Internet friendships?

[kolle]

I'm sorry, Confused, but that just seems naive to me. Why would we want to provide a wayward spouse with "space," when they're cheating on us?

Hi Pups

Again you are right, except if you want to save your marriage. EVERYTHING about DBing is counter intuitive. That's why most people get it wrong on their own, I think. I definitely got it wrong in a BIG way.

When you are abandoned, the normal reaction to the trauma includes rage (you start fighting with your WAS) and "symbiotic regression" which means you become pathologically dependent on your WAS, like a baby is dependent on his mother (So you start begging, being clingy and needy, and you latch onto your WAS like an octopus.)(See my previous post on the subject)

Your WAS's reaction is "I FEEL TRAPPED. I MUST OUT" It is natural. The more you rage and regress, the faster they run to get out.

So, to "give them space" does not mean to give them a licence to adultery, it simply means you DON'T fight and you DON'T cling. Someone here called it "Loving Detachment".

God I wish I knew this a year ago...

I just don't understand this universal orthodoxy of "all snooping is bad" that I read on this forum. It seems to be the only infidelity forum where this is preached so universally.

Puppy

I expect snooping is universally bad because people are universally unable to handle it in such a way that you don't start raging and clinging. I know I am.

The other thing about snooping is that it is highly addictive, like gambling. It becomes an all consuming obsession. This I know from own bitter experience. I used to log onto Myspace and Facebook from my cellphone at all hours of the day and night to see what W was up to. Like any addiction it is destructive, you don't have energy to do anything else, and there is absolutely no question of GAL.

So, if you can snoop and keep your cool and not get addicted, I suppose you should do it.

Having said that, I am also convinced that you ABSOLUTELY need to know if your spouse is unfaithful. I may be wrong on this.

So I suppose a small amount of snooping is essential.

Do I sound confused? Maybe it is because I am...