I'm Finally Ready to "Drop the Rope"

[fooled again]

Mike,

The hardest thing about what is happening now is me - my dark thoughts, my fears, my worries creeping back into my mind. So many things still appear suspicious to me, and I am trying to find a comfortable place between a rock and a hard place. If I remain detached, my H says he feels that I don't care, don't make him feel that I love him, don't give him attention, he becomes obsessed w/ what I'm doing, and afraid. If I lessen my detachment and start to open up, I start to get those awful suspicions about what he is doing, I become obsessed w/ what he is doing and I feel myself starting to get messed up again. It's the uncertainty that is scrambling things up for me.

I don't know, maybe having the certainty that it was really over might be easier, then I could figure out what is the right thing to do for ME, b/c I would simply have to worry about only me (and D). I said easier, not better. It is not what I want or wish for, nor would it EVER be. I just think it might be easier. I think that's why so many people do give up and go their separate ways. But I'm sure if our places were reversed and I was dealing with the D and you were piecing, I would think otherwise.

D is actually having a really hard time w/ our sitch. She wants things to be back to the way they were so badly, and when we are all together, she is ecstatic. But when it is time for H to leave, she completely melts down. It's heartbreaking. I talked to her about it and asked what she was feeling. She told me that when we have a really good family day like that, she doesn't want it to end, and she is afraid that it won't ever happen again. It's so hard to know what is the right thing to tell her about what H and I are doing. She's very, very smart, and I have talked to her about wanting things a certain way and having to wait, but for someone so little, waiting is agony. So we do the best we can. But I can tell you Mike, this does not get easier, at least not right away.

Butterflymom, I wonder if you have fluttered by to check up on me lately. If you are reading this, could you tell me if you had any strategies for working through the initial stages of piecing, where you were both so raw and fragile and suspicious. I'm still trying to remain detached, but the closer I get to him, the harder it is to maintain, like an emotional vortex.

I had found out something on the w/e that upset me but didn't want to talk about it w/ him so I tried to tell him I was tired and he should go get some sleep too. He showed up seconds later at the door wanting to know why I didn't want to see him, that he'd been thinking about holding me all week. I suggested that maybe we weren't ready to try to reconcile right now, that I felt as though he still needed to figure out what he wanted. He left then came back and then it turned into an R talk of epic proportions. We talked about many, many things, recent and not so recent and he stayed the night and just held me. We spent the next day together w/ D and did stuff around the house, had dinner and he stayed over again.

Part of me is very, very happy that we are talking about things, but part of me is feeling very vulnerable as my layers of protection are peeled away so that I can reconnect w/ him. Trust is the biggest issue w/ us, and he knows that I still don't trust him. By the same token, he doesn't trust me, since he is afraid that I will simply toss him away for what he has done, maybe draw him back so I can get back at him.

I guess putting this all down in words has helped me tonight, even though I have no solutions right now. I also see that I need to read the parts of DB that have to do with the work that has to be done to rebuild our M, the goal setting, the watching what is working, all that stuff.

Thanks to you again for reading.
FA