for better,for worse,for (what)ever

[seekpeaceofmind]

Thanks, jbly - I actually spent some time last week putting things away. I have packed most of the family pictures, all of the wedding pictures and the framed photos that I had of him around the house and my office. Because he still has access to the house, I kept some of his family photos with us together on one small area on a bookshelf with - to show that our life together is still part of my reality. I didn't want to "erase all traces". I've packed most of his stuff away for him to move out. I really think this is part of why I have been in a funk - it feels like it is making our separation more permanent.

[Jbly]

I know as I progressed more towards a live without her I left a few pictures stored away for the kids but I don't have any around the house for me to see. I do have pictures of myself, kids, and my girlfriend up around the house. My girls 6 and 8 fully understand the way things are love my girlfriend very much. Ok its really strange calling her my girlfriend, was fiance' anyway they are unhappy when they don't get to see her just as much as they miss their mom when they are away from her for any long period of time. On a slightly humorous side they explain to their mother all the things they did with my girlfriend so not sure what future issues may arise from that. Seek it gets better with time, unfortunatley you had to take a big step in packing things away. Kinda sad when you have to put part of your life in a cardboard box. Like so many of us though it was not our choice we just have to deal with it and move on. I know what you are saying though, you do fall into a funk for a while until some time passes. What are some of the things you have been doing, ie activities, anything new?

[Evie]

seek,

i feel your pain and i'm listening, i just can't offer any good advice atm.

i actually put a lot of pictures away when h moved into his new flat in feb. i felt he was moving on, i 'lost' a weekend too, as i was upset trying to accept how happy he seemed to be.

You may remember i packed up the remainder of his clothes as they were still in the wardrobe and he questioned it. Point of this is I didn't conciously think about doing it I felt it was right at the time. I have since put more pictures away, the only picture i have out now is our wedding photo.

It's a bit like a life laundry, I think it helps to de-clutter. Move the furniture around, every time i did this H noticed and commented.

More later, S2 won't leave me alone.

x evie

[seekpeaceofmind]

My GAL has been faltering in the last few weeks - it feels hard sometimes to make plans and, honestly, I'm a bit of a homebody normally so I don't necessarly want to be "on the go" a lot. I'm a true introvert. I deal with a lot of people at work and need down time to recharge. Plus, I was fixated on packing H's stuff and thinning out the clutter in the house, but depressed about it at the same time, so I got kind of stuck there for a couple of weekends.

Anyway - this is the busiest w/e I've had in ages. I am taking a training class for hospice volunteers that included all day Sat and this afternoon. I'm not sure if I am going to actually volunteer or not, but need the training first to decide. I went to a symphony performance last night w/a friend who had extra tickets and got a group of women together so we had dinner and the concert, wh was nice. (BTW - Classical music is food for your brain - learned that in a depression recovery seminar I am attending on Tues eve for 8 wks.) Tonight is church annual meeting - I go to UU services and the group of regulars is very small so everyone there now feels like a friend. So, no moping (well, not much) this w/e and time to start making plans for a good summer.

H came over yesterday to "see the dogs" and get some stuff. He called on Fri to see if it wld be ok so I told him I would be at training. I left him a note that explained what I expected him to take and what he has to clear out so that I don't have to deal with it and that he needs to schedule with me what day he is going to do the "big move." (He will need to come with a truck.) I don't intend to be here for that. He left me a note that thanked me for getting his stuff organized and said it was thoughtful. Idiot.

But - maybe I'm the idiot - I have this hope that this action of separating our stuff into "yours/mine" and seeing our house getting "staged" for sale will be some kind of wake up call for him, even tho I have no reason to think he is at all sentimental or still tied to me/our home. This is his 3rd time around and he walked out of the previous 2 M w/ virtually nothing each time. There is a few boxes worth of stuff he has kept each time that he just keeps schlepping from one place to another. I am giving him more of our "mutual" things than he got out of the last 2.

[seekpeaceofmind]

In the hospice class yesterday, there was a little talk on bereavement. The speaker said that it is (can be) a trauma and that when people suffer trauma they focus on wanting things to be the way they were "pre-event" - but, of course, they can't be b/c the world is no longer the same. I wonder if this is why I am stuck here - I would never be so dramatic as to call my sitch traumatic, but yet I am still in the place where I want "my life back" and I am just not able to embrace the present. Some people will talk about at least having times when they enjoy aspects of being single or just life as it is. I'm not there. It's been 7 mos of sep and I still find no satisfaction in my new lifestyle. Anything of the GAL things that I do are things th I cld do as a married person. I did do pretty much what I wanted - there isn't anything that I want th I need to be single to do. Meanwhile I still wake up every day with a sense of loss.

I read "what about the big stuff" and it was much more useful than I thought it wld be. One section is "surrender to your lack of control" and this quote is from th part:
". . .it's ironic. The predicament of facing an uncertain future and an insecure world is best dealt with by surrendering to our lack of control. . . . If getting what we want - the things, responses, outcomes, and all the rest - is essential to our peace of mind, we will never experience true or lasting peace."

I understand this, but putting it into action and, more importantly, into my thoughts is slow going for me. Maybe I really am a very controlling person. . . .

[Evie]

seek, I replied to you the other day and then hit the wrong button and lost everything.

I hear you on your recent post, this is absolutely where I am and I don't think you are controlling.

I'm not very good at verbalising my emotions, but what you write is helping me tremdously.

It is a trauma we are facing, unlike a death which is final, we face an uncertain future that presently we have no/little control over, you and i know both know we want our H's - for better/worse, if we didn't we could draw a line under everything and say enough is enough, i can't go on like this.

I'm a homebody to and could have had as much freedom as I wanted, but i preferred to spend time in the house and like you i have a busy job, where i mix with people all day, in my down time I like to be quiet too. Don't beat yourself up about this.

I have BF, her and her h are opposites too, she is very sociable and her h is very quiet, they draw a compromise and make sure they have some time together every day. They are also luck to have a supportive mom who looks after her kids so they can get away for 1 week every year on their own.

I wanted to mention that any changes in the house that i made, ie I moved teh furniture around and put away some pictures, H noticed it, he commented and I'm not sure if he liked the changes or not, I think he wanted things to stay the same for some reason.

Also when he moved into his new flat in Feb and I bagged up some of his clothes, he seemed upset about this as well and made the comment - 'do you want me to clear the loft, garage and shed too?'

I think a plan would be to maybe sit still for a while. You and H are not going backwards, so thats good. Put his stuff away if that makes you able to cope, I did this and it did help. Although I have to say that not once have i slept on his side of the bed and the bolster pillows are still in the same place in the morning as they were when i got into bed.

I'm not good at saying what i mean, but I think you are doing well.

((((Seek))))

[seekpeaceofmind]

((evie))) - I'm glad you can relate to what I say. It really helps to feel understood and also to know that others have the same responses to things.

Actually, I contacted the realtor yesterday and have an appointment for tomorrow to talk about getting the house on the market. I notified H and he said he will be there. In some ways I really want to move, if I can find the right place, b/c I think my life will be easier if I am closer to work. However, I HATE the process of moving and under the circumstances it is more stressful.

One of the things I was thinking about this morning is that my adjustment is hard in part b/c I'm really not that happy about other parts of my life - there isn't much to offset the sadness of a failed M and, to be honest, the solitariness of being single. I don't enjoy my job - but I'm not likely to find another one for a while, so I need to adjust my attitude and focus on the good in it. At least I don't actively hate coming to work anymore. I have been doing the GAL things like looking into volunteering w/ hospice, walking with a friend at lunchtime, getting more involved with my church and spirituality, etc. It's not adding up to fulfillment, but maybe in time it will. It's not like I was looking to M for fulfillment - just that it made life nicer . . . usually. But, I was looking for more out of life before this all happened - just lazy about doing anything about it.

[seekpeaceofmind]

We met with the realtor today. We were here alone for a few minutes before she got here. I decided that I didn't want to perpetuate the total lack of communication betw us, so I asked if he had any comments or concerns that he wanted me to be aware of abt the process. He said that he was going to ask me that and tried to turn the question back around to me. This is something he does routinely, so I wouldn't allow it and said I asked him 1st. He wanted to know what I want out of the house (in terms of the equity), but I didn't really answer him. I plan to draw up a property agreement, but I'm not quite there yet. Then, he said that this step of selling the house must mean that I was ready to move forward and that he was ready to move forward, too. For some stupid reason, I was not prepared to hear that today. I wasn't prepared to talk about anything but the house/property. I froze. I just responded that all I was doing was trying to get the house on the market. He said, ok, we can take it one step at a time.

I wish I could find my acceptance of how things are, but I just can't. I can't truthfully say, OK, I let you go and I will be fine no matter what. I will be fine - that's not the part I struggle with. It's the letting go - I understand that, when you actually let go, it changes the dynamics of the sitch, but understanding it and feeling/acting on it seem to be two different things for me. I think I want to let go, but what's holding me back?

[newnamenewlife]

Seek,
I completely relate to the things you're saying. My H still lives at home, but is hellbent on S. Anytime he brings it up, talks about going to a mediator or anything, I freeze. I want to let go, but it is sloow going. I don't know if we can will it to happen. We can make it look like we're letting go by doing the various DB things, but I think the feeling must happen in its own time. I'm not there yet either, but we will get there!

[seekpeaceofmind]

I do feel good that I was able to respond calmly and neutrally. I wasn't weepy or angry, just matter of fact. He's used to me snapping his head off, so improvement. . .

I don't know if we can will it to happen. We can make it look like we're letting go by doing the various DB things, but I think the feeling must happen in its own time. I'm not there yet either, but we will get there!

What I really want for myself is to embrace the change in my life, but it just has too many negative connotations for that to work for me. You're right that the feelings shift in their own time, but I want to help them along. . . . I guess I feel like I've been in the same place too long, and this isn't even a race that I want to win!