What is sad for me is that in DR you are told to try and work out what h is getting from the ow that he was not getting with you - well in my case the ow is a musician and plays various instruments and sings, she is in a successful band. My h always felt that he had to give up his music dream to be in a family. He is getting that from her. I could never compete...I am at a stage where I am starting to beleive that ow is a far better catch than me. My h is growing even more distant and has detached from me and d almost completely...I will update on my thread.
Feel free to hijack as much as you want Sue! I agree with everything you said (so eloquently)!
Sideswiped, I think, at least the way I interpret DR is that you should work on the issues that your H is looking for that you also think you should work on. I mean, I know my H has said several times my not having a full-time job is a problem for him b/c he doesn't see what I am doing as worthwhile. Although of course it is worthwhile, I guess b/c I don't get a paycheck in my H's mind that means what I do is not as valuable as what the OW does (some kind of tax law or something). And I don't think I can compete with a full-time attorney in the job area, nor do I want to. For me, doing what I do (and maybe getting a part-time job) is more important. I think my H is wrong about the way he values things, so I don't agree with my H in that case. The OW also ignores her kids a lot, and that's something else I don't want to emulate!
I do know my H wanted me to be more independent, sociable, keep a cleaner house, and I was also depressed which I think affected our R as well. I have decided to work on those issues b/c those are ones that I agree would be good for me to work on and I have been a lot happier working on some of those issues which I think is a sign that I am doing the right changes for me.
My H thinks OW is a better option right now and I know 90% of affairs fail, so at some point he will probably realize that she isn't better than me, just different. If he prefers someone to me who has had several divorces, messed-up kids, has an affair while married with kids with a married man with kids, and prefers to spend time working & having affairs instead of being with her kids, then she is the better choice for him, but I will never believe she is better than me. And I don't think the OW in your sitch is better than you either!!!
When I was back in the early days of finding out and very angry, I called the OW a tramp and my H said he is no better than her. I argued with him, but I think my H and maybe most of the WAS here are messed up and having problems, wanting to try to escape from them, having MLCs or whatever. They def. are making bad choices. I believe a lot of it has nothing to do with us. I have made all the changes my H was always saying he wanted plus more like losing a lot of weight, more self confidence, etc. and he is still gone and with the OW. So I realized it wasn't about me.
But I'm still glad I have worked on all my issues. My next R, whether it is with my H or someone else, I think I am a healthier, happier, better looking person!!! (And very modest too)! And I think all of us here at DB are like that as well! Karen
