Mishka's- new thread/new tude - H who?

[mishka422]

Ok, so is it wrong that when I saw my H tonight (for the first time on over 3 weeks) he looked really sad and sorry to have to leave and that made me feel better? That seems really terrible to me. I guess it might have just been a bit of a relief to realize that he is not having a wonderful, happy new life without me in it. I have all these horrible visions in my head of H and OW together just whooping it up and laughing at me for being such a loser. I was glad to see that he looked fairly miserable. That's just awful of me, isn't it?

H starts back on night shift tomorrow so he won't be spending much time with S13, not as if he has been anyway. He is almost useless when he is on nights. He sleeps all day and barely makes it out of bed to get in for his shift. He'll be on this schedule for the next 4 months so it will destroy any possibility of him spending time with S13 over the Summer. I'm so sad for my son.

I told H that he needed to let me know what side jobs he had scheduled for the next month so I could have a heads up of when there is a possibility that he might be spending some time with S13. He never lets me know more than a day ahead of time when he wants to spend time with him and I can't make any plans for myself or my son because of it. My son gets highly agitated if his dad calls and wants to see him and I have made other plans and deny him the opportunity. I don't want it to seem like I'm punishing H for not asking sooner but we have lives we have to live without him in them since he chose for it to be this way. I told him tonight in no uncertain terms that it wasn't fair to me to not give me advance notice. He stopped bellyaching about it when I put it that way and agreed with me.

I had to nearly bite my tongue off to not say to him, "So, when do you plan on getting rid of me?" He was in such a darned hurry for a D and now we're just sitting here in limbo land. I don't want to bring it up for fear that it would push him into actually doing something. I don't see him being strong enough to actually come out and say that he doesn't want a D anymore even though it seems like that may be what he is thinking at times.

Ok, ramblings of an idiot obviously. I'm so tired but my brain is racing so I can't sleep. Sorry for the long, runon sentences!