The other night when she sat chatting for hours with another guy I told her again that dating other guys before we were divorced was completely unacceptable, even if it was in cyberspace. Of course she told me that since she was divorcing me it was none of my business and I should bugger off. She's not my W anymore and I have no claim over her and that is that.
So what did you DO about that? You laid out a supposed "boundary" for her, and yet there was no consequence for her violating it. That makes it not a boundary at all; more like a "wish", as in "I wish you wouldn't . . . "
What am I supposed to do? Tell her to move out? She'll refuse to go without the kids. The judge will have to decide who gets the kids. Tell her I'll move out? She'll say HALLELUYA! Thats exactly what she wants. Scream and shout? Doesn't work, it makes matters worse. I did not scream or shout but I did start a sort of subdued argument, and that ended bad enough.
I must just say, I think I did not present the facts very well. Her EA ended after I contacted the guy. The chap she had the chat with the other night as been there all along, frome her Myspace days but she never connected much to him. The other night was the first time I am aware of that she had such a long talk with him. I called it "Dating" because even if you are not involved yet it seems that the aim of it is to find someone to get involved with. Like going on a date with someone you do not know very well in order to see if it could lead somewhere.
Kolle,
You can characterize her chat however you wish, and only YOU can decide what bothers you and what doesn't, and what your "dealbreakers" and boundaries are. We can only go by what you tell us here on the message board, and as I read ALL of your posts, I see several of your wife's behaviors that are clearly bothering you, to the point that they violate your personal integrity.
No one can tell you where to draw your boundaries. We each have our own. But ONCE DRAWN, you absolutely have to enforce them. It's like a child with a bedtime -- it can be 8, or 8:30, or 9 or whatever, but WHATEVER it is, if you set it, and don't enforce it, you've now got a problem.
What can you do about it? It depends on the boundary. If it's "no cellphone calls to OM from inside our home," then the next time she is doing it, you walk in on her (amazingly, some betrayed spouses actually GIVE THEIR WAYWARD SPOUSE PRIVACY in which to conduct these calls!) and say "If that's your boyfriend, that that's incredibly disrespectful to have this conversation from inside our house. Please take that outside from now on."
If it's "no texting OM from a cellphone that we're paying for with family funds," and she continues to do so, then cut off the phone and make her pay for her own.
If it's "no chatting with other men on MySpace," and she does it, then there are all sorts of things you can do with the computer to not enable that behavior.
Usually, such harsh actions aren't even needed, at least not more than ONCE. The mere firm communication of the boundary, with conviction, is enough.
What can you do about it? It depends on the boundary. If it's "no cellphone calls to OM from inside our home," then the next time she is doing it, you walk in on her (amazingly, some betrayed spouses actually GIVE THEIR WAYWARD SPOUSE PRIVACY in which to conduct these calls!) and say "If that's your boyfriend, that that's incredibly disrespectful to have this conversation from inside our house. Please take that outside from now on."
If it's "no texting OM from a cellphone that we're paying for with family funds," and she continues to do so, then cut off the phone and make her pay for her own.
If it's "no chatting with other men on MySpace," and she does it, then there are all sorts of things you can do with the computer to not enable that behavior.
Usually, such harsh actions aren't even needed, at least not more than ONCE. The mere firm communication of the boundary, with conviction, is enough.
Puppy
Hi Pups.
I absolutely love this idea.
The only problem is she is an adult and not a kid. When my kids misbehave I remove their computer's power chord, or I lock up the playstation.
I feel this has the potential to backfire in a MAJOR way if I handle her the way I handle my kids. I know much of what she does is infantile, but I would not want to treat her like an infant.
I would definitely resent her if she treated me that way.
Is there a way to communicate it without making her feel like I am treating her like a kid? Any ideas?
Kolle
Me 43 W 42 M 1998 S16 S15 D7 D4 bomb 07/03/2007 OPA ILYBNILWY My Thread
What can you do about it? It depends on the boundary. If it's "no cellphone calls to OM from inside our home," then the next time she is doing it, you walk in on her (amazingly, some betrayed spouses actually GIVE THEIR WAYWARD SPOUSE PRIVACY in which to conduct these calls!) and say "If that's your boyfriend, that that's incredibly disrespectful to have this conversation from inside our house. Please take that outside from now on."
If it's "no texting OM from a cellphone that we're paying for with family funds," and she continues to do so, then cut off the phone and make her pay for her own.
If it's "no chatting with other men on MySpace," and she does it, then there are all sorts of things you can do with the computer to not enable that behavior.
Usually, such harsh actions aren't even needed, at least not more than ONCE. The mere firm communication of the boundary, with conviction, is enough.
Puppy
Hi Pups.
I absolutely love this idea.
The only problem is she is an adult and not a kid. When my kids misbehave I remove their computer's power chord, or I lock up the playstation.
I feel this has the potential to backfire in a MAJOR way if I handle her the way I handle my kids. I know much of what she does is infantile, but I would not want to treat her like an infant.
I would definitely resent her if she treated me that way.
Is there a way to communicate it without making her feel like I am treating her like a kid? Any ideas?
Kolle
Sure. Simply say "I'm sorry to treat you like a child, that was not my intent. But I've asked you nicely and repeatedly to respect my boundary, and you haven't. I'm going for a run, I won't be long" (or whatever)
The focus needs to be on HER behavior and deceit, and not on what YOU finally chose to do about it.
If the boundary is "no chatting with men form the family PC", should I only enforce it if she does it in a way that I can become aware of it without snooping or should I snoop? You know by now how I feel about that. How would I know what she is doing on her mobile phone without MAJOR high-tech snooping?
My other problem is: One of her main allegations against me is that I try to "control" her. It is completely untrue, but won't it just fuel her fantasy that I am a control freak?
Kolle
Me 43 W 42 M 1998 S16 S15 D7 D4 bomb 07/03/2007 OPA ILYBNILWY My Thread
Does it bother you if she does it, only you don't know about it? Does it violate your personal integrity? Or only if it's done in front of you?
We are all different. Personally, I could not abide my wife carrying on an affair from inside of our home, whether it was done in front of my face or hidden, and I would take steps to verify if it were being done, and then I would act accordingly.
Unfortunately, yes, much of that is considering "anti-DB." Other posters got banned back in February and March for even stating such things, but I'm only advocating what worked for me in my sitch. Everyone has to make up their own minds about things like exposure, "tough love," boundaries, etc.
Puppy
Oh, yikes! Okay. I better read the book first before I suggest what comes natural to me. Yeah, that's really been working good for me, huh? lol
I can see that I have a long way to go. I don't let people walk on my dignity or disrespect me, especially when it affects my children. So much of it sounds like enabling to me. I'm not sure DBing is for me, then. I'd rather walk away with healthy self-respect and my children's respect than to let my H do things that are detrimental to this family and that bring out adverse reactions in me.
I guess I should just read and not post. lol I have a lot to learn. Although, I'm not sure I want to "unlearn" maintaining my dignity. Then again, cleaning the toilet with my H's toothbrush when he was cheating on me wasn't very dignified, huh? :-) Oy, I've got so far to go! Okay, off to find a copy of the book!
Good luck, Kolle. Looks like you are getting sound advice here.
Actually, if you read the books, they make a lot of sense. I think the Board -- and maybe one of the moderators -- have actually gotten "to the left" of MWD on some issues, and many of the posters here have even gotten to the left of THAT. Because if you read the books, they're full of a lot of commonsense wisdom and they do allow for healthy boundary-setting.
All I can say is that in all the time I snooped on her things only got worse, so there is no point for me in doing "more of the same".
I decided in high school after a failed romance that I would never sacrifice my dignity again. But guess what, when my W had her OA I raged and regressed to such a point that there was little dignity left.
I think it all depends on how you define your dignity. If you are raped, you may think that your dignity is violated. But you do not need to see it that way. It is actually the perpetrator who destroyed his own dignity.
NOBODY can take away my dignity and integrity unless I allow it.
I have decided that to regain my dignity I need to love unconditionally, not rage and regress. And that does not depend on what my W does or does not do.
When my W oversteps my boundaries she destroys her own dignity. How I react to it defines mine. Yes it may mean that I take some "punitive action", it may also mean that in a certain situation I do exactly the opposite, or in fact, nothing. Turn the other cheek, walk the extra mile, give your overcoat and your under coat too. In today's culture it means sacrificing your dignity. In God's eyes it may be the only dignified thing to do.
This does not mean I condone or deny what the other she does, I still reject and condemn it in the strongest terms, and she should know it.
I just choose to react to it in a certain way.
Me 43 W 42 M 1998 S16 S15 D7 D4 bomb 07/03/2007 OPA ILYBNILWY My Thread
puppy, just to add to what you said about the "banned" posters. it was not for tough love. it was there attitude, which was caustic to say the least. nothing wrong with boundaries. i have set some from day one. wife knows them , she knows i will back up what i say also. it was not done it anger. just firm no nonsense terms
m-54 w-44 children-4 bomb-sept 21 2007 t-21 m-20yrs bomb-sept 23 2007 divorced but not giving up hope, not yethttp://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...rue#post1224023
