ya, ya, tony I know not all of "them" are sleepers..but the fact does still remain that most of "them" when comfortable will fall asleep anywhere..I've witnessed it not just in my h but in his family..some of my friends and heard about alot of my brothers friends being the same way...I don't begrudged my h for falling asleep or being tired..he does work hard...it's just sometimes hard on me...after all isn't a man supposed to want sex more than sleep?? guess that's just yet another stereo type.
well the c session didn't go to good.. I let h do the talking in the begining.. h says with the exception of a few blowups things have been going well and a connection is growing between us..
then it was my turn..I didn't want to talk..but they asked a few times so I let the truth be known..
to say it wasn't taken well would be an understatement..h became defensive and angry..I became frustrated and angry..
I eventually told the c that if this was the way these sessions were going to go that I would not waist my time comming anymore as this route would surely destroy our m rather than help it.
c tried to make it clear to each of us that we both want the same thing...but are just stuck in the communication of it.
h is still sticking to his "that's just the way I am" mantra...and I'm trying to relay to him that it's fine that's just the way he is, I understand it and am learning to hear his way..but h isn't always open to my way..
towards the end of the session I did my best to communicate this in the rawest way possible..I said to h I know you're that way and I'm learning to hear it..I'm learning to speak it to you..
do you think that I want to make you lunch and cook and do your laundry to show you I love you...no what I really want to do is push you up against a wall and kiss you like youre a man and I'm a woman...h looked totally shocked!! but then I added that I can't do that because I've been rejected so many times by him...that I'm not allowed to love h the way I want to.
anyway...
after leaving the session..despite the fact that I wanted to just jump off a friggen bridge and be done with it...I drove us to home depot to look at sheds..not a word was spoken on the drive...we got to the store and then it was "as if" from both of us..the ride home was again silent..til h said..Look I'm sorry I don't have anything to say..I'm spent..I think I said alot in there...I want this to work as much as you do...I'm trying..don't you realize that I work for you..because I love you..even when I was gone I still loved you...I don't have any alterior motives...I'm trying to give more....etc etc...
so anyway...h went to bed...I made his lunch and left a note on the counter so he'd know it was there..the note was simply...look in the fridge...(heart shape) me.
h wrote thanks.
dd woke before h left so we were up as he was leaving...h seemed cold and distant and walked out not mentioning the lunch at all..
ok fine so he wrote thanks...maybe next time I wont bother to put a heart...
maybe I should just be as cold as he is..
I dont' know what the hell to do..
I told c that I'm petrified..
c seems to understand how I feel... seems to understand that I need or want a bit more now as a result of the a seems to understand that I believe h was giving ow something that I want..
h doesn't seem to hear anything but he's not doing enough..
h's defense only serves to tell me that I'm nuts and he doesn't really care.
it's all just so stupid..we do care..we do love eachother...I just want a tad more affection right now.
I'll be back later with three possitive things cause I just don't have it right now.
