Quote: Have you and your H discussed WHY the things you want him to do can't be "him"?
it is not that they are not "him" they are just not him on a consistant basis...he is capable...just not the natural way he is lest the mood strikes him I guess..
Quote: And - when you talk about ethnicity I'm not sure which one you're talking about - Hispanic?? Are you Hisp, too?
no, h is italian...I am well...a mutt..american if you will.
Quote: I imagine, perhaps more than some other cultures, showing affection in any way other than being the big macho provider is looked on as being a wuss.??
or whipped...or she's in control etc...but then h isn't all that macho about it...I don't really know.
Quote: He might need a little perspective adjustment there - some macho male role models who are "secure enough" in their manhood that they can say "ILY" and send flowers and call their Ws during the day, etc. etc. I can see where those things might be tough for ANY guy...
you and I would call it an attitude adjustment...he would call it us wanting him to "change" and that word has a negative connotation somehow.
the speaker listener idea sounds great...actually I try to do that with h...let him be heard...not interupt and then speak my peace let him know what I "heard" but somehow it all gets out of hand...hopefully the c will be able to help us...
Quote: As usual, I'm pages behind here, so I don't know if this was covered, but...
hey KAW, thanks for stopping by...what I do when I find a neighbor with too many posts is to just read what they themselves have posted...(I know with me that's still alot) to get the jist...I don't mind repeating advice...
as far as h's work...in a few weeks things will settle down..and I'll find something new to complain about...just kidding!
Why did I KNOW it was Italian? Being 50% myself, I suppose. (3rd generation Canadian, though).
I think your idea of a "date night" is excellent. I think your H needs to see how this will really benefit him too. My sis and BIL nearly ended their marriage over 10 years ago when my BIL had that emotional affair with a co-worker (I mentioned him before...they didn't have sex).
My sister insisted that he set aside every Friday for the two of them. A tall order as he not only co-runs their business, but has another job, a band, and teaches painting too! The guy is constantly on the go. For years my sis felt that he gave everything to everyone else but her.
But Friday night? He is now all hers. According to them it has SAVED their marriage. So how do we sell this to your H???
Does he realize how much happier you'd be, ergo how much less stress there would be in HIS life? Perhaps playing up the benefits for him might help. Yeah, I know "they" can be stubborn!
Oh. ITALIAN. They sleep a lot? Never knew...Yeah, I'm a definite mutt. When I was in 1st or 2nd grade, and people were going around saying what country they were from, I told everyone I was part Japanese, because my mom lived there for 10 years (gpa was in the army and stationed there after WWII). Tee hee.
Did you ever watch the Wonder Years on TV? There is an episode where the boy (gosh, can't even remember his name now!!) says, "I finally realized, I was a mutt..." Hit right home with me!
Anyway, you're definitely hanging in there. Good job. NO easy answers here, but honest ones, and lots of support for all the hard work it takes to make the honest ones work!
Quoting LL: as far as h's work...in a few weeks things will settle down..and I'll find something new to complain about...just kidding!
Well it looks like you recognize an old pattern that just doesn't work!
Quoting LL from earlier post: let's try and do LL a favor and think possitive..look for the possitives in her sit...stop pointing out the negatives..
... and now you've found something that really does work for ya ...
... and even tho the C session last night was particularly rough this go around, its big that your H did finally speak up on his own before the night was over in an effort to try to bridge the communication gap from his end.
How many times have you express here how you wish H would just say something to you in order to make a deposit in your love bank. You may not exactly like what he express, but he did make the effort to express it.
Recognize that for what it is, his attempt to speak your language.
3 positives for today (ok some come from last night)
1. last night I went to get some more paint and do a bit of food shopping (h was at home with the kiddos dd was already asleep) the paint store was close BUT I found a video store and rented a movie for myself...well! h sat and waited for me to start the movie and STAYED AWAKE the whole time...I didn't even expect him to stay on the couch with me but he stayed awake.
2. son stayed dry all night last night!!! no sheets to change!!
I love the way your keeping track of the positives, LL! Really seems to help, doesn't it?!
h sat and waited for me to start the movie and STAYED AWAKE the whole time...I didn't even expect him to stay on the couch with me but he stayed awake.
I think that this is really cool! I must admit, though, that I share this "falling asleep during movies" trait with your H. In fact, it's become a joke between my wife and I that most movies I watch are only a half-hour long. I see the first 15 minutes, then some kind of alarm clock goes off in my head exactly 15 minutes before the end of the movie! Strange, huh?!
She doesn't let this bother her too much, except when I'm snoring too loud, and she can't hear the movie!! That's when I get the "gentle" nudge in the ribs with her elbow!
You're doing great, LL! Keep on truckin"!!
PS Any special plans about how you're going to greet him when he comes home at 4? What would blow him away, what could you do that would be different?
JJ
Read about Divorce Busting® Telephone Coaching here!
Quote: PS Any special plans about how you're going to greet him when he comes home at 4? What would blow him away, what could you do that would be different?
I'd love to great him buck naked (ok maybe not naked but I didn't want to go getting ya'll exited here) and drag him upstairs or hell just have my way with him on that nice lawn of ours...but...we've got the little buggers running around and he's having someone come over to look at the tree stumps (he took down a bunch of trees a while ago and some of the stumps are too big to pull out so they need to be ground) sooooooo....I suppose I'll just give him a kiss and a wink to possibly spark some interest for later...and if that doesn't work (for the later that is) I just took a trip to the hardware store to get the paint I need so I can just go start painting the bedroom.
but I do have to keep in mind that "that" is my love language and not h's...not that he'd mind it...just that it's not his lang...so then a happy face and a warm welcome is what he'll get.
Quote: I must admit, though, that I share this "falling asleep during movies" trait with your H. In fact, it's become a joke between my wife and I that most movies I watch are only a half-hour long. I see the first 15 minutes, then some kind of alarm clock goes off in my head exactly 15 minutes before the end of the movie! Strange, huh?!
I swear to you no lie...h and I (before we were married) went to the theater to see patriot games...h fell asleep...I watched it a couple times at home and again he fell asleep...then one night (still not married) we were going out and h was sitting there all attentive saying this is a great movie..what do you think he was watching?? the same movie that I watched 3 times while he slept!!! I do joke about it...h has slept through so many good movies...and then there are also the bad ones that I wish I could have slept through but hey...he does try...and I do try not to take it personally.
