Help Me Act AS IF, Part 5

[peacetoday]

LMG
I dont know
too much about L and mediaters yet
you stalling a little is probably a good idea and maybe seek a l for you..they do consultations for 200-350 hr and I did get a lot of info when I went
your H sounds like if he could only get it all over, he would feel better
I think they equate their MLC pain to the M and that is the pressure for them to get out
I dont really think it is about us b/c my H has been out Seperated for almost a year and bomb 15 months
hes been running trips, spending, avoiding and playing
he still looks unhappy, gained 25# so nothing works to relieve their pain.
peace

[cw68]

LMG, as long as you are passive-aggressive too nothing good will happen, just as it didn't when your H was. Trust me, I know as we were in similar sitches.

My advice to you is to accept this to a point. I went on-line and looked at what a separation agreement looked like. I researched all the different aspects to it and wrote down a ton of questions for the two of us to go through regarding finances, what would happen if one violated agreed upon terms, whether either of us could take the kids out of town, whether or not we should get a divorce account's advice, etc. This avoided us having to do it legally and we still aren't legally separated. My H was going, it was plain as day, just like it is at your house. Wrong, perhaps, but inevitable.

Four months later we still aren't legally separated and things are changing, they are getting better. Whether or not they get better enough to make him come home, we'll see. Regardless, it gave us time and the basis to work together and our kids are benefiting from it. From a practical standpoint, I am benefiting from it, too. We'll still need a six-month mandatory separation should we divorce and this is making my spousal support longer. His 401k has been growing, the same with our other investments.

Only you can decide your next move, but making a move will make you feel better even if it's not the move you want.

[newnamenewlife]

I guess it's just pissing me off that he is forcing me to take an active role before he leaves. Just like he wouldn't tell me what was wrong or why he was so distant for a year until I finally pulled it out of him. It feels like more cowardice on his part. Now he seems to be blaming me for his inability to leave because he won't leave until I agree to do collaborative law with him.

[cw68]

It is unfair, without a doubt. I, too, asked my H what was wrong for about a year, told him that I was kind of jealous that his friends got to see the fun H when we never got to go out, etc.

It's in your best interest to get past this point. Hard, yes. It took me six months, at least. But since we've been separated for this past three and a half months, I've come quite a ways and feel so much better than I did the previous year before that.

[Grace_O]

lmg,

How do you think it would play if you went to the mediator or collaborative L with your H? I know you've let him know this isn't what you want, but would it hurt to listen to what they had to say? I might say (to H) before hand that I would listen, but that it still isn't what I want and I won't help. It might depend on how much you've said this to him though. I would make a point of saying I'd be willing to listen, just b/c I wouldn't want him thinking my going was a message that I was "on board" with it.

If you do go, I'd listen carefully and then (depending on sitch) possibly put out there that you consider this a "breach of contract" (as you thought you'd be married for life) and as such he'll have to buy out your contract. If you don't have any idea what you'd be asking for, it might be a good time to consider this. I'm sure others will have valuable insights, but like any negotiation, have your bottom line in place (that doesn't mean you start there....).

I don't think it would be a bad idea to get as much info as you can first. Do any of the L's in your area give free consults? Just a thought...


HUGS

[fandgmom]

I think your H is "stuck", for lack of a better word. Something has to change in your sitch, it cannot just continue like it is. You guys are getting nowhere fast. Only making your H more adamant about his decision.

Here are my words of advice - and they are only my opinion on how I see things - so just take what you will from them and please do not take anything personally. Again, it is only my point of view. I am not an expert but I felt that I had to share my feelings with you.

I feel that if you want any chance at reconciling with your H, you guys need to separate. Do you have to agree with his reasons for wanting to move out? No, but you do need to accept it and let him go. Right now it seems that you are mentally forcing him to stay and you are constantly, constantly hurting yourself in the process. Please stop making the excuse about what is best for the kids! As I said, if you want any chance at making things work, you need to LET GO. Remember the saying "if you love something, set it free, if it comes back, it is yours"

Whatever is meant to be, will be. You need to start viewing your entire situation in that manner. I think with your H staying at home, it is only making your situation worse, for both of you. You keep putting off the inevitable, in the hopes of what?

You have to do something different because what you have been doing for the past however many months is NOT working.

Your H needs to see a strong woman in you. He needs to see a different side of you than he is used to seeing. Gosh, I am not saying this doesn't hurt and that you should be made of steel, trust me, I know, I've been there. But you need to show him some confidence and strength and that you CAN live without him.

((HUGS))

[newnamenewlife]

I know I do need to let him go. I haven't actually been forcing him to stay, though. Several times I have told him that if he's so eager to leave, he should go live with his parents, 12 miles away. He responds to that by saying it would be inconvenient in terms of seeing the kids. Well, tough! That's not my problem. I haven't stopped him from finding an apt either. He's been stalling, and what irks me now (as I believe I have mentioned 80 or 90 times!) is that he's kind of tossing the ball in my court, saying if I don't go to a L or mediator with him, he can't move out. WHY? The few people I know who are S dealt with the basics between themselves and later went to a L for a D.

Plus, from all that I've read here about how to DB, you're not supposed to be an active, willing participant in the S or D.

I was being very strong, very good at DBing, very GAL and all that and I guess I've hit the wall again. Friends and family seem so shocked by what my H is doing, given what they've known of us, and they all say it's MLC, a phase, that he'll snap out of it--so then I think of course he will.

All my friends keep telling me how impressed they are with how well I'm handling this, that they'd fall apart, etc. I do fall apart, and I share my most neurotic thoughts/behaviors/struggles here--so that's the side the board sees mostly.

In fact, I have been a lot stronger and more self-reliant in many little ways. H noticed that I took the initiative and drove out to see a friend's new apt yesterday. I am not a second-nature driver at all (grew up in a city, no car) and normally I'd have waited til H was around to drive there since I'd never been to that area. I was also in the car with him recently and I insisted on filling the gas tank--which he always does. Is this enough to get him to come back to me, though? I doubt it.

[newnamenewlife]

Today I forced myself to call a L whose name a friend gave me. I didn't actually set up an appt, but now I have the info. It was a big step for me. I emailed H and told him I'd called the L and was trying to be cooperative with the S. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I felt a sense of relief at having made some slight move, but now I'm back to feeling profoundly awful and lonely again. I am slowly dropping the rope, but as it drops it is giving me rope burns. It is just so hard to accept that my H has no interest in being with me at all. We used to be joined at the hip, in our own little world, and each other's favorite person. I am still so mystified. Even if I must accept that this IS, I still don't really understand how our R took such a drastic turn.

[seekpeaceofmind]

Well - I guess that acceptance of reality doesn't necessarily equate to understanding of why it is real. But, congratulations on taking some steps - they are a detour from your planned route, but it might feel good on one level to get moving. I can relate to your reluctance, but also know that sometimes you have to do something hard for your overall health. A number of medical analogies come to mind - like, amputating the toe to save the foot. . . .

It's great that you are finding your inner strength and self-reliance. You might hate the reason, but still appreciate what you have learned about yourself.

[newnamenewlife]

H thanked me for calling a L, then said he knows it's hard. This morning he was pratically giddy with relief, it seemed, so then he was being more relaxed and present and playful with me and then he seems like the old him and we start interacting like the old us (in a good way) and then I get confused again about why he wants to leave our M and why he won't miss me. I played it very cool, though--did not say anything about that stuff at all.

We were in the car driving the kids to school, cracking jokes as we do and I could see H looking over at me to see if I was laughing at his jokes. I tried to stay cool, again, but it's those little things that get me, since our shared sense of humor was one of the major things that brought us together in the first place. H talks about how he loved that I got his sense of humor, and now it seems he still looks for my approval in that area.

It just feels so wrong to be calling a L when we interact like that. It feels totally crazy, yet I guess I have to somehow follow through with it.