Opinion from experienced DBers requested

[GH31]

Hi guys, I would very much appreciate the feedback of experienced DBers, especially those who have survived infidelity and separation together.

My other threads thus far:
Thread 1
Thread 2

I would like to know if my W's behaviour is typical of those having As, and if this is a situation that would fizzle within 6 months as per DR. She left me in January due to my verbal abuse and cruel temper and I have been DBing ever since. She is constantly talking about us reconciling and getting back together and that she is just "having a break". She is always saying "it's destiny that we will be together", "don't go with other girls GH31, what if I want to come back to you in the future?" but her actions are not consistent with it. She did break up with OM and came back to me for 9 days and nights then went back to OM to "tie up some loose ends". I also determined that she was still vacillating between me and OM.

Is my sitch an A dressed up as a separation?

Is it a separation which has morphed into an A as my application of the LRT has created doubt in her mind?

I would be very happy to hear from anyone who has been in a similar situation. She definitely doesn't want me going with other girls and hates it when I talk about my future without her in it.


My situation:
W and I are from Australia and came travelling to Germany last year for some adventure and a change of scene. Stresses of settling in made my latent anger, cruel temper, bitterness and selfishness rear their ugly heads frequently and caused my W a great deal of hurt. She left me and it was defnitely the right thing for her to do. Since then I have been doing whatever it takes to conquer my anger, bitterness and selfishness and to learn as much about marriage and her Love Language (gifts) as possible.

A brief chronology of my trauma:
22nd January 2008 - I sense that we are going to separate as W has been acting very out of character

28th January 2008 - W leaves with her things and writes me a note saying she is "in two minds" about us.

26th February 2008 - I "surprise" her at London Heathrow airport as she is returning from Australia as she told me she was staying with "friends" in the England. She had also complained that I had done nothing to "win her back". I discovered OM was at the airport waiting for her. This OM and W have had and probably continue to have a PA. She is staying/living with him and living out of her suitcases. Financial resources: credit cards.

We have maintained email contact ever since and I have had occasional visits from her to Berlin. Whilst she has not said ILY since 26.02 she has not said anything like ILYBNILWY or "we got married for all the wrong reasons" or "we should never have gotten married" etc. She has not yet asked for a divorce and has even disapproved of me researching Australian annulment and divorce procedures. In fact she has said often "I don't believe in divorce" and "we're destined to be together". Very strange behaviour. She also says that she now has a very low image of me and thinks of me a "monster" or more recently a "bastard".

11th March 2008 - W comes to visit me in Berlin for the day. I am very friendly and detached (my 180) and take her out for a date. We end up kissing passionately and cuddling lots. She says "we're destined to be together", "it's inevitable that we will get back together", "I want you to work things out with me", "I don't want you to be with any other girls but me" gets very upset that I slept with another woman (I was devasted thinking that our marriage was over permanently and made a big mistake), etc. etc. I validate all of her complaints about me in our M as she is 100% correct.

3rd April 2008 - She comes to Berlin again and stays for two nights. Lots of cuddling again and we sleep in the same bed. More fun times and she insists that she is working towards us "getting back together", saying that "it's dangerous for us to be spending all of this time apart as it makes things much harder to retrieve later". W moves lots of her things back to my apartment saying it is her "down payment" and then says she will be back the following weekend "at the latest". Instead of coming back, she flies OM for a dirty weekend to Barcelona.

12th April 2008 - I identify who OM is, his name, address and phone number through snooping.

15th/16th April 2008 - W "breaks up" with OM saying she has "got to go" and writes him a 4 page letter. Apparently he is "crushed".

16th April 2008 - W comes back home to Berlin, bringing what looks like the rest of her stuff. We then go to Estonia for 5 nights at her suggestion saying we need the time to "reconnect". I am very calm and polite throughout the holiday but it is a disaster. Huge waves of fear and resentment come back to haunt my W and she ends up wanting to leave again. I discover that she still has contact with OM through email and SMS and discover that she has still left stuff at his house and has keys to it, she basically lied through her teeth to me and I busted her.

22nd April 2008 - W tells me she "just wants to be friends" at the moment and says that our "reconciliation" was "too much, too soon". She says she is "not ready to get back together yet". Arrive back in Berlin.

23rd April 2008 - Berlin. We wake up in the morning and she is still full of fear, resentment and deep mistrust towards me. Says "If I stayed it would be because it's what you want and not what I want and that's not right". Says later that she needs to leave again to "find herself", "reflect" and "work on her feelings". She also says she wants to see a mutual friend of ours in the UK and to travel "alone" to Austria. Then she says that "she needs to determine if OM is the one, but that I think I am destined to hurt him". I caress and massage her head for 90 minutes and make her feel much much better. Later in the evening I begin to detach and be very cheerful and then W warms to me. We play pool, have fun then end up kissing passionately.

24th April 2008 - W wakes up feeling happy, I massage her and we end up making love. It's very passionate but it ends up making her scared and negative again. I find her packing her bags and it turns out she booked a flight back to OM the previous day which was to leave that day. She later changes her flight so she can help me pack everything to ship back to Australia. We pack everything then go out for a walk to the beautiful sites of Berlin. She says "we are destined to be together", "I always find my way back to you GH31" and "GH31 I want you to kiss my life better". I also hear "I'm not dating anyone at the moment" and "go and wait for me like a good husband should". End up kissing again.

25th April 2008 - She goes back to UK and to OM's house, saying that she needs to ship the things that she has there and "tie up loose ends". I lose it with her at the airport saying I feel lied to, deceived, cheated, betrayed, used, pissed and shat upon, and that her situation is "an affair dressed up as a separation". I confront her and get her to admit that she is still vacillating between me and OM. She admits she needs to take a "leap of faith" to make things work again and talks about future plans and dreams for "our" future. Also says "OM has done everything right", "has done nothing wrong" and "is a lovely man" despite saying that he offended her the previous day and that he is "not very ambitious". At the airport she tells me that on Sunday 27th April 2008 she will have reached a "final decision" on our future together after I tell her I want no contact until she knows she is 0% committed or 100% committed.

28th April 2008 - no golden word from W. She says the best she can do is see me on 12th May but sounds non-commital. I fly back to Australia to our home which we shared with her Dad. He still lives there.

29th April 2008 - W calls her Dad for the first time since A with OM began in earnest. Her Dad scolds her for not being in touch. W says she has "broken up" with OM and that she's staying with a mutual friend. Adds that she will be coming back to Australia in May 2008.

30th April 2008 - I receive one email from W saying she wishes I hadn't gone back to Sydney and that I should not move out of our apartment. She will be back after visiting a number of European cities. I later get another email saying that we can have a great life together in Munich where I was offered a job. She implores me to fly back.

2nd May 2008 - I discover through snooping that she has paid for two daytrips for her and OM to Amsterdam and Geneva.

[Sara]

What we think doesn't matter, GH. What do you think?

[GH31]

Ah hello again Sara,

What do I think? I think she is one very messed up little girl and so do her own family. I have done my best to be fair to her when telling her Dad about the situation and have been totally honest about my temper and serpent tongue.

I left her alone in Europe so she could bump into reality and received an interesting volley of SMS messages today. Will post those onto my current thread in Newcomers.

Thanks for looking out for me.

best,

GH31

[Sara]

Can't disagree with you. I listen to you take responsibility for causing the separation over and over, and wonder if you were really as mean as you say, or if you are being humble. Doesn't really matter. People can overcome adversity if they want to, or they can keep running from their past. But just as she wonders if you will really be able to change from the angry person you used to be, I wonder if she will change from the footloose fancifree spirit she has become. Worse than going through heartbreak when you are young and newly married is going through this when you are 10 years older and have 2 kids. I'm not saying people can't change, they can. But they have to really want to. They have to recognize their flaws and they have to actively fight the unwanted behavior. She is nowhere near that now.

[GH31]

Hi Sara,

Yes, I really was mean. I used to say things to her like "if you were a guy I would punch you for that", "I want you in my life darling, but I don't need you" etc... I used to use profane language all the time and blast her with the most horrible names, get angry and grab her in public, shout at her, wasn't there for her when we had two miscarriages last year and we are both left traumatised by that and the list goes on. If I look at my own behaviour and ask myself what I would think of a person who carried on like I did, I would say that they are the scum of the Earth. That was me.

Now she needs to face her own demons too, whether we have a future together or not. Otherwise, they will come to haunt her later on and will keep doing so until she either gets a grip or dies - whichever is sooner.

The reason I decided to face mine is that they brought so much pain into my life and into my wife's also. We had such a close and wonderful 8 years before I started losing my temper more frequently - every so often an angry outburst, selfish act or public scene would her hurt for a few weeks but then we would bounce back. I know that she misses our closeness, and the family life which she still considers me a part of but her brain is now hijacked by a bunch of different chemicals relating to the A and OM.

I take responsibility so that I never repeat these mistakes.