W and I piecing this M back together #2

[sandi2]

Hi Lan, well from a female POV......I can almost promise you that this is where it all started:

Last night W illustrated how sensitive she can be to things I say. We were at a party for a family friend, we were just listening to the music when the DJ played "Guilty" by Barbara Striesend, and I said to W that this track if from a fantastic album, and every woman should listen to it. Well W jumped back and laid into me verbally saying that I was having a go at her for things that had happened in the past. When I asked her what she meant by this, she said me asking her to listen to an album titled "Guilty" and apparently during the previous week I made some quip to W parents that if W had her way that I would have been out of the house a long time ago. Well I assured W that I wasn't raking things up but since we haven't had closure on events and we hadn't discussed things then she was always going to be on edge reading negative things into what I say, and the only way to get past this is to discuss matters and put them to bed.

I believe this is where it started. It was all that dang song that hit home with her and your words stung her to the pit of her soul when you said something about all women should listen to this. That was uncalled for and you should have known it would hurt.....do you think you were wanting to give her that unconscious "dig"? Then you admitted that you made that statement to her folks.....again....uncalled for. I would be sensitive also! Just b/c it has not been "put to bed" does not allow you the right to do this to her. It is like you are punishing her and she won't stay around long if you continue to do that. She doesn't want your wrath. I know, you want her to do some talking and make closure, etc. But, I assure you, this is not the way to get it done!

Anyway, she still feels very guilty and is still working on that and you have to realize that she is hyper-sensitive about all that. so, you have to be very cautious of what you say. In fact, when the song came on, you should have done something to steer you and your W away from there and at least get something to drink, go outside, go to the bathroom, talk.....anything but to put her in that predicament and then you come along and make that comment. Oh Lan! (Here's your sign!)

So, it went from that night on to worse. Don't you see? That was never resolved and she kept that resentment of you submitting her to that hurt again, (instead of protecting her in front of your friends) and what was worse.....it had your endorsement and you seem to enjoy it! That is from your W's POV. You, on the other hand, have not seen that at all. (Typical male....guess you can't help it.)

Okay, so it's in the past. Your foot slipped....don't jump off the mountain. Now, about the birthday......who got a little sensitive about that? huh? Don't you see what is happening? Both of you are getting back into that "blame game" and not resolving the issues before they blow up out of proportion. Don't wait until another event or incident happens before all of this is drug up to go along with that.

When you came home and she did not want to talk.....that is very, very female (and guess she can't help that either). However, if you have a very good sense of humor and can be fun and playful and pick/tease at her until she comes around and out of that dark mood......that is the way to go! Of course, if that is not either one's personality, it doesn't work too good and it's best to leave her along until she gets out of the mood. Just go along and act "as if".

I see the biggest problem is the communication. I believe you both want the same thing.....to make the M work. But the communication is getting crossed up. I think if you could find some type of mentor type person that could teach you both how to "talk" to each other and get what each other is really saying.....your M problems would almost solve itself! Communication problems seems to be the biggest stumbling block in M's today. Men and women can't understand each other!

Anyway, sweetie, you know I am still in your corner. Just wanted to remind you how careful you have to be about some things. I did kind of laugh when I read about the early night experience......made me think of me and my H. He would take forever getting all ready (shower, shave, good smelling stuff) and by the time he finally got to bed....I was ready for only sleep. (lol) Our timing has always been off. So, next time, take a quick shower and get in there!

Stay positive!

Sandi