W and I were together since 1995, married in 2001. She moved out in August of 2007, due to her saying I treated her like garbage (which I did, to be honest). I had been going to therapy for depresssion/anger management, and was referred to a psychologist for evaluation, at which time I was diagnosed with bipolar type 1.
Fast forward 8 months to present time. We have a 3 year-old son together. She moved into an apartment across town 7 months ago, I stayed in our home...her choice to do so.
At first, she asked me for "time and space" which I did not give to her. I constantly harassed her, begged, ect. I finally realized that the divorce was almost a sure-thing and decided I had to do something about my OWN life to make sure I could make it if it indeed came to pass. So I did. I forced myself to keep a neat/clean house, pay bills, run errands, etc...all the while taking various combinations of drugs to level-out my emotions which SERIOUSLY impacted my ability to remember things and made me a walking zombie other times.
More recently (past month or so) I have basically given up on trying to save our marriage, although I desperately pray every night for a miracle to happen. I have been giving her the time and space she keeps asking for. I only call her when I wish to speak to my son to tell him goodnight and that daddy loves him...then I speak to her for a few moments (smalltalk only) and to tell her to take care of herself.
We both work exactly opposite shifts at work (I am a nurse, she is a lab tech), so on the days I am off I have our son, and on the days she is off she has him.
Fact is, I am NOT as far along in "getting over her" as I thought I was, and that's because I still truly, deeply love my wife...and I dont WANT to get over her. I want to stay married.
Yes, it is completely true to say that I did some absolutely horrible things that I would NOT normally do. I neglected her, emotionally abused her, and generally treated her like crap....ALL things that I would take back in an instant if I could.
She has said that she definately sees changes in me since being diagnosed and on proper medication, but that she still sees some of the OLD me peek through now and then. In our last conversation, she said "I just wish you would see that I cannot take the risk of you acting that way again." I'm not sure how to translate that.
I have not hidden what I did to her. I am COMPLETELY honest and open about it....even the most horrible things i openly admit to....because i do not feel like the REAL me did them, but I totally understand that while it may have not been the real me that did them, it WAS the real her that I hurt. I have broken down in tears infront of her over what I must have done to her....I explained that I am deeply hurt by what she must have gone through watching the man she loved slowly degenerate into a hateful, abusive animal....and her not realizing that there was something very wrong with me. I do not want her to pity me, I just wish she could see the REAL me insted of the monster I became.
Still, I am left with this: I still very much love my wife...always have. The ability to show her this was STOLEN from me by bipolar disorder. Now that I am finally getting back to my old self again, I have come out the other side of the tunnel to realize that my wife is probably gone for good.
We still speak, and I try to be as supportive of her as I possibly can. I am friendly and kind to her. I can tell she TRIES to be nice to me, and for the most part, she is...but she keeps saying that the "damage is already done" and that "she cannot take that chance". I suggested counseling. We went once...she said she isn't going back b/c the counselor basically told her that her perception should change based on the fact that I have a medical issue....I cringed when she said that because I KNEW my wife wasn't interested in hearing it.
So....she has not yet filed for divorce, although I do not know why. In our state, there is a year wait during which time you must live apart, so she may simply be waiting for this time to be up. What can I possibly do during the remaning 100 days or so to improve the chances of us getting back together?
