Still Searching

[SuperDad]

Wow! Thanks for the feedback!

OK, I get the main point, which is that I will just have to accept the fact that W is not going to deal with this in any kind of fair, adult way. Perhaps that was the whole problem with our M, somehow that I was responsible for making everything better, no matter how much the problem was between her ears.

Some specific, really good points:

Exactly what are the consequences of the bad choices she has made?

Only obvious consequence has been the separation of finances. Her income being much smaller, but 100% disposable. Obviously, she did not get the luxury SUV for her 40th b'day, but she did not know I was planning that, so it does not really count.

I know this site is to "save" marriages but you've made it very clear that you have no intention of doing so.

From my point of view, DBing is about saving individuals who have lost themselves in their M. Sometimes this also saves, or rebuilds, a M. In my case, I DBed my butt off with W then finding that she had it really good, me not pursuing, still paying for everything, not asking her whereabouts, etc. That was when I realized that I had no desire to be with a person who will not only cheat on me, but also with a married man and have absolutely no qualms about putting me and the kids through all of this cr@p!

She's like your teenage child.

Funny, that is just how I think of her.

Do you think Yoga will get you through the next 10 yrs or so while she continues what she's doing?

It, and the Buddhist philosophy of life, will get me through much, much worse than this. However, that is not the point at all, but rather what is the right thing to do here, esp. regarding the kids.

AG,
I agree with the three choices, and really would like it to be saving the marriage, but I don't see a way for that to happen.

Is it possible that you yourself are using a fear of W's reaction to you filing for a D as an excuse for not proceeding with a D yourself? In other words, would you, like W, prefer to essentially have an open M - where your share a home, finances but are free to be involved in R's with other people?

It is not a fear of her reaction, but rather of her ACTIONS that scare me. But yes, my desire to keep this amicable has hindered any progress since she made it clear in Dec. that she would go ugly if I started procedings and refused to go to mediation when I asked her to go.

As far as an open M, I am totally uninterested in this. I am not going to start dating until we file and to be honest am not interested in anyone who would date a married man, so that makes it tough. I have also thought about some sort of "transitional phase" where we get a D, but I agree to stay in the house for some time to ease the sitch financially and on the kids? Not sure if that is even an option, but could be explored.

Is it possible that you are reacting more to your own fear of confrontation and using W's behavior as an excuse to do nothing?

It is not a general fear of confrontation, but rather the fact that she seems to be willing to go to any extreme to avoid being "wrong". Every conversation we have ends with her saying some veriation of "you can't make me..." I think the only control she has in life is saying no to whatever I propose. Thus the unilateral actions on my part regarding finances.

The division of assets is tough during a D. I was the primary wage earner and paid a hefty sum to make The X go away. You will probably have to pay alimony and owe a chunk of change in child custody every month. You will go through a drop in standard of living yourself if/when you file for D. It sucks - but that is how it is...

I got over this a long time ago. Not an easy thing when you realize that there are no legal consequences of breach of contract within the context of FL marriage law! I am used to dealing with corporate law where such an egregious breach of contract (marriage vows in this case) would result in financial ruin for the offending party. Boy did I get a surprise when I went to the lawyer! Made me want to move to Louisiana where they have never heard of no-fault divorce!

I am taking as many financial steps as I can, but we don't really have many assets other than retirement funds and the house. W always managed to spend all I could earn. Funny, now that I am paying the bills, there is always a lot left at the end of the month. Great idea to fund up the college plans with that money. I have just been saving it in the bank acct. up to now.

Do not stay in a relationship for your kids...they should never have to feel that responsibility like they are the only reason you are together.
it's as bad as living your life through them.

Ouch! I will definitely keep this in mind as I decide how to move forward.

If you want her out (we all know you do), you have to move forward on it. She obviously is not going to do this. Yes, it will be hard on the kids in the short-term, but better on them in the long run.

Unfortunately, it is likely that I will be throwing myself out!

L2, thanks for the hugs, look forward to your next update.

AG, not sure about the cancer analogy. One thing is for sure, I am a much stronger person with a much better feel for who I am than before the bomb. In many ways, this has already been the best thing that ever happened to me. I definitely appreciate my blessings much more than I did before this sitch. I also am in great physical shape and really enjoying doing stuff with the kids now that I don't have to try to make W happy at the same time! Just need to find my Path with Heart out of here. Your posts definitely will help with that.

TTFN! SD.