be. My dad would have, and that's probably why I wouldn't. I'm a one woman guy, which is certainly why I'm here. It is a strange phenomenon, when I thought I was happily married, I was attracted to most women. Now that my W is rejecting me, I can't seem to find anyone attractive, except, of course, my sweet darling W, cold and cruel as she may be now. That is my current curse. And yes, it is the power I give to the curse. If I could shut down my feelings for W, I would. No, I wouldn't. If I survive this, the new highs could dwarf the old ones.

UPDATE: Well, some very interesting things have happened since I decided to try to talk to W. She has opened up to me twice and even cried both times. This is the first time in five months that she has dropped her happy guard. She misses her dad. She is staying at his old house. She took down some of his art and then missed it, so she put it back up. Is this a signal? Like she is not sure about all this change? Or is this just about an empty wall? I am encouraged by the display of emotion. It has to be a good thing. The next morning, it was high heels at 8 am.

I'm holding on for the ride. I think I might be changing. I think I have become much more relationship aware. I hope that I might be able to try my new skills with my W. She does not seem to be ready. I wrote a song for my d7 school play. Everyone loves it. W thought it was dumb.

Love to all of you. L

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Lucas,

Her facing her past and confusion is a part of the process. She has to figure out how to deal with it. There is nothing you can do but wait, there is nothing you can really help her fix. You can only control you and your actions.

When changes become consistent, when changes are no longer 'changes' but the norm, then they are established as a part of you.

Rebuilding a broken marriage IS tough. I hope you get the opportunity to. It's like building a house. If you do it fast, you have to worry about alot of things, if you do it slow, you are assured of the quality of work and can enjoy it. Some days are better than others, but your right, the highs are higher.

[LucasE]

Hi, Happy Mother's Day. I am learning to understand the WAW but if someone is doing all of this to a mother, well, that's just criminal. My heart goes out to all of you who face a WAM.

Thanks JTB. I'm waiting. It doesn't feel like it gets any easier. Six months into it I still dwell all day every day. I do enjoy, a little bit, watching her spin. I am trying to watch myself to see if my changes are real. I know I'm much more aware of my actions and words but I still feel like me. The me who couldn't hold an M together.

Well, last night W and I went on our first date. It was a party for parents at a famous rock star's house. She didn't have to go, so I will consider it a good thing. I was perfect. I looked my best. I was funny. I was attentive. We had fun. Then, I dropped her off at our home and went to my Separation Cell. This morning, the kids gave her the Mother's Day cake we made together, and gave her the gift I gave her. ( Two prints in frames of the kids that I took earlier this week, not the expensive earrings I have been agonizing over for weeks.) She texted me about how beautiful it all was and thank you. I forced myself to not respond. She didn't ask a question and she is surrounded in all of my goodness. I think my response would be lame anyway. I don't know, though. I do hate it when the texts end with one of mine. It's like she wins the point. I think I will lovingly distance today. Today she drives up to her mother's house with the kids and sees her sister and her new family just like we have done for 15 years. No doubt my presence will be missed by all. That seems good. The halls of her mother's house are filled with pictures of me. There is one great one where I am pronouncing her sister married to her husband.

I'm not gonna text. Love to you all.

[LucasE]

I think I blew it this morning. Last night W sent me a text saying she would call later and she didn't. So I got upset and decided to confront her this morning. I have felt tread upon during this whole process and have never stood up for myself, so I felt like this inconsiderate move by her, needed to be identified. I was thinking about the guy in DR who blows up at his wife who stays out late and she is impressed. I very calmly asked her why she didn't call and she said she didn't feel good and went to bed. I told her I wished she could have told me and she said the phone works both ways and stormed out of the room, saying she didn't want to talk about it then. I tried to engage her enough to resolve the misunderstanding by saying I just wanted her to know how I felt, but she walked away.

I tried to stand up for myself and it turned her smile into a frown. I hate this. I am not so happy. I'm sure it was that darn holiday. Hope you all are well.

[Marcum]

Lucas you and i are like brotheres in this ecsept I dont have kids. As you said lets learn from eachother. I started this in Jan and im approuching 6 months. dont worry if you get tired and depressed. its NATURAL. you will go throught a period of morning about this. I guess I belive you cant DB untill that part is done. When you exspect good results they wont come...period. but the unexspected stuff will keep you going. Belive half of what she says. and realise that you are doing the right thing. in todays society keeping M together is not the norm. best whishes and I will be stopping in a lot more often. good luck my friend

[Marcum]

One more thing. you have come further and realised more in a few weeks then i have in almost 6 months! your a learner and a teacher. thank you

[LucasE]

Thank you M. Don't follow me too close until I get somewhere. I'm not proven. Well, we did go on our first date in six months this Sat. I got to try to remember the progress. Small steps. Slow and Steady. What a trip.

I think my M is a very special case, but that's what makes this website so good, all the WASs are special. Which hopefully makes them not special, and therefore, bound to some earthly rules. So far my M has been following rules I never heard of.

My day finally settled when I got home and did the hand off of the kids. Now they're mine, HA HA! I get to feel secure for about 8.5 more hours and then it starts all over. I made a C session for Wed. W just texted. Seems as if my being angry with W this morning hasn't lead her to the lawyer just yet. She seems the same. Which is better than that alternative. I think. I really believe she has got to go on this journey all the way. I don't know why, but that's how it seems.

I have some words of wisdom: Try to avoid spending a holiday alone. Really alone. I saw no one, I spoke to no one. I thought it would be nice. I read a couple relationship books (getting back together and how to get your lover back.) But being alone and not reaching my mother and not seeing M or the kids, I kind of freaked. That is certainly why I got so mad at M this morning. Which, by the way, I truly believed to be a good thing because I NEVER get mad. Ever. Hey! That's a 180! I'm sure if someone saw it they wouldn't have seen it, but that was mad for me. I'm not totally proud of it as I believe that anger is negative and not constructive. Usually. Heck, I don't know, do I? Good questions for the C.

Sleep tight everyone. L