just wanted to thank you for bringing me backt to the reality that my h just doesn't give a damn about me and the kids..just wants a nice house and to live HIS life..and won't put in the extra effort to be there for me!!
Lovey,
You want to know how I know, because I did the same things, XW could have sex every day, I was fine with once a week, so i came to bed late, I stayed a work later, would find excuses to not go to bed to same time as XW. The when she would try to wake me in the night or early morn, I would pretend to be deeply asleep. I did not cuddle, I did not enjoy necking on the couch. I did not hold her hand, and did not tell her I love all that much. So what happen I lost my marriage. I got my wake up call too late. and learn too late to save my marriage.
Quote: Way to go LL...I don't know Poe..but I don't think he knows quite what he's talking about. Sounds like an angry person to me.
Hope
Your are right, I am angry, for screwing up my own marriage amd had she or I knew DB info we would have not divorced. Also because LL vents a lot, then does nothing to fix her sith. She doesn't realize how much a women can influence a person if don't properly. She claim to be well read, but we don't see her employing the tactics to get H where she needs him.
He is running the business like he is the only one truly cares about the business. A good leader can make his people care as much as he does.
Quoting lostlove:well it depends..certainly if someone wants to talk bad about him they certainly can but they should know for certain what they are talking about.
Yeah. But in poepad’s defence, he doesn’t know for certain what he’s talking about. He’s speaking from his own experience, and his experience doesn’t sound like a good one. On the other hand, it sounds like he’s been pushing your buttons a little too much and not listening to what you’ve really been saying about your sit. And one thing we all have to realize is that when we read someone’s thread, we’re often reading about raw feelings. Sometimes those feelings reflect frustration rather than reality.
Quoting lostlove:to tell me that my h is working to avoid me is undermining and frankly just not nice...
now if I had been giving all kinds of examples of h being a jerk...and no examples of expressions from h that he's stressed and not liking being away (lest not forget h not so long ago told me he was feeling depressed about the kids and I going away..and also about not being around much)
I spent way to much time thinking that h was trying to avoid me..I don't need to be pulled back there because some people don't understand it.
No you don’t. And your H doesn’t need a W who’s been pulled into the mindset that he’s an insensitive oaf for working hard to support his family.
And the combination of those mindsets would sound the death knell of your M.
Quote: No you don’t. And your H doesn’t need a W who’s been pulled into the mindset that he’s an insensitive oaf for working hard to support his family.
And the combination of those mindsets would sound the death knell of your M.
Don’t need that do you, LL?
No I don't!
I know that my h is under stress. I know he is working because he has to work and not at all because he is trying to avoid me..if I were to take the attitude that he was tired and working so much to avoid me that would only serve to create an atmosphere where he may avoid me.
h doesn't go to sleep after me to avoid me..in fact h wants me to go to sleep at the same time as him I don't always choose to because I am not always tired at the same time as him..sometimes he will choose to stay up with me to be with me..sure he may fall asleep on the couch but he falls asleep there instead of going up to bed and leaving me alone..I have recently told him to go up to bed if he's tired so that he doesn't end up on the couch all night and that is what he has been doing...heck just last night I wen to bed after him and you know what...a few min after I got there he rolled over and spooned me..didn't just spoon me either..again melted himself into me...placing his head on my pillow...
poe,
you may have avoided your w intentionally..sad for you that you did...my h does not do so.
let's try and do LL a favor and think possitive..look for the possitives in her sit...stop pointing out the negatives..
LL's life is good..her h loves her and yes he does show her everyday...he may not always want to be physical with her but he sure as hell does love her...let's remind her of that!!
so 3 possitive things for today.
1. h cuddled me in bed last night.
2. son's friend is comming to play today.
3. c appointment tonight with h...maybe we'll go look for that shed he wants too!
Hi, LL...I wasn't trying to be harsh, just to point out that you did complain about not knowing when the busy season would end, but when someone miscostrued your description of your H, you really found SO MANY positive things about him, and defended him yourself, and told us when the busy season would end! Just wanted to say, good job looking at the positives in H...and, for all your feeling that the business has control of him and his time, all our suggestions seem to be things you two have discussed and agreed to implement eventually or agreed that they aren't completely realistic. Sounds like you are doing a good job of communicating and managing your M in the midst of a very very difficult time...And you're doing what is necessary to assure that your H's (your FAMILY's) business is a success.
Hope your c goes well & you get to look at sheds!!! Man, THAT is a married-with-children date if I ever heard one!
My 3 positives:
1) Had fun getting up at 5am with SBH to make his lunch/coffee and have a chance to talk with him
2) Got daughter to school on time, in the nick of time...
3) we also have c session tonight...I find myself just looking forward to having an hour to sit with H and talk without having kids interrupt! Even if we're talking about difficult stuff!!
Quote: , just to point out that you did complain about not knowing when the busy season would end, but when someone miscostrued your description of your H, you really found SO MANY positive things about him, and defended him yourself, and told us when the busy season would end!
I know it will end...h knows it will end...can I give you an exact date? week? nope...I just know that it wont last forever and there will be a point in the summer when he's not dragging in at 7 but will be home by 4...just wish that I knew for certain when it would be...but I suppose just knowing there is an end in sight is good.
Quote: Just wanted to say, good job looking at the positives in H...
someones gotta look at the positives in h..if I don't then perhaps another ow will!!!
Quote: for all your feeling that the business has control of him and his time, all our suggestions seem to be things you two have discussed and agreed to implement eventually or agreed that they aren't completely realistic.
we've talked about these things over and over again...I've decided it's best for me to let running the business be h's responsibilty...I can offer ideas or suggestions or try to help to make life easier for him but ultimately the decisions as to how to run his business are up to him and so far he aint doing to bad a job!!!
Quote: Hope your c goes well & you get to look at sheds!!! Man, THAT is a married-with-children date if I ever heard one!
who needs a fancy dinner date!!! when you can have a c appointment and go shed shopping!!!
in all seriousness...I do find that I enjoy the time spent with h more when we have a task or goal in mind...shopping for something or getting something done. not calling tonight a "date" but it is a night out with h and I will enjoy it...just hope I can contain myself during c session and let h say what he feels without adding my two cents.
ya, ya, tony I know not all of "them" are sleepers..but the fact does still remain that most of "them" when comfortable will fall asleep anywhere..I've witnessed it not just in my h but in his family..some of my friends and heard about alot of my brothers friends being the same way...I don't begrudged my h for falling asleep or being tired..he does work hard...it's just sometimes hard on me...after all isn't a man supposed to want sex more than sleep?? guess that's just yet another stereo type.
well the c session didn't go to good.. I let h do the talking in the begining.. h says with the exception of a few blowups things have been going well and a connection is growing between us..
then it was my turn..I didn't want to talk..but they asked a few times so I let the truth be known..
to say it wasn't taken well would be an understatement..h became defensive and angry..I became frustrated and angry..
I eventually told the c that if this was the way these sessions were going to go that I would not waist my time comming anymore as this route would surely destroy our m rather than help it.
c tried to make it clear to each of us that we both want the same thing...but are just stuck in the communication of it.
h is still sticking to his "that's just the way I am" mantra...and I'm trying to relay to him that it's fine that's just the way he is, I understand it and am learning to hear his way..but h isn't always open to my way..
towards the end of the session I did my best to communicate this in the rawest way possible..I said to h I know you're that way and I'm learning to hear it..I'm learning to speak it to you..
do you think that I want to make you lunch and cook and do your laundry to show you I love you...no what I really want to do is push you up against a wall and kiss you like youre a man and I'm a woman...h looked totally shocked!! but then I added that I can't do that because I've been rejected so many times by him...that I'm not allowed to love h the way I want to.
anyway...
after leaving the session..despite the fact that I wanted to just jump off a friggen bridge and be done with it...I drove us to home depot to look at sheds..not a word was spoken on the drive...we got to the store and then it was "as if" from both of us..the ride home was again silent..til h said..Look I'm sorry I don't have anything to say..I'm spent..I think I said alot in there...I want this to work as much as you do...I'm trying..don't you realize that I work for you..because I love you..even when I was gone I still loved you...I don't have any alterior motives...I'm trying to give more....etc etc...
so anyway...h went to bed...I made his lunch and left a note on the counter so he'd know it was there..the note was simply...look in the fridge...(heart shape) me.
h wrote thanks.
dd woke before h left so we were up as he was leaving...h seemed cold and distant and walked out not mentioning the lunch at all..
ok fine so he wrote thanks...maybe next time I wont bother to put a heart...
maybe I should just be as cold as he is..
I dont' know what the hell to do..
I told c that I'm petrified..
c seems to understand how I feel... seems to understand that I need or want a bit more now as a result of the a seems to understand that I believe h was giving ow something that I want..
h doesn't seem to hear anything but he's not doing enough..
h's defense only serves to tell me that I'm nuts and he doesn't really care.
it's all just so stupid..we do care..we do love eachother...I just want a tad more affection right now.
I'll be back later with three possitive things cause I just don't have it right now.
LL -- arrgh. C sure sounds rough. You guys are both really brave to do it....
Quoting lostlove: h doesn't seem to hear anything but he's not doing enough..
h's defense only serves to tell me that I'm nuts and he doesn't really care.
it's all just so stupid..we do care..we do love eachother...I just want a tad more affection right now.
I don't understand the leap between #1 and #2 here...(maybe they're not supposed to be related?). H's response to your statements...the feeling that he's "not doing enough" is pretty classic...he feels like he's trying, he's telling you that he is, and it still "isn't enough"...my h has told me that he felt as though he could never make me happy and so he gave up...I dunno...I hear you say that you're telling h you appreciate what he does and want something slightly different...he's very sensitive to the "something different"...what's up with that.
About the leap to #2...he ain't telling you you're nuts and that he doesn't care! ... you know that ... I don't think he knows HOW to love LL the way she wants to be loved??
I like #3...reinforces what your C said...you both want the same thing...just struggling with the communication of it all...
Looking forward to reading those 3 positives!
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
