H is Having Affair after all - Part 2

[25yearsmlc]

Evie,

EVERY SINGLE TIME YOU PURSUE, you end up feeling hurt and or angry or sick. What do you honestly expect to have happen if you have a drink and dinner, (assuming he accepts, and if he doesn't agree, you'll feel the fool)? Do You thin hk you'll Both calmly, and with the best of intentions, solve the financial issues, custody plans, property settlements.....You're hoping even if not consciously, that your h will snap his head out of his ass, and "Get it". You're setting yourself up for preventable self inflicted pain. Realistically, BEST case scenario is all will be well in the dinner, some laughing about "the old times", the kids, the crazy relative he liked and then later, you'll feel used when he goes back to OW or wherever he goes as long as it isn't with you. And the odds of him magically melting and suddenly "getting it" are low, as far as happening at a dinner. This will take time and you are once again, pursuing and it has never helped. Distance yourself. Detach. And
as far as which choice to make about houses, bills, etc. instead of worrying that one scenario benefits him more, or makes him less harmed, etc. FORGET ABOUT HIM for now b/c the finances are ALL about you and the kids. What is best for YOU and the Kids might also be convenient for him but so what? Don't cut your nose to spite your face.

Stop focussing on him and start focussing on what you have left in your life, which is a lot. The more you let h ruin YOUR life, the more he hurts your d's lives and sons' lives. You have to show them that YOU are in charge of your own happiness so they'll learn to do the same in their lives.
Also, I'm biased about the Solicitors b/c I'm an attorney myself, so forgive me if I'm off base here. But I sure wouldn't worry about spending too much on a lawyer (for maybe 2 extra visits) with what is at stake, including the kids. Don't think your h won't try to get full custody if it means he pays you nothing. Many men suddenly become "mr. Daddy", a la Kevin Federline and Britney Spears. He wants full custody b/c then she pays ALL the child support to him. Plus, I'm not clear on the solicitor attitude YOU have. Why hire one at all if all you want to do is come up with a plan of YOUR OWN Making and then what? Have the solicitor "sign off"? Why not listen to what they say and suggest? I'm NOT talking about spending a fortune on legal fees unecessarily, but your h and you are NOT in alignment about the finances or the kids. You are both supposedly trying to do this the cheap way and I've seen
that work exactly once, with a newly married couple who suddenly realized they'd made a mistake. Out of 100 clients that was the only couple to successfully negotiate their own deal, married less than a year, owning nothing and without children. You are not one of those few. Are you sure you aren't liking the increased time and possibility of manipulation or control, through the endless emails and arguments, etc.?? Just asking the tough questions. Actually I am hearing control things on both ends, but I'm no therapist.

You seem to do better when you focus on the kids and YOUR R with them. My DB coach And T told me to reassure the kids that no matter what their dad/step dad does, YOU will never leave them and you will always care most about their happiness. I said this to my D10, (then 8) and it really made a difference to her. She is holding me to that as well, btw. We are moving back to California in part for her. I hope she knows how much we do value her.

I hear WAS's say outrageously self absorbed things so often that many in our society accept it as fact. The WAS typically says things like "I Need (want, have the right to, am owed, etc blah blah blah)--- I have to leave this family/marriage/home to grow and be happy and it won't harm the kids "in the long run", because-uhmmmm---(here it comes -the big lie) "Children do fine in the long run b/c CHILDREN are resilient...." I'm sorry, but the reason that cliche bothers me is b/c it is the exact OPPOSITE OF THE TRUTH. WE, as the Adults, are "resilient" and they, the children, have the right to grow and be happy. This isn't about you and fixing your loneliness quickly. It's about saving your children.


Your h's appearance belies his words and actions a bit. But when you start seeing signs of hope, you show him that and then he runs again, or puts his foot down, etc. Don't "see" the signs or at least don't react to them until he hits you over the head with them and says he wants to try again. And btw, if he said that to you right now, wouldn't you hesitate a bit? Of course you would. Rebuiding the M will take time and a lot more work than you'd think (that's been my experience, but it is getting easier with time).
Read how it really is work, mixed with pain, and forgiveness, and sometimes great joy for people in piecing back their M's. (Hence the term "piecing") and what it took to get there. You simply cannot manipulate any more.

Don't you see that it is what you are doing every time you spend energy wondering what he means, and how YOU should say something or what You should do for what goal? doing this or that to.......control him?...to make him come back?...to hurt him?...to guilt him?...all of the above? Isn't it a form of Manipulation in this situation and you simply cannot do that anymore. The reality is that any control you have over him, is an illusion. And a dangerous one since it wastes so much time and life IS short.

I have NOT said there is no hope. I am saying, again, to stop the pursuing and to stare hard at what has worked in your sitch, and what has not. Stop doing what doesn't work and keep doing what does work. If nothing seems to work, then try something you've never tried before. I'd suggest detachment. True detachment will be your biggest 180', your biggest "aha" moment, and the biggest step into your future. I don't know how you CAN get your husband back, but I do know ways you CAN'T, and that's by doing more of the same.

sorry for the 2 x 4. Please see the Solicitor and if you respect them, LISTEN to them and don't come in with YOUR legal plan for them to sign off on....what are you paying them for, proofreading? Let THEM help you figure out a strategy for you that you are comfortable with (as much as you can be under the circumstances) and don't assume your h's comments about firing his "mean" solicitor are true. I don't believe that, or if he did, why tell you? Oh yeah, b/c he's a good guy! Gee, thanks for leaving, dating, divorcing me but not using the worst sleaziest lawyer around. Yeah, thanks...please... Ever wonder if he is in fact seeing his Solicitor a LOT more than you are seeing yours? It's surely possible, and why not assume he'll continue to do so? What is it that makes you believe all his words when his actions are not consistent with them? He's taking actions, and you are RE-acting, only you don't have all the puzzle pieces. You only know what he's doing when he lets you, but for the A.

Also, you discuss his A with OW a lot. I don't want to pound you for this, but seriously. You did something very similar to your first h, didn't you? I mean, isn't that arguable to the outsider looking in? Instead of avoiding that or pretending "that was soooo different" why not embrace it as the mistake it was? Sure, maybe you should have divorced your first h. Probably so since I think you said he had a temper. But why not admit that dating the present h so soon was a mistake that caused undue harm to your ex, and perhaps was too fast as a new couple, and likely way too fast for the kids. Plus your present h resents the hell out of your ex avoiding the responsibility of his own daughters and putting it on your present h. It's a legitimate complaint, as long as it isn't aimed at the girls and as long as no one stresses to them that BOTH their fathers/father figures abandoned them.

They know this. Your daughters feel the rejection every day. Of the two men, it's more the fault of your first h since they are his children. I'm rambling. Just wanted to stop in, and sorry if I banged your head too hard with the 2 x 4's.
j-