Better late than never?

[MichelleLT]

How much longer will her family put up with her living at home and not working? Not much longer, I'd guess.

Not your problem That's her reality.

I am glad you are enjoying the new office and all. You sound like you are in a good place - happy and feeling good about yourself. That's very attractive.

Keep up the good DBing, keep being her friend, and keep the door open.

[jon2911]

Help! Don't know what to make of this. Hopefully some of you can help me out.

Had a fantastic weekend. Jazz fest Friday night and Saturday, got lots of studying done and hung out with friends. Late Saturday night W called and asked me to meet her at the Ranch. This is a vacation home owned by her grandparents, about halfway between Houston and Dallas. This is HUGE. I've actually set a Ranch rendezvous as one of my goals. Unfortunately, I had already committed to play at church all day Sunday. I told her I'd love to come, but already had plans. I offered to meet her next weekend, or Memorial Day. Really hope she takes me up on that.

I know that Michelle's LRT says to accept some invitations, but not all, but this is the first time I've done that in a while. It was really, really hard, and made me question my GAL activities. Weekends (as you guys know) are the hardest part of separation, so I'm trying to make plans each weekend. But what if that gets in the way of invitations like this? This sucks. She seems uncomfortable with anything planned in advance, which I understand, but I need more than a couple hours notice.

[jon2911]

Later in the convo, I mentioned that I put her picture up at my new office, and got a lot of complements (She'd told me last week that if I don't have a picture of my wife up, it's sending a message that I'm available, etc etc). Instead of making her feel special like I'd hoped, this made her angry. She said I'm putting it up now for my own convenience, but back "when it mattered" I didn't do things like this. Same reaction I get about everything else. Anyway, there was no saving the conversation, so I went to bed. She texted me:

"I was just missing you. I'm sad my crazy idea didn't work:("

I found it the next morning, and texted her that I'm sad as well.

I was sad for a little while, but had blast hanging with musicians and watching sports all day. Last night at 1:00 AM she called, told me her day was great at her niece's baby dedication, that she's been at her brother's house all week, and that her father goes into surgery today. It looks like she's been avoiding her house. I was really tired after the weekend, and needed energy for my new job today, so I cut the talk a bit short. She seemed to be sad about that.

Again, this is another LRT deal, making sure I'm the one to end conversations, time spent together, etc. This DBing is so hard! I can tell she's really missing me, but I'm still really bummed out today.

[MichelleLT]

Her anger is a "normal" reaction. WASs do that when you make changes that they wanted you to make before. If you are consistent (i.e. maybe telling her when you talk about any compliments you have received on her photo) she will begin to hope that the changes will stick if she comes back to you.

DBing IS hard! It's mostly counter-intuitive.

But what you did before did NOT work. So, time to change things up!

[jon2911]

Her anger is a "normal" reaction. WASs do that when you make changes that they wanted you to make before. If you are consistent (i.e. maybe telling her when you talk about any compliments you have received on her photo) she will begin to hope that the changes will stick if she comes back to you.

Sorry, I don't understand what you mean. But I know you have a final tonight so no need to answer today. My final's on Thursday. Bring it!

I guess you're saying that changes are OK, and telling her is OK? I just don't know how to handle the "why didn't you do this before" reaction.

Thought about calling W over lunch, but I'm feeling too desperate and needy today. Wish there was a place to take a nap at this freakin' job...

[MichelleLT]

I'm saying that showing her you have changed is okay. But that you need to expect her anger. Her thought is that you didn't listen to her before and she is frustrated that you let things get this bad before you agreed to change. It feels like too little too late to her. Plus she doesn't trust that the changes will stick.

So, empathize with it. Even apologize to not listening to her sooner if you feel like that might help. (But do not initiate a R conversation.) Tell her you want her to be happy. Be her friend.

Time will be the biggest help. As your ACTIONS tell her you have changed, she will work through her emotions. As always, patience.

[jon2911]

Very interesting night last night. W called about 7:00 when I was with friends at dinner. I missed the call, but she texted "I really want to tell you something". I ducked out real quick and called her. She said she had some sweet potato fries in the oven (one of our favorites), and was about to watch Grey's Anatomy and drink some Sangria. I told her I was out to dinner with friends, but would call her later. She sounded strangely unhappy to hear that.

Back at dinner, I couldn't stop thinking about the call. It sounded just like one of our date nights. And when we long-distance dated we would have phone dates and watch a show together. Maybe a chance? I didn't make it home in time for the show, and when I called she was very distant. We only talked for about 10 minutes, and I fell asleep wondering what the heck it all meant. We had tentative plans to meet up this weekend, but I assumed those were off.

About 1:00 AM my phone woke me up, and I noticed she'd been calling over the last hour. I picked up, and she said she really missed me, but didn't want to feel that way, and had cut the phone call short. Also, it made her mad that I was out with friends, because she's having trouble finding friends in Houston. She can't meet me this weekend because her dad's getting out of the hospital from surgery, and she needs to take care of him (boy, that sounds like fun).

Then I conducted a little experiment (shhh, don't read this Jeff)
We had some great phone sex. She really, really enjoyed it and even had an O, which hasn't happened before over the phone. Then we talked for a little while about old college friends and such, before she realized that she was being too nice and the alien came back. She said sex is our only connection now. Well, I guess that goes with what Michelle says, it's a connection nonetheless.

She ended the convo by telling me how mad she is that I respond when her friends contact me. That I lie and make her look bad. I told her that I'm honest with them about my mistakes, and it's not my intention to make her look bad (what makes her look bad is that she's cut off contact with all of them). She only talks to her family and a couple friends, who don't know me and are supportive of her decision. None of our old college friends support her decision, and that ticks her off. She's also ticked that my Seminary is letting me graduate in spite of my issues. I must be lying to them also. Again, I'm in counseling there, being honest with them, and they want to see me finish. It's actually been really good to have one class there this semester. So, it seems like she's unhappy that I'm getting stronger and she can't control me anymore. But where's the balance on that?

[jon2911]

I just read this great post again for some encouragement:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=692727&page=0&fpart=1

Best part for me:

When you are together ALWAYS AGREE, keep your mouth shut and LISTEN intently to every word she says: When you do get chance to talk to her or spend time with her – and you will – ALWAYS try your hardest to be upbeat, positive, friendly, considerate and DON’T get angry or talk about your feelings and what YOU WANT. Stay positive and don’t bring up the relationship unless she does, and when she does, keep your trap shut and listen to everything she says. Want to stay out of trouble? Listen. Want to get back in the house? Listen. Want to have a long loving relationship? Listen. My God, listen till the blood drips from your ears; listen till you want to scream out a solution; listen until she has nothing left to say and when she’s done, shut up and listen some more. Women are the caregivers and if you want her to give, you’d better do some caring. Not only should you listen, but when you do speak, always AGREE. Validate what she says, and don’t argue. For example, “you were a complete jerk, you hurt me, you never spent time with our family, you’re selfish, you have two heads, the moon is made of chocolate etc etc…” I don’t care what she says, just say…”You’re right…I was a jerk, I am sorry and I screwed up…and your right the moon is made of chocolate and I have two heads. If you want me to leave, I understand, your right, maybe it would never work, but I do love you and I’ll always be here for you and the kids if you need anything.” It works people.

[jon2911]

Also:

When she starts talking about your failures and why the marriage was so horrible, much of which is probably true, she is waiting for you to react in anger, hurt, frustration, and let you say horrible things to her, blame her for everything and storm out of the house because this is the type of behavior that validates her thoughts, expectations and rationalizations for walking away. Such behavior will make her feel better. When you DON’T act like this, it will throw her for a loop and she will be completely bewildered. Try it.

I just remembered that she made another comment about how much better I am socially now. Being so busy with grad school, I got very absorbed in my own interests. Now that I work with "normal" people every day, it's different. And I'm glad she sees that.

[jon2911]

W called last night a couple times, wants help fixing her dad's computer. Cool! Something I can help with, and I think it's also an excuse to talk. We had a good, lighthearted conversation. She sounded tired, said she didn't feel well, and that "it's hard when you have someone in the house who can't walk". So, her dad's hip surgery has been stressful like I guessed. And he's laid up for 6 months...

Today, W called and sounded angry. "Did you cancel my insurance?" She used her card at Walgreens and it didn't work. I told her I'd contact my HR. This benefits stuff is such a pain in the a$$, and I'm only doing it to support her and be nice. Whenever we talk about it, she's rude. Ticks me off.

Then while I'm writing this post, a text "TY for giving me benefits." So, I guess it's just frustrating for her and she takes it out on me. Also that I have the power to cancel it at any time.