Real life's getting more like fiction each day....

[cw68]

Sara, what are your living arrangements? Are you able to move him out of your bedroom into a different room?

[MichelleLT]

Happy Cinco de Mayo Sara.

It is good to have your options open.

And no, it's not stupid to hope. It's stupid to expect, it's futile to try to control, but hope is what keeps us going.

Hang in there

[Starshyne]

cw68 I sleep in a seperate room that houses my doll collection. It is outside of the house, connected to the garage. I had a panic attack when I tried to sleep in our bed and decided this was better for me. I actually like my little room and I sure wouldn't want him sleeping in there.

We were watching one of those "surviving" type shows on tv. This guy was captured by rebels and basically left for dead. He said how he refused to believe that he was going to die. He believed that is what kept him going...he didn't give up on his life. I feel that way in this sitch. I refuse to believe that my marriage is going to die and I am not going to give up.

[Starshyne]

I have been trying to detatch a lot. Last night I stayed in the other room and did my own thing for part of the night and watched TV with H for the other part. I made dinner and left it on the stove if H wanted any and if he didn't, I was going to throw it out. I no longer make dinner with H in mind or at a time when I think H might be home. Trying really hard to detatch more and more so that when H decides not to come home again, I won't get myself so worked up and upset.

[kat727]

Sara go one step further and put the leftovers up. If he wants diner he can be home when it is dinnertime or make it himself. Live for yourself right now.
kat

[klm]

Good job Sara.

Trying really hard to detatch more and more so that when H decides not to come home again, I won't get myself so worked up and upset.

You have to do that for YOUR sanity. Detaching is all about you. I have said this before but I know it is hard in the same house. When H left, even though I hated it, I felt such a relief. I wasn't obsessed with his every move.

Aren't there certain nights he is staying out so late? If so, then you can be prepared for this. Maybe you can schedule your hotel "vacation" on one of those nights.

[MichelleLT]

You are making progress. Baby steps. Rome wasn't built in a day, don't be too hard on yourself.

I have to second kat though. Put them away. If he wants them, he can get them out of the fridge or find/make something for himself. He's an adult - at least physically.

[Starshyne]

Sara go one step further and put the leftovers up. If he wants diner he can be home when it is dinnertime or make it himself. Live for yourself right now.
kat

That was my plan yesterday, actually. But he came in from mowing the lawn just as dinner was ready. So I just said. "There is some food on the stove if you want it." And he was all "Oh wow, this is great. I love this rice you make. Thanks so much!" So that was nice.

I come home and see a note from him that says "Working in EV (town that is a half hour from here) 3:30-7:30." I wonder why he thinks that he needs to tell me of his whereabouts when it is something like work or the gym, but when he decides to stay out until 2am, he doesn't contact me at all.

I have yet to see a pattern as to what night he stays out. I think it would be easier on me if I knew that on Thursdays (or whatever) he wouldn't be home. But he is such a spur of the moment type (always has been) that I am sure he doesn't have it planned out.

[MichelleLT]

I come home and see a note from him that says "Working in EV (town that is a half hour from here) 3:30-7:30." I wonder why he thinks that he needs to tell me of his whereabouts when it is something like work or the gym, but when he decides to stay out until 2am, he doesn't contact me at all.

What is different about work/gym vs. going out? On your end of course - do you not ask? Do you not call? Do you ask him how it was when he got home and listen/validate?

What do/don't you do when you know he is out at a bar? Do you think you could change something about that interaction so that he'd be more open about it?

[Starshyne]

These are all good questions that I have been thinking about for several days. One thing that stands out in my mind is that I don't drink. I have only had alochol once in my life and that was on my wedding day. Hanging out in a bar has never been my idea of a good time. However, I don't look down on anyone that does and I wouldn't mind doing that every once in awhile (especially if there is singing!) So maybe H thinks that I will think less of him if I knew he was a bar. Plus...going to a bar is so out of character for my H (the guy I knew who has a degree in preaching). Maybe there is a little conviction in him in that area?

I do call. I call WAY WAY WAY too much. I call, I text, I text I leave voice mail. That needs to end! Typically I am not "up" at 2am when he arrives home to talk to him. I am normally somewhat awake, but I do not want to make it look like I am staying up for him. Plus I do have to work the next day. But I do ask him later if he had a good time and he usually tells me that he didn't have a good time, he was bored, it wasn't any fun.

The big thing that I need to do is to stop calling and bothering him. I guess the thing that REALLY peeves me off is that I don't know where he is. Is he at a bar? Is he with OW? Is he dead on the side of the road? My mind would be at ease if he would just call and say "Sara, I am going to be out at a bar tonight." But I think he feels uncomfortable with that because he believes I will nag at him to come home (which you know...I might because I honestly don't like him doing this, but I am going to stop the nagging).

More things for me to think about.