Pregnant and heading for acceptance #2

[blindsided1]

Good points ST. By the way forgiveness was a huge topic during the reading as well. She said that not only do I need to forgive myself for believing that I was at fault for the dissolution of my M, but I need to find a way to forgive my H. That even though I may act like I have forgiven him, he knows that I have not. So, I'm going to be working on forgiving him. Even though sometimes it is really hard to do.

[S.T. _I Made It!]

that is good B. I know choosing to forgive can actually be a lot easier than truly forgiving and forgetting. True forgiveness means it is erased, so we can't use it against them, if they are truly remorseful.

I'm glad the psychic was for fun. We just need to be watchful for these kinds of things, because they can easily turn into more than that.

Of course, like you said, if those things come true, what a good thing to believe in and be hopeful for.

just curious, why do you think your going to get prego soon? with H? please try to refrain yourself from ML, because that's the last thing you want to do, bring another baby into the sitch. you know?

[S.T. _I Made It!]

I think the necklace thing is cool. I'm glad you feel that way about the ring. Just try to stop associating things that remind you of H to the lack of a future together or hurt that he has caused. Like Tomato said, try to look at the goods things he has done instead.

The better R your D has with her dad, the better R she will have with her OWN H. I count myself as an example of that. I didn't have a close R with my dad, and because of what he did to my mom (and now I can see both sides of what could have happened and that it WASN'T just my dad's fault as I had felt long ago) I really had a problem trusting men. I didn't even trust my H. not necessarily with him cheating, but just with anything, like if he said he did something, I'd double check it. I know that my lack of trust for men, had part to do with the communication problems we had.

[blindsided1]

ST - I am trying to figure out how to forgive my H. But, I'll tell you what makes it hard. It's hard to forgive someone that has expressed no remorse for the pain they inflicted. Not just on me, on his parents, my parents, our friends. It's extremely hard to just say ..."okay, I see why you chose to cheat on your pregnant wife and walk away from your family and our family that we had worked so hard to create. I understand why you left your W with a high risk pregnancy and put her through mental and emotional anguish at a very critical time during the pregnancy." These are issues that I HAVE to deal with. I HAVE to be okay for my daughter. I don't want my anger and hurt to taint her feelings for her father. It's not been an easy journey. I has not been an easy task to forgive a man who tosses aside his wife and unborn child so that he can live with OW who has children. Children that he is playing "Dad" to. I value family. It's been a rude awakening to watch my H NOT value his family, his parents or the family he created. It would be another story to try and forgive the man who truly feels sorry for what he has put us through and feels some remorse. But, nobody has seen any remorse from him. Nor has anyone seen a hint that he even thinks that what he did was less than justified or "normal". So, unfortunately, I feel that I have a looooonnnnnggg way to go before I can truly forgive him. He continues to be insensitive towards me.

I DO feel sorry for him, because I don't think his emotions run very deep or that he has good moral judgement or good family values. But, he IS and adult. He DOES know right from wrong. He just chooses to do what he wants without regard for other people. I often pray that God will help him become a better man a better person. Regardless of how much he has hurt me, I love him.

As far as having another child goes... the reason that was on my mind is because H kept saying things like "well, if either one of us has another child...". So, I started to think that maybe in the next few years either H or a new man would come into my life and I would be blessed with a son, as well. I wasn't contemplating getting pregnant 2 months after the birth of my daughter, necessarily. It just struck me as odd that she brought that up.

I am trying to look at the good things H has done. I want my D to have a great R with her father. I just worry that he will not put in the effort for her. He barely has a R with his parents or brother. He walked out on his pregnant wife. It doesn't speak highly of his sense of committment or family. And, it DOES worry me.

[JennyF]

blindsided,
I only have a second to post for now...but I had to say this...

..."okay, I see why you chose to cheat on your pregnant wife and walk away from your family and our family that we had worked so hard to create. I understand why you left your W with a high risk pregnancy and put her through mental and emotional anguish at a very critical time during the pregnancy."

This is not forgiving. You don't have to agree with what has done to forgive him or to accept it.
I'll be back later after the little ones are in bed!
J~

[blindsided1]

I know that is not forgiving. That is the point. I don't know how I'm supposed to forgive him without agreeing with his choices. I feel that in order to truly forgive him, I have to say it's okay what he did. Maybe I just don't know HOW to forgive him. Someone explain how you forgive them without accepting what they did as "okay". Because I don't understand. I am struggling to understand why he did what he did. Everyone keeps saying he's an alien or he's hurting or he's sick. He KNOWS he hurt people, he KNEW he would. But, it didn't matter to him. He wanted what he wanted and he was going to get it at any cost. And, I could even go so far as to say that I understand that he was hurting and that may have caused him to hurt others. But, he has made no attempt at repairing the damage he has done. I'm just confused about how to forgive while still hurting inside.

Don't get me wrong, I want to forgive him. It does not feel good to be angry and mad and disgusted with someone you love. I don't know how to find that peace. I am finding some peace in other areas of this horrible sitch. But, the forgiveness part is really, really hard.

[Forrest Gump]

I see the alone time is getting to you..

Your mind just keeps going over and over it.

Listen to me.. Stop.. Stop trying to figure it out.. Stop trying to reason it out.. Stop trying to forgive him..

You are trying to take on way too much.. You mind is running away.

You cannot detach this way.. I am telling you right now.. its going to pull you back in. I am not a physic... I don't need to be.. I have watched myself and some really strong people walk right back into it.

Remember "Busy Work"? This is the key. Find something outside of your comfort zone to do. Take 1/2 of the energy you are using and put into thinking outside the box you will be so much better off.

If you keep this up.. I can tell you exactly where you will be 1 week from now.. I could write it out.

Think small. Baby steps all around. The necklace, not txting him, the fun time at the physic. Blindsided1 you need to focus on that.. as the weeks pass.. it is going to get harder the quicker you can control this within yourself.. the better.

Forgiveness has so many things that go along with it. You are nowhere close. Doing the Fast-Forgive is no more effective than what you are doing now.

If you listen to 1 thing.. Listen to this.. STOP. This is him taking control of your life. Don't let him take you away. Please!!

[JennyF]

Well then don't force the forgiveness. Accept today's reality as just that, today's reality. Stop going over and over the why's and how's of what he's done. Not to mention the fact that your H isn't "done" what he's doing. Whatever sad thing is going on inside of him is still going on in him and is still controlling him. So ACCEPT that you can't do anything about that. You don't have to agree with it. You don't have to forgive him for that righ now...hopefully that will come in time.
Accepting this doesn't mean that you agree with it. It means that you recognize that you can't control any of it. The only thing within your control is you.
And the hurt is not going to go away the second you accept it. You also need to accept the hurt for what it is...but don't dwell on it. I don't mean "be okay" with hurting....but accept that it is a reality of this and adding all of this other stuff on top of it will just compound it.

Gotta run....D is trying to use the potty and I'm in fear of my bathroom floor!
J~

[S.T. _I Made It!]

Forgiveness is NOT accepting what they did was okay. Forgiveness means what they did was a sin, it was wrong. But that we love that person and know that they are a sinner and we forgive them for what they did against us, even knowing that they may sin against us again.

Listen, we too have sinned against our spouse. We have sinned against everyone, our parents our friends, God. God is the ultimate forgiver, that no matter how many times we do the same wrong, he will keep forgiving us if we only ask him.

I'm not sure how else I can explain forgiveness. I actually forgave my H, outloud, to him w/o him asking for it. I knew that he may still sin against me, but I accepted him for what he was and I had faith that someday he WOULD have remorse and he would understand what he was doing.

My faith grew very strong during my sitch, and using Jesus as my example, showed me that no matter how much hurt one has caused me, I can still forgive. As he was dying on the cross he told his father "father please forgive them, they know not what they do". He was talking about those who put him to death. I did feel like I was dying. I remember telling my H, "I feel as though I've been stabbed by you a thousand times".

I will pray that God will show you how to forgive your H.

I also believe that your H's R with D is going to be different then that of everyone else. I do feel that he will feel closer to her than anyone else because she does not have the ability to judge him, and I do think he feels judged by everyone. of course warranted, but I also believe he's never going to come around with everyone judging him.

On the psychic, I may just be being skeptical, but just the fact that you are pregnant would make me assume that another child would be in your soon to be future... if I was a psychic that is. And I'm glad to hear you saying a couple years, I was afraid you were meaning much sooner! shwew! thank you for clarifying.

[blindsided1]

Forrest - I am trying to immerse myself in busy work, believe me. But, you are right, the alone time, any alone time gets me thinking about my H and missing him.

Jenny - I understand that this is how it is right now and there is nothing I can do to change H. I am working through it and really trying to refocus on other things.

ST - I understand what you are saying about forgiveness. Regardless of what my H has done or how he has hurt me, I DO still love him. That is exactly the reason it is soooo hard. It would be much easier if I just could stop loving him and missing him. Sad to say, but sometimes when I'm really upset, I ask for this. It's extremely hard to love someone who doesn't love you and who has pretty much stopped caring about you, too.

Tonight was a little tough. I went and had dinner with my in-laws and my brother in-law and his girlfriend. I'm close to all of them. It's really hard for me to ask questions about H. He was there last night. I was supposed to go over last night and I didn't because I was tired. I didn't know if H would be there or not, but I'm kind of glad that I didn't go. I didn't have to see him and "their" dog that he brought to show off. I refrained from starting any conversation that pertained to my H. Even though I know that his family supports me, they are still HIS family. My FIL was saying that he was going to have to stop calling the OW bimbo when he meets her. I am NOT happy about OW meeting my in-laws, but I know there is nothing I can do about that. This is one of those things that I will have to accept. I hate it though.