I think this is where I belong.

[missmyfriend]

Jay, my apologies also for the continued hijack.

Bill, I wasn't disagreeing with you. In fact, that is why I provided comments that were based on accepted psychiatric opinions. The fact is that I think we may use the word mental illness too broadly (I am guilty of that) when it may be something that can be a depressive episode not brought on by a physical condition. The fact that many of our spouses experience severe depressive episodes leading up to the bomb, has a tendency to help me believe that their may be a number of spouses the mental illness that is undiagnosed. My W is now on depression medicine and has had been classified as having a disorder of sorts although I still do not go so far as saying she is mentally ill.

Also, considering the number of spouses that have needed significant therapy (which is also a course of treatment mentioned on the site, separate from using a prescription based therapy) before they have been able to entertain the decision to go back to their marriage, I would say we may be surprised that a statistically significant number of our spouses may have varying degrees of mentall illness.

I know from reading many of the threads here that a decent number of posters have commented that their spouse is now on some sort of medication for depression or other disorder that is classified in the DSM-IV.

But, I do believe that some of our spouses are making a conscious decision to their actions. In those cases, I believe environmental factors play a larger part in their decisions, whether it was childhood issues such as abuse or neglect or whatever.

I, for one, think that many people will use an excuse when the truth is, they have lack of moral character. For those that have changed their personality more dramatically, either the person was truthfully leading a lie the whole time, doing what was expected or there is an emotional imbalance within themselves.

On the other hand, some people may not be good at making value judgments at some time in their life. I don't know of anyone who hasn't made that mistake in their life, myself included.

Jack provides an excellent example of his W who was in so much pain (it was real to her) that she chose how she felt would remove that pain. Whether she would be classified mentally ill or not, there was something wrong. And whether the experts feel that it is impossible for her to overcome such an illness, it is still more theory than science. The fact is, she is working on her family and her relationship and not off somewhere else being narcissistic.

Some may never confront their demons.

Bill, again, please do not think I am disagreeing with you. Most of what you have said, I agree with.

The one area that I find incredible to believe but I have read of cases is where people who are in the throes of insane behavior can hold down jobs, have friendships, still be a decent parent (I would use that term loosey if the parent is running around acting like a teenager without restraint).

The one thing I have to remind myself, is that no matter how similar a situation, my story will not be identicial because my W is a different person than someone else's H or W.