The other night when she sat chatting for hours with another guy I told her again that dating other guys before we were divorced was completely unacceptable, even if it was in cyberspace. Of course she told me that since she was divorcing me it was none of my business and I should bugger off. She's not my W anymore and I have no claim over her and that is that.
So what did you DO about that? You laid out a supposed "boundary" for her, and yet there was no consequence for her violating it. That makes it not a boundary at all; more like a "wish", as in "I wish you wouldn't . . . "
What am I supposed to do? Tell her to move out? She'll refuse to go without the kids. The judge will have to decide who gets the kids. Tell her I'll move out? She'll say HALLELUYA! Thats exactly what she wants. Scream and shout? Doesn't work, it makes matters worse. I did not scream or shout but I did start a sort of subdued argument, and that ended bad enough.
I must just say, I think I did not present the facts very well. Her EA ended after I contacted the guy. The chap she had the chat with the other night as been there all along, frome her Myspace days but she never connected much to him. The other night was the first time I am aware of that she had such a long talk with him. I called it "Dating" because even if you are not involved yet it seems that the aim of it is to find someone to get involved with. Like going on a date with someone you do not know very well in order to see if it could lead somewhere.
Kolle,
You can characterize her chat however you wish, and only YOU can decide what bothers you and what doesn't, and what your "dealbreakers" and boundaries are. We can only go by what you tell us here on the message board, and as I read ALL of your posts, I see several of your wife's behaviors that are clearly bothering you, to the point that they violate your personal integrity.
No one can tell you where to draw your boundaries. We each have our own. But ONCE DRAWN, you absolutely have to enforce them. It's like a child with a bedtime -- it can be 8, or 8:30, or 9 or whatever, but WHATEVER it is, if you set it, and don't enforce it, you've now got a problem.
What can you do about it? It depends on the boundary. If it's "no cellphone calls to OM from inside our home," then the next time she is doing it, you walk in on her (amazingly, some betrayed spouses actually GIVE THEIR WAYWARD SPOUSE PRIVACY in which to conduct these calls!) and say "If that's your boyfriend, that that's incredibly disrespectful to have this conversation from inside our house. Please take that outside from now on."
If it's "no texting OM from a cellphone that we're paying for with family funds," and she continues to do so, then cut off the phone and make her pay for her own.
If it's "no chatting with other men on MySpace," and she does it, then there are all sorts of things you can do with the computer to not enable that behavior.
Usually, such harsh actions aren't even needed, at least not more than ONCE. The mere firm communication of the boundary, with conviction, is enough.
