Funny...this afternoon I wrote the reply about the OM and tonite when she came home we had dinner and a glass of wine. So this post is a little out of order.
She actually brought up the subject of not getting my hopes up. Something I have not heard in weeks.
We were talking about tax refunds, and the other "tax bonus" coming to everyone and what we should do with the money.
She said it was "our money" and that if we put it into the house, it would be for her benefit and not mine....something she was not comfortable with, since the plan all along has been for me to leave, eventually.
After all the good times the last few weeks, that was kind of a blow....and turned, unfortunately into a talk about the relationship and "getting my hopes up".
I think I handled it quite well though, and stuck to my guns.
I have told her all along that I would stay around as long as she let me. I would get us through this as amicably as possible and get things squared away so that she is OK, with the house and money.
After all, everything right now, and for a long time to come, is "ours". It will be a while until we get to the mine and yours, regardless of how long this all takes.
We both got a little emotional and hugged and cried. That has not happened since this all started.
So, I guess now I am finally realizing how much this can really hurt, and how confusing it can really be, and why the title of my post is "I wish I could read her mind".
How does she go all these weeks with no mention of our relationship?
How can we spend so much time together and have such good times and still not give me just a glimmer of hope??
How does she make love to me, kiss me, hold me and fall asleep in my arms, and wake up the next morning feeling bad because she thinks she is getting my hopes up???
I pray that in her her heart she is confused, and not 100% sure as she has said.
I keep telling myself that if it is going to come back, it will take time. That she will not tell me if she is feeling differently, RIGHT???
One step forward, two steps back is what it felt like today. It has only been a month and after tonite, I just can't imagine going thru this for months and months. I don't know if I have it in me.
