~Ok so things are running along just beautifully and then yesterday my record screeched ...just like in the Movies. And I thought for a second oh SH*T here it comes the dreaded ugly I knew would come when things were going so well.
He got out of the shower and said to me very seriously... " You know all the talks we had when we were on the phone when I was in Mexico.... it makes me sad cause you are not doing anything...."
I thought "WTF?" And then he added "and dont ask me what I mean"
So I swallowed the big knot in my throat and replied... "OK I WILL NOT ASK YOU THEN."
I sat there for a minute and felt dread.....
~What does this mean ?
I am looking at my behavior and the only thing I can figure is I am not ML to him enough or maybe touching him enough?
It is hard to explain ,, but it is as if he put the R on pause when he became and inconsiderate a**h*le @ 10 years ago and now wants us to act like boyfriend and girlfriend and I have been in tiis for the whole way and I feel good now.
So back to the drawing board and yet I wanna just lift him up and shake it out of him... sometimes I feel like he acts like a little kid and sometimes I feel like I am filling an empty bucket that never gets full... like there is a crack in the seam. A crack he doesnt want to help fill.
I ML to him last nite and then again this morning and made him breakfast and was upbeat and loving..........
I still feel like I cannot see what it is I am not doing........ I feel frustrated
I also recently found out for sure he was cheating on me a lot about 7 years ago and I have not said anything to him.... Forgive and LOve him and yet I dunno it did sting it felt like somoene punched me in the stomach when she told me....... I always suspected but she just confirmed it...
I dunno I want to please him and I am willing to keep on and yet I know I cannot fill an empty tank the rest of my Life... and he pretends too much evrything is ok with him and doesnt tell me stuff until it seems too late. I feel like he will act and act until he gets to where he did 2 years ago.... I am doing my best and I am actively trying. If he doesnt love himself yet and it is just an act I know this may fail one day......
babling and frustrated Happy but sad too. He left very Happy for work...................? I just found my DR book yesterday while cleaning out a closet... I should open it up or invest in SSM.... cause I think that is his issue......
