Finding DB late in the game #4

[Sara]

Sounds like you are doing well CW. you know it's always darkest before the dawn. you never know what is coming, and things can always change. But open and honest communication is a good thing. With understanding of each other's true feelings you can work out the problems. He doesn't know what he's looking for, and may have to walk a little way down the wrong path before he realizes he doesn't know where he is going.

[cw68]

Sara, I think you're spot on. This is real communication, it wasn't a ploy to make him feel guilty (been there, done that) or anything. This was me sharing how I feel. In the letter, there were no accusations and anything that I said the kids were going to feel was a result of us. There was a lot of "we" in the letter.

Interesting afternoon. I responded to his Range Rover text with telling him I knew he wasn't trying to avoid anything and that we should probably talk vs. email anyway. Jokingly replied to the Range Rover part with a "I told you so. Can finally say that w/out worry. ;)" and that I still wished him a happy b-day. He responded during his layover with "Thanks, it's a joyous day. Seriously, it is all good. yes this is a difficult time, but in the big picture, things could be a lot worse." I wondered if he meant that divorce isn't the worst thing that could happen. But decided that I wasn't going to approach this anymore.

I texted him that dinner plans we made for Weds conflict with one of my friend's b-day dinners. The dinner is on a night that he has the kids, and it's with a group of friends that I've become closer to since my H and I separated. A couple of weeks ago I told him about the dinner and that he was invited and he said he'd come. So I sent a cryptic text that just said Jesse's bday conflicted with the planned dinner here. I wasn't forcing him to choose if we were going to go dark from each other, just wanted to put that out there so he wasn't expecting the dinner. He responded with, "Ah, yes, do you want to do Swiss steak thurs or friday?" So he's still planning on coming out with us on Weds AND to still have dinner together.

I can't wait to hear his thoughts from this morning's email. Regardless, I'm going to put a rubber band on my wrist and just validate, let it sink in and not respond for at least 12 hours.

[MichelleLT]

Don't jump to conclusions. Assuming only makes an a$$ out of U and Me. You don't know what he meant by it, so either ask him to expand on it or let it be.

You seem to be going the let it be approach, so follow through.

I might have to try the rubber band trick!

[minkerman]

CW, I know exactly how you felt when you sent that email.

As you know, I did the same, and ultimately, it was a good thing.

I hope it changes the dynamic in your relationship for the better.

[cw68]

Thanks guys.

Michelle, the rubber band thing works great. Whenever I know I shouldn't text, call, whatever -- or even if I need to thought stop -- I put a rubber band on my wrist to snap some sense into me when needed.

Mink, I think this will change our dynamic. We'll see if it's positive or not, I'm still hopeful even though I'm prepared for anything.

[newnamenewlife]

I am so envious, CW. I wish I could be where you are. It's a hard thing to fake--the true, heartfelt letting go. The fact that our kids don't know is one of the main things that keeps me holding the rope. Yesterday, we were all watching a documentary on sea lions near San Francisco and d7 said if we ever go to San Francisco, she wants us all to go since Daddy couldn't join us on our recent trip to LA. Today D11 was chatting about things we should do with the extra space on our third floor (not knowing that if H leaves, we have to rent our third floor in order to afford a 2nd household.) Those kinds of things from them just break my heart.

It's also hard because I simply can't imagine wanting to be let go like H seems to want. I think if our positions were reversed and he showed such an obvious desire to save our M, I would be touched by that and would want to make it work. I think he feels like he *did* make an effort (mostly in the sex dept) and I didn't respond correctly. Now I am just consumed with guilt and regret about that.

[cw68]

You have to stop thinking what would happen if the positions were reversed. They aren't and they won't be. Should have warned you that a 2x4 was coming, sorry! But you have to stop imagining him thinking the way you think he should be thinking. He's not thinking that way and all the wishing in the world won't change that. You have to play by a different set of rules. It's wrong, it's cruel and unjust, but it IS. Trust me when I say you'll feel better once you grasp this for real. It doesn't make it hurt less, but it does make you feel better.

H and I just got off of the phone. Good conversation and I know I really am detaching. My email was a good move. I felt very relieved after sending it and H was receptive. He specifically mentioned an analogy that I wrote. H is very in shape and treats his body very well. Here is what I wrote that spoke to him:

"After having some mental breathing room the last month or so, our situation is once again pervading every thought of mine and it’s exhausting. As I undress to get into the shower, I look at my “new” body, toned and getting tight and with my movements I feel the results of yesterday’s yoga. Then my mind turns that into relationship thinking and comparing the two. I treated my relationship like I used to treat my body. My body before was OK. Naturally on the slimmer side, I was OK with it, inherently comfortable with it, but definitely not proactive in making it the best it could be. Like my body, for better or worse, I just assumed my relationship would always be there. I didn’t abuse my body, but I didn’t exactly treat it well. Then I decided that I didn’t like it mostly because I knew that wasn’t my body’s potential.

Now I make the effort to treat it well and work it, making it become all it can be. The workouts are sometimes boring, sometimes tough, sometimes painful and difficult and at first I didn’t really want to do it. Now that I see the efforts and like what I see, how I feel, I look forward to exercising. The soreness doesn’t bother me, instead it’s a reminder of the muscle growth going on in this old body of mine. It’s a small badge of honor that I can do this and I can look like this in the face of turning forty years old. Now I can take a simple act of bending over and make it work my muscles, that the little things like lifting my kneecaps works my thighs, making them stronger, making me stronger. Now I look forward to whatever it is that I’ve decided to do and my options just keep expanding, each and every one improving me in the process. And the body that I didn’t really like before but just accepted, I now LOVE. All of this can be relevant to a relationship, too."

Then he said as much as part of him really doesn't want to be back in our marriage, another part understood where I was coming from in terms of the kids and that he is especially sad when thinking about where our relationship is right now, how low we are. That he's really been thinking a lot in the past couple of days.

I brought up creating more space between us, letting him experience the void of losing me and our family, told him I wondered if he needed to experience that. If he needed to see how his kids would act in the face of not seeing both of their parents often, what exactly that would do to them. He said that he didn't, that he's been trying to be more independent the past few weeks because of this and because of his travel. I found this interesting because I'm not seeing him being more independent, in fact I would say the opposite. In the end he said that, no, he didn't need to see that.

Here's where I really got to db well. I told him that I understood his fears about coming back to our marriage, but that that marriage was dead. That even though I wasn't unhappy like him, I don't want that marriage back either. That we could have a much different, much better marriage. Looking at how well we still get along, and as he had just said a few minutes before, and neither one of us hates the other or anything, that I believe it is possible for us to make a successful marriage.

Then here's where I didn't db quite as well. I asked him what his biggest fear was about returning. He avoided the question with things like, "I don't know if I can say any one thing bothers me the most." and I changed it to be one thing that really worries him and he finally said that he was worried that he'd be unhappy with how the two of us relate. I told him I understood and that I just proved his point a little with browbeating him to answer. He laughed and said it wasn't that bad.

In the end it was a good conversation and I didn't cry one single time. Importantly, I didn't feel like crying one single time. In the interest of assuring him, I told him it wasn't like I was expecting him to give me an answer right now, that I know this road we are one is still going to be longer, regardless of where it brings us. But I did say that if we could both treat our relationship like I've been treating my body, we could have a successful marriage.

This is good stuff. I feel a million times better and I'm glad that the letter that kept me from going off the edge didn't put him over it. I'm seeing changes in his thinking from "we are broken and not worth fixing" to "There's a small fleeting chance for us" to "I don't know if I can come back to this marriage" to this response. For the very first time he verbalized that he completely understood my viewpoint and agreed with parts of it.

Will he be able to be in the place that allows him to come back? Who knows, but I know I'm in a much better place. I'm calm, I'm cool and I really am OK. Things eight months ago, heck four months ago, I never would have thought I could be.

[MichelleLT]

That sounds like a very amazing R conversation. Some amazing DBing and wonderful moments of connection.

You are a wonderful person.

Happy Cinco de Mayo!

[cw68]

Just an interesting little note. Yesterday I spoke with a neighbor I had invited to my H's little surprise b-day thing. Even though he's not one of H's friends, I wanted to have a couple kids there for our kids to play with since all of H's new friends are childless. He stopped by to say sorry for jetting out so quickly, but he just couldn't stand to be there. H's boss is very boastful (the matching Ducatis) and neighbor said he got tired of the "Brian Show" with all his stories. He said he's a pretty laid back person, but that it was just a room full of snobs and he just couldn't take it anymore. I told him I understood. There's a couple of really cool people in this group, but the louded four are very uppity and snobby.

Then a few minutes ago another neighbor said, "Hey, what was going on at your house Sunday night? Those vehicles parked in front were crazy! I haven't seen that many nice cars in one place in a long time." This from a guy who drives a 5-series BMW. We live in a nice neighborhood, but a neighborhood full of families. Not the kind of people who drive cars like the ones that showed up on Sunday.

Last night I was talking to my H and told him that as I was on my hands and knees wiping up spilled milk from the floor I thought to myself that there's no way our life, or I, could compete with his new friends. He responded that it wasn't a competition, which I acknowledged, but still told him that that life isn't me, isn't ours. While I enjoy his friends for the most part, and a couple of them are good friends of mine, it's generally not a crowd I yearn to be part of. He told me he doesn't care about the expensive toys and I told him that it was OK to want those things, but that cars and trips to the South of France isn't going to happen unless we stay together and I get a job. That we could get some of that together, but it wasn't going to happen apart, and if we did get some of that I think we'd still be much more grounded because we have kids and can't just think of ourselves.

This is when I start thinking there's a little MLC going on.

[MichelleLT]

http://biz.yahoo.com/fool/070518/117949647104.html?.v=1&.pf=banking-budgeting

Speaking of staying M for financial benefits lol

I'm very tempted to send this to my H