LL,Take it easy things didn't go that bad.Let them settle a little and then go about doing what works.What about each of you making a list that you would like to see done tha week.Like a kiss before he leaves for work or whatever.
Quote: I hear you say that you're telling h you appreciate what he does and want something slightly different...he's very sensitive to the "something different"...what's up with that.
because the something different would mean he'd be acting in a way that wasn't "him" to be more physcial...to be more affectionate...to use more words of affirmation with me...to send me flowers as a way to let me know he does care and that I am special despite the fact that he's too tired to give me a lot of quality time..(that one little phone call he could make during the day to order flowers would be huge qt for me..) h just wants to be him...trouble is in just being him right now I feel like it's up to me to just accept it even if I don't like it..ie during my second preg I wanted to be physical..but because that just wasn't something h was comfortable with it didn't happen so I was left to accept it) why does it seem I'm the one making consessions??
not saying h doesn't try..he does..but to use his words..it's just not enough...it wasn't enough before and it's not enough now..I want more..and honestly I don't think I'm asking for too much...it's not easy not knowing when h will spend the time with me...sure I get an occassional evening where he'll sit and chat with me...mind you it's more like he'll sit and vent about work to me but I accept that as communication from him. occassionally he will be physical...but I never know when it's comming...now some might call that spontinaety but I call it annoying..could be tonight...could be next week..who knows when h will show me in my way..then it's hard for me to be comfortable with it because it's inconsistant.
Quote: About the leap to #2...he ain't telling you you're nuts and that he doesn't care! ... you know that ...
no he doesn't directly say LL your nuts..but does say...do you hear yourself...do you even know what youre saying..what about this..what about that..didn't I hug you the other day..bla bla bla..the way he communicates things to me leaves me with the impression that he thinks I'm just a basket case and that he'd be happier without me. when I tell him that's how I feel I'm then given more statements that re-enforce the negative feelings.
Quote: I don't think he knows HOW to love LL the way she wants to be loved??
how to love LL the way she wants to be loved...
1.plan time to spend with her..not with the tv but with her. 2.laugh with her... 3.tell her a funny story about your day.. 4.tell her something about your day that pissed you off.. 5.tell her something that you wouldn't tell just anyone.. 6.hug her (like you mean it even if it's just that you yourself need a hug) 7.kiss her.... 8.tell her you love her...
h has heard what I want..but "it's just not me" is what I get..or I do do that don't I!! your memory is so short..bla bla bla...
3 and 4 h is doing a good job of..7 sure I get a peck when he gets home but that's not the kind of kiss I'm looking for after all I am not his mother..6. occassionally out of the blue I'll get a hug and I love it...the rest of the time I go without or have to go for it myself and hope he's responsive.
ah hell...I don't know.
Quote: I like #3...reinforces what your C said...you both want the same thing...just struggling with the communication of it all...
it's funny...c made a comment about what if you were in seperate room and I were relaying the message...h said to c that c would probably get dizzy...c let him know that the message would probably get across more..cause we'd each be hearing the what and not the how it is being said.
who knows maybe that wouldn't be such a bad idea...c does have two rooms...we could try it out. remided me of the couples who e-mail or write notes to argue...might work.
Quote: Looking forward to reading those 3 positives!
they're currently trying to fight there way through the mess to reveal themselves..but I'll let you know that one will be that despite our rough c session...h did speak on the way home..indirectly told me he loves me...and then while sleeping (I've been having difficulty getting comfortable) h did stay next to me I even think that at one point his head was on my pillow.
Quote: Take it easy things didn't go that bad.Let them settle a little and then go about doing what works.
I know they didn't go that bad..I could have walked out of the office...I know that it's going to be rough in the begining...
trying to just let it go...and go with the flow..we'll see.
Quote: What about each of you making a list that you would like to see done tha week.Like a kiss before he leaves for work or whatever.
one of the things I tried to have h accept in c session would be that one night a week would be reserved for us time..that h would make it a point to get home early ( well before 7) and stay awake and attentive...maybe play a game of darts or cards or something like that...h couldn't commit to that..said he wouldn't say that he would, knowing that there is a strong possibility that the day could get screwed up and then he wouldn't be able to.
so you see..I've asked for what I want..h either can't or wont give.
the kiss before leaving for work...as far as I know h does kiss me every morning before he leaves..but because he leaves so early and I'm basically asleep I'm not always aware of it..
To be perfectly honest I think all of us guys would kill for a woman like you but we must have done at least some of the same things your H is doing or we wouldn't be here.You have so much more than we doand so does your H so don't give up.
1) I got to spend the morning with my loving son3, who held my hand and wanted me to sit by him on the hay ride, but also wanted to ride by himself on the way back to the picnic and was acting "all boy" after lunch
2) I got to eat strawberries off the vine for the first time in my life...what a warm, sweet, juicy treat!
3) I have a H who can fight with me and still love me and forgive me for my shortcomings. Which are great sometimes, unfortunately...
We had a very tough c session last night, son3 for the 3rd nigth in a row (at least) didn't go to bed until 10:30. Way past my bed time...SO we didn't get to talk at all.
I'm going to write about it on my thread, if you'd stop by & give me some insight, I'd appreciate it...
Have you and your H discussed WHY the things you want him to do can't be "him"? My guess would be that he feels they are not "manly." And - when you talk about ethnicity I'm not sure which one you're talking about - Hispanic?? Are you Hisp, too? I haven't had much direct experience with "them" as you guys were saying, but I imagine, perhaps more than some other cultures, showing affection in any way other than being the big macho provider is looked on as being a wuss.??
He might need a little perspective adjustment there - some macho male role models who are "secure enough" in their manhood that they can say "ILY" and send flowers and call their Ws during the day, etc. etc. I can see where those things might be tough for ANY guy...
One thing I used to use in couples counseling - the "speaker-listener" rules...from a book, I can't remember the reference right now, but I'll find it if you want it...It can be really trite & awkward and not work well, but I found it useful...the speaker has the floor, the listener has to repeat what the speaker says until the speaker really feels that the listener understands it. The listener is not allowed to make his/her own points, only to repeat what the speaker said with empathy/compassion/understanding, until the speaker REALLY FEELS that the listener has heard and understood. THEN the listener becomes the speaker and gets to respond.
What usually happens with couples is, the speaker tries to make too many points at once, before the listener has a chance to repeat. So I usually have to tell people that the listener is allowed to interrupt and say, "I think you just made a point, may I repeat that point and respond to it before you move on?" But, again, the speaker KEEPS the floor until he/she feels the listener has understood.
Or, in session, I just interrupt the speaker and slow things down. This really helps keep everyone from getting overwhelmed with emotion and so many issues that no one could keep a clear head about it!
The other thing that happens almost EVERY TIME, is that the listener jumps in and tries to make a response before he/she has really listened, repeated, and been given the floor. The tricky thing is to not just "parrot" what the other person said, but explain it to the other person as if it is your point. IF you can do this with a sense of humor, and really give the other person permission to tell you when you're breaking the rules, it can help with communication a lot.
I think this would work better than being in 2 rooms with the c going in between - not a good place for a c to be! And your c I'm sure knows this...he/she was making a good point about you guys (we ALL do it in our Ms) hearing & responding to the tone of voice rather than what is being said.
Ok. I hope that was useful. Sometimes I can't resist being the therapist. If this p's anyone off, please let me know and I'll stop!!!!
Hi LL, Wanted to drop by to thank you for looking in on me. As usual, I'm pages behind here, so I don't know if this was covered, but...
Since this is a peak time of year for H's business, is it possible for him to look at temporary help from a labor service. If each crew got a temp to replace a veterans employee in a crew, perhaps another crew could be created by the displace veterans, thereby being able to serve more customers in less time. Perhaps even a temp in the office to help with the influx of customer calls or administration tasks. It sounds like H needs more manpower.
Quote: To be perfectly honest I think all of us guys would kill for a woman like you but we must have done at least some of the same things your H is doing or we wouldn't be here.
thanks!! but I am not all that perfect...
Quote: .You have so much more than we doand so does your H so don't give up.
I'm not near giving up yet..but will admit there are times when I'd like to just throw my hands up and say f it!!
