I think this is where I belong.

[missmyfriend]

Jay, honestly, no one, even those who will claim otherwise, is strong enough to handle what has been thrown at us. There are many who have never been in a good marriage and had spouses that were either cruel or serial adulterers.

Others have had the proverbial rug pulled out from under them when, even though we didn't have perfect marriages, we completely stunned that our spouse says they have never been happy, never loved us and were biding their time until they could leave. Over and over again, people have been told this and I have read enough stories from people here (that are working on restoring their marriages) that their spouse either cannot remember saying those words or completely reject those statements as ever being true.

Some may have never been happy but they realized it was not the one they left behind that caused this unhappiness.

Jay, your story is very similar to mine in that my wife was a stay at home mom. This was a mutual decision and actually, she originally had to talk me into it. We sacrificed to make that happen. We were on the same team and made decisions together!

When she wanted to go back to school and work on her masters, I was completely supportive even though I had grown to appreciate her being home because the children were becoming incredible people. Caring, loving, and all around good kids. They got into trouble but it was all so normal stuff.

My W went to college, graduated and two months went by and (bam!) she said she wanted out of the marriage and never loved me. She started going out to all hours of the night, partying with her new friends from work. She started to dress sexy enough the kids actually got the courage to speak to her.

The next night after the kids said something to her, she moved out. Imagine how that made the kids feel? They felt responsible. It took me at least 6 months to help them realize that it was not them.

When she left, a month or two went by before she saw them. She would call them most evenings and speak to them for only 5 minutes (for all 3 of them!).

This is the mom that loved being with her kids.

Over time, it has gotten somewhat better. She wrote in her blog (she asked me to read it), she commented that a person in her life, she thought had become unlovable, she has recently begun to feel a sense of love for. She added that maybe someday that person would accept this love, even though it is not what that person would hope for. And, of course, my ego realizes that she is speaking of me. Not to mention, she said that I would understand a portion of it.

Does this disappoint me? No. Not at all. If she thought I was unlovable and now has a "sense of love" for me, then anything is possible. I remember I have no control over her and this situation. The only thing I can do is the right thing.

My point is that you don't know what is happening. You are hurting and your self protection is in full force. Plus, you are protecting your children and hurting for them. You see your W as this person that has betrayed you and has been deceptive.

Let me, let you on a little secret...she is betraying and deceiving herself. The happiness she is seeking cannot be found like that and her family is where she belongs. Everything else is a lie.

And as Jack has so accurately stated, she is not in her right mind at this time. At least probably not. Is it mental illness? Probably not in the sense of the strict definition but she is reacting in an odd way to her identity.

In my thought process, if my W is reacting incorrectly to what is going through in her mind, I do not want to make the same mistake by reacting to her actions and words. I will sit back and let her work through this and, God willing, she will want to come back home and be a member of this family.

For the first time in my life, I could care less whether I am told I am right or see her pay for what she has done. I care only about seeing my W make it through this and be an ear for her. Not a mouth, telling her what she did was wrong but someone who will do more than talk a good talk, and be her friend.

Not to scare you away, which since you are one of the few men brave enough (IMO) to be on a site like this, I would say you do want to fight for your marriage. The irony is that sometimes the best way to fight is to simply not do anything. It is to love your W from a distance and not seek her approval or have any type of expectations from her.

My W and have been married for nearly 18 years, dating for 22 years, with three children (D15, S13 & S11).

Keep the faith!