Put a huge PMA-ful smile on my face, and keep it there.
Tell her I am sorry we had a misunderstanding, and that she is of course welcome to do whatever she wants for her birthday.
Told W I was sorry that I went on at her about her not including me in her birthay plans. That was met with silence. I told her I was just a bit annoyed, cos I felt left out. Well she replied that I went about it the wrong way. To which I agreed. Then she had a mini rant about "another birthday, another argument", caused by me. [Yes, I can see my part in all of this]. But I told her can't you see that it's a good sign that I want to be involved in your birthaday. To which she agreed. In the past I used to, well... not take much interest in W birthday as a way of getting back at her. But hey, I'm a changed man.
Well I can't say that I'm not still peed that W will be in a Health spa on her birthday instead of with me and D6, but D6 has some ideas about putting up some birthday decorations for when W gets home. Kids are great when they need to be.
Oh as it turns out now partners are invited to the party on Friday so W and I will be out with the rest of the family (some consolation then).
Hi Lan, well from a female POV......I can almost promise you that this is where it all started:
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Last night W illustrated how sensitive she can be to things I say. We were at a party for a family friend, we were just listening to the music when the DJ played "Guilty" by Barbara Striesend, and I said to W that this track if from a fantastic album, and every woman should listen to it. Well W jumped back and laid into me verbally saying that I was having a go at her for things that had happened in the past. When I asked her what she meant by this, she said me asking her to listen to an album titled "Guilty" and apparently during the previous week I made some quip to W parents that if W had her way that I would have been out of the house a long time ago. Well I assured W that I wasn't raking things up but since we haven't had closure on events and we hadn't discussed things then she was always going to be on edge reading negative things into what I say, and the only way to get past this is to discuss matters and put them to bed.
I believe this is where it started. It was all that dang song that hit home with her and your words stung her to the pit of her soul when you said something about all women should listen to this. That was uncalled for and you should have known it would hurt.....do you think you were wanting to give her that unconscious "dig"? Then you admitted that you made that statement to her folks.....again....uncalled for. I would be sensitive also! Just b/c it has not been "put to bed" does not allow you the right to do this to her. It is like you are punishing her and she won't stay around long if you continue to do that. She doesn't want your wrath. I know, you want her to do some talking and make closure, etc. But, I assure you, this is not the way to get it done!
Anyway, she still feels very guilty and is still working on that and you have to realize that she is hyper-sensitive about all that. so, you have to be very cautious of what you say. In fact, when the song came on, you should have done something to steer you and your W away from there and at least get something to drink, go outside, go to the bathroom, talk.....anything but to put her in that predicament and then you come along and make that comment. Oh Lan! (Here's your sign!)
So, it went from that night on to worse. Don't you see? That was never resolved and she kept that resentment of you submitting her to that hurt again, (instead of protecting her in front of your friends) and what was worse.....it had your endorsement and you seem to enjoy it! That is from your W's POV. You, on the other hand, have not seen that at all. (Typical male....guess you can't help it.)
Okay, so it's in the past. Your foot slipped....don't jump off the mountain. Now, about the birthday......who got a little sensitive about that? huh? Don't you see what is happening? Both of you are getting back into that "blame game" and not resolving the issues before they blow up out of proportion. Don't wait until another event or incident happens before all of this is drug up to go along with that.
When you came home and she did not want to talk.....that is very, very female (and guess she can't help that either). However, if you have a very good sense of humor and can be fun and playful and pick/tease at her until she comes around and out of that dark mood......that is the way to go! Of course, if that is not either one's personality, it doesn't work too good and it's best to leave her along until she gets out of the mood. Just go along and act "as if".
I see the biggest problem is the communication. I believe you both want the same thing.....to make the M work. But the communication is getting crossed up. I think if you could find some type of mentor type person that could teach you both how to "talk" to each other and get what each other is really saying.....your M problems would almost solve itself! Communication problems seems to be the biggest stumbling block in M's today. Men and women can't understand each other!
Anyway, sweetie, you know I am still in your corner. Just wanted to remind you how careful you have to be about some things. I did kind of laugh when I read about the early night experience......made me think of me and my H. He would take forever getting all ready (shower, shave, good smelling stuff) and by the time he finally got to bed....I was ready for only sleep. (lol) Our timing has always been off. So, next time, take a quick shower and get in there!
Stay positive!
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thanks for the pep talk, I was going to write a long post in response but it would be too hard for me to defend the indefensible. Needless to say as well as things have been going lately I do have to fight the voices in my head telling me to do the opposite to what is considered good DB especially when W behaves in a manner which shows no consideration to our sitch. But hey onwards with the good work
Oh this is one point I do want to respond to.
Originally Posted By: Sandi2
I see the biggest problem is the communication. I believe you both want the same thing.....to make the M work. But the communication is getting crossed up. I think if you could find some type of mentor type person that could teach you both how to "talk" to each other and get what each other is really saying.....your M problems would almost solve itself!
It's think its blindingly obvious that this is our problem, but W doesn't want to talk, that is to me or any secondary party. Anything which resembles formal or R talks then W clams up. Hence my frustration, but I've found pushing it does me no good Anyway I've got quotes from Rob and FG ringing around in my head so I do know the way forward, I do know the drill.
On a positive note D6 and I have decorated our big kitchen birthday style for W (the kitchen is W's sanctuary, ballons, banners and streamers around the wall. The breakfast bar is decked you with, party popper, confetti and W cards and presents are laid out, with champagne glasses ready for her when she gets home. I'll get home after her so I think it will be a nice surprise for her when she gets in. (Remember I always used to ruin her birthday, not any more )
If she's been a good girl I'll get the massage oils out again.
Lan, sweetie, I didn't mean to sound so hard on you. I just know how badly those "jabs" can hurt and I also can see her POV about not being ready to talk about the R. It has been a year and my H and I have talked to some extent, but we have not talked in detail or at much length, but it has been methis time instead of him that doesn't want to talk. I don't know how to explain it except that it is hard to talk about what happened between us without dragging up past resentments and then that leads to the OM. As I've said before, to talk about the OM causes me to have to go back in my mind and remember how I felt, etc. It is keeping OM alive in a fantasy that I am trying hard to forget. I don't know if this has anything to do with why your W doesn't want to talk about the R or not.....it could be that it is just so painful and she feels so guilty and ashamed and all the other horrible feelings that nobody wants to feel! You believe that the M problems can't be healed until certain issues are resolved by talking, while she doesn't want to go through that agony and wants to put it all behind her. Every time you say something (that you regret later) that digs at her.....it causes her to feel that shame all over again. Can you try to understand just a little bit of that? I'm not saying what she did is justified...never! I'm just trying to get you to see how she is feeling now. Even though she has come back home and you are trying to work the M out.....she needs you to validate her feelings more than you ever have in your life! She needs assured of your love more than ever before. She needs your support and protectiveness more than ever before. I think by now you get the picture. She has not healed, sweetie, and neither have you. That is why coming to piecing is harder than most people think b/c there is a lot of hard work that just begins! You've got to continue to work your butt off DBing. Remember those changes of self improvement were for you and not her and that they were to be for life with or without her? Don't stop now that she is back home. That would be disastrous.
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It's think its blindingly obvious that this is our problem, but W doesn't want to talk, that is to me or any secondary party. Anything which resembles formal or R talks then W clams up. Hence my frustration, but I've found pushing it does me no good
If anyone can understand your frustration, I certainly can. Except in my M, it was always me that wanted to talk about R and not my H.....up until OM trouble. He still doesn't really want to talk about it. But our poor communication is why we had so many problems to start with. That is why I don't want to see you two end up like we did. You have too much going for you....and it's not much fun from where I sit.
I think I understand what you meant by this statement, but I'm not quite sure.
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I was going to write a long post in response but it would be too hard for me to defend the indefensible.
Does that mean you feel indefensive or that I would not accept your defense? (lol) Come on, you know I love ya! At least I would try real hard to understand. I just write to you from the female's POV b/c you've got all these men around here giving you adice that I have to balance things out for you.
The birthday party was a great idea. Getting the kids involved helps take the edge off of any tension between you and W. Makes it easier to get past that other stuff (hopefully). I hope you can start tomorrow off with a fresh beginning and determination to DB the rest of your life b/c I have decided that is what a successful M is all about.
Take care sweetie. You know I still care.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Also I can assure you that I wasn't having any digs at W at the party but subconciously maybe I am cos I don't see any change or modification in W behaviour. OK so thats my daily (hourly) battle that I have to fight. Yes I know I can't control her behaviour but I can control mine. (Yep I know the deal).
D6 and I have got the kitchen (W's sanctuary)all decked out ready for her, but D6 expressed her dis appointment that W wasn't here to see it first thing in the morning, but I picked up my PMA when D6 worked out her plan how to surprise mummy when she gets home. (Kids are great when you need them to be).
So hopfully we'll have a great evening when W gets home from the health spa.
Well, it happens to the best of us Lan. Don't beat yourself up for what's been done and just try to make the most of things....like you have with the birthday. I am so proud of how you stepped up the PMA for the kid's sake, especially, but also by not giving up. Remember that you have worked hard on Lan, but W has not worked on herself. You were the one that came here to us on the board and got the DB book and rec'd the tools you needed, but she hasn't. I had to be reminded of that for my own stitch b/c nothing much has changed in my H, but I don't really expect him to now. He is being good to me and understanding toward my physical problems and pain, so for that I can be very thankful. He isn't demanding about anything, and that says an awful lot for a man that use to act mad if I missed a church service b/c I didn't feel well! He has been very patient with me and I could not ask for anymore than what he has shown. He has not pushed the physical contact and waits for me to make the first move....but I can understand why. I asked for him to back off when he was smothering me and he did. I have been in this "place" ....so to speak....for a while and maybe some day I can make further progress. For now, we seem to feel at peace, and at our age that is important.....you will understand that better when you are older (lol).
Anyway, I know I keep saying the same thing to you, but she has got to have time to work on herself and work things out in her mind and emotions and heart/soul.....all of that. She has done the right thing by coming home and I think she is trying to continue to do the right thing, but she may be wanting her emotions to hurry up and catch up. Many people use that term how love is a decision.....but that is not so easy when the heart is pulling in different directions from what your head is telling you. She is trying to make those decisions to love her H, I think. This may not be helping your feelings b/c you want to hear that her heart is full of desire and love for you and nothing else is distracting her thoughts. Someday, she will be there, Lan, if you keep working and improving yourself. If she can get through this period that she must work through herself....she will heal and be ready to be complete for only you again. I wish that every person could get over these things in a matter of a few weeks and get back on board with their M and pick up with their lives and move forward, but it just isn't that simple. I'm not telling you anything you haven't learned......just want you to know that you aren't alone.
Time is something none of us have much patient with. But, that is the key to a successful completion of the reconciliation of your M. You have been so strong in all of this. You are the one that has made it happen. You have kept the family from falling apart forever. That says that you are quite a man and you will inspire others here on the board not to give up in their stitch b/c you will see that love,time, and patient will work for you.
Take care.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
W's response was downbeat, reserved, subdued, and understated. I made more of an effort this year than ever. If she was impressed she didn't show it,
W: Why decorate the kitchen ?
Me: This is you place you sactuary, your room, We always spend time in here. We (D6 & I) just thought we would make it nice for you on your birthday.
W: Oh, oh, now I see what you were trying to do.
Anyway later we went for drink with MIL & FIL that went ok, but at the end of the evening I did something that irritated W (Metal note, breaking wind is no longer an option).
Bedtime we shared a glass of champagne, at lights out I tried to give W a "birthday special" she told me to get off and go to sleep, she didn't seem in the mood.
However,in the morning, I was woken by "Freaky Girl" and she put a smile on my face that's lasted until now.
If I summarize, W's head was somewhere else on her birthday, but whatever she was thinking about seems to have stopped troubling her by morning.
As FG keeps reminding me its my job to keep loving her (no matter what, so I'll keep at day by day.
