1) I got to spend the morning with my loving son3, who held my hand and wanted me to sit by him on the hay ride, but also wanted to ride by himself on the way back to the picnic and was acting "all boy" after lunch
2) I got to eat strawberries off the vine for the first time in my life...what a warm, sweet, juicy treat!
3) I have a H who can fight with me and still love me and forgive me for my shortcomings. Which are great sometimes, unfortunately...
We had a very tough c session last night, son3 for the 3rd nigth in a row (at least) didn't go to bed until 10:30. Way past my bed time...SO we didn't get to talk at all.
I'm going to write about it on my thread, if you'd stop by & give me some insight, I'd appreciate it...
Have you and your H discussed WHY the things you want him to do can't be "him"? My guess would be that he feels they are not "manly." And - when you talk about ethnicity I'm not sure which one you're talking about - Hispanic?? Are you Hisp, too? I haven't had much direct experience with "them" as you guys were saying, but I imagine, perhaps more than some other cultures, showing affection in any way other than being the big macho provider is looked on as being a wuss.??
He might need a little perspective adjustment there - some macho male role models who are "secure enough" in their manhood that they can say "ILY" and send flowers and call their Ws during the day, etc. etc. I can see where those things might be tough for ANY guy...
One thing I used to use in couples counseling - the "speaker-listener" rules...from a book, I can't remember the reference right now, but I'll find it if you want it...It can be really trite & awkward and not work well, but I found it useful...the speaker has the floor, the listener has to repeat what the speaker says until the speaker really feels that the listener understands it. The listener is not allowed to make his/her own points, only to repeat what the speaker said with empathy/compassion/understanding, until the speaker REALLY FEELS that the listener has heard and understood. THEN the listener becomes the speaker and gets to respond.
What usually happens with couples is, the speaker tries to make too many points at once, before the listener has a chance to repeat. So I usually have to tell people that the listener is allowed to interrupt and say, "I think you just made a point, may I repeat that point and respond to it before you move on?" But, again, the speaker KEEPS the floor until he/she feels the listener has understood.
Or, in session, I just interrupt the speaker and slow things down. This really helps keep everyone from getting overwhelmed with emotion and so many issues that no one could keep a clear head about it!
The other thing that happens almost EVERY TIME, is that the listener jumps in and tries to make a response before he/she has really listened, repeated, and been given the floor. The tricky thing is to not just "parrot" what the other person said, but explain it to the other person as if it is your point. IF you can do this with a sense of humor, and really give the other person permission to tell you when you're breaking the rules, it can help with communication a lot.
I think this would work better than being in 2 rooms with the c going in between - not a good place for a c to be! And your c I'm sure knows this...he/she was making a good point about you guys (we ALL do it in our Ms) hearing & responding to the tone of voice rather than what is being said.
Ok. I hope that was useful. Sometimes I can't resist being the therapist. If this p's anyone off, please let me know and I'll stop!!!!
