~ I feel like I should delete the previous post .. I feel so foolish .. I feel like an idiot.
I forgot what a good actor he is.



He got out of the shower yesterday and said to me very seriously..."You know all the talks we had while I was in Mexico on the phone... it is really sad cause you are not doing anything...."

And I though for a moment "WTF?"

He added.... " and dont ask me what I mean..."

So I replied .." ok I wont ask." as I swallowed this huge knot in my throat.....


Childish ..... I feel like but what the h*ll.....
I guess I am supposed to see it clear as a Bell....
* I bet he wanted me to take a shower with him and seduce him*

only thing I can figure out is our SL...

after he said that I ML to him and then this morning to..... he was "resisting" this morning and then he gave in.
So all this time he has been acting like he doesnt want sex?
I dunno?
I am supposed to somehow figure this out on my own????
Am I supposed to seduce him daily even when he says no?
Am I supposed to take him even if he says no?
As much as I am all for self validation it is real hard to play his game.. funny he says I like to play games.....

I feel so frustrated and confused....

all this time he has been acting?

?

Mind you he didnt say it like an A** ..but more like he is really hurt by me.


I also came to this conclusion as I have been racking my brain... he decided to becoem and inconsiderate a**H*le @ 10 years ago and really never see me or feel me or love me * in my mind* .... his behavior spoke volumes... and so now it is as if he sees me and wnats me to desire him and I feel liek we have been together a long time for I was present and it seems he wants it to be alwasy like when you are First dating...
like now he is ready for it and I was ready long ago...


I dunno this is very confusing and a lot harder than I thought...

I thought it felt too good to be true but I was not looking deep enough.

I also found out recently that for sure @ 7 years ago he was cheating on me a lot... when my good friend told me it suprisingly still hurt a lot. spected it back then but he would deny it up and down... and I unfortunately know it to be true because she is sister to his best friend.....

It felt mlike someone pucnched me and they enjoyed it.

I am all for seducing him daily but I feel like I am trying to feel a BLACK HOLE.

I am very affectionate.... I take care of him.....
UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH I guess he wants me to always want him in betweem my legs........ I dunno what he needs? I know he needs me to show passion but I am not always hott or in the mood I am human..... UUUGGHHH!!!!!? HHHHHHEEEEEEELLLLLLPPPPPP!
I honestly feel like he has unrealistic expectations...... How can I love him more? How can he ever feel my love when it seems he has none for himself if he cannot feel my love?

I am quite sure I make no sense in this post but any help is TRULY welcome.....



I dunno I feel confused...
God bless.....