Hey....great posting!!! I love shiny & talista's ideas about asking for what we need! And ya know, all these years of telling people to think of positive stuff, blah, blah, blah - it DOES work! At least, if you're taking care of yourself in other ways. Just in the past few days since we've been doing this, I'm getting better at thinking about the good stuff and not the bad...DUH.
SO,
1) Both kids slept until after 8am...so, even though Iwas up with S3 until midnight (I swear he fell asleep for less than 15 min. at 7pm, but then WOULD NOT GO TO SLEEP!!!), I got to sleep in a little.
2) Have nothing planned today, so I can rest, which I need
3) Got yummy pecan roll AND lemon poppyseed mini bundt cake from Panera Bread YUMMYUMMYUMMY!
4) Going now to take a nap. I'm SO tired all the time...I had a physical last fall and everything checked out. Guess I'm really physically depressed. I feel like a chump. Ok. Turned #4 into a negative...
ok ok ok...I'll do my best to not be pulled down into that negative spiral but damn I hate the spring...
I just wish that I knew when the "busy" time for h would end...or knew that there was a weekend away (even with the kids) or something to look forward to to help me deal with it...at least when a h (or w for that matter) works for a company and they have a "project" or something, there is an end date..so you have an idea as to when their "busy" time will end....with h I do not know...could be another week...could be another month...
I can deal with him comming home at 7...I don't like it...the kids don't like it...I don't think h likes it..but I can deal with it...but I'd have an easier time dealing with it if I knew when it would end and h would start comming home earlier...or for that matter stop working on saturdays...or for that matter take a weekend off for a little get away...or be unstressed enough to plan in advance for a night with me...just something to look forward to...I know h simply looks forward to comming home at the end of the day...and honestly I enjoy him just being here too...but a little extra would be nice..a little awake time..a little family time (dd is asleep usually when h arrives home)
guess it's harder when h has had a day off...and this weekend we were spoiled with him having two days off...
Quote: you can live your life believing that my h will always love you but I know for fact that eventually he will be as disgusted with you as he is with himself. You think you took something away from me but what your childish little mind doesn't yet realize is that you've given me a gift, an advantage...my h loves me more deeply now than he did before sure it's not the childish in love that you had with him but I can tell you right now my h loves me more now for accepting his disgression with you than he ever would have loved you.
sell your house and move away...go find another sap to swoon over..erase my h from your mind...he will never be yours...not even if I throw him to you...you may have given him your heart figeratively and litterally (your little charm I mentioned before that I will be selling soon) but his heart was always with me...even as he walked out the door to be with you...his heart was always with me...all you got was the child within him and soon enough that will be mine too.
so hope you enjoyed your little "escape" and your temporary "hero" (yes, I read your cute little letter tying in your song titles too) because he is yours no longer...he is devoted to his wife and children now..yes he struggling with getting over the shame of you...yes he's having trouble comforting me for the pain he has caused...but he is here and he is where he wants to be.
have a nice life ow, I throw you away just as h did.
just wanted to remind myself...is all...this is simply a "pretend" phone call or letter to ow...I would never actually waist my energy passing it on to her..but wanted to bring it here from my past thread.
In the spirit of "Ask and ye shall receive", why not just plain ask your H for what you need. Ask him to set aside a weekend in the near future for you two to get away (or whatever). He can plan his way toward that goal, get whatever he needs to get done, done, and just MAKE IT HAPPEN.
Tell him how much it would help you day to day to have something concrete like that to look forward to.
I think it sounds great and actually the last time I did mention such a thing...h did plan that little ski trip that we took...thing is this is his busiest part of the year..he is currently trying to dig himself out of a hole...customers keep calling...work keeps piling up...there's only so much he can get to..we have talked about getting away this summer for a few weekends at least...it's just the when that's in question...right now is not a good time to ask him about it (though I know that is something the c is/did try to address with him) he's swamped and stressed.
but the seed is planted already...LL just has to be patient.
Hi, LL! You ARE being patient! Good job! But I agree with Shiny - even if you don't have an "end" in sight for his long days & tired overwhelmed times, having SOMETHING to look forward to is important for ALL of us. So talk it out with him again. Talk until you both get to a place where your needs are met. It IS possible if you don't give up.
I don't know what your H's business is, just that he runs his own business. Does he have training in running his own business? Sounds like he might be nearing a point where he needs to hire some help. Would he be willing to learn how to delegate? How to trust himself to hire someone that he would trust?
I worked with a woman recently whose husband was running his own business. She had a 2 year old and also worked full time. Her H really really needed someone to do the mundane paper work, but he was too stubborn to hire someone, and wouldn't let her do it because she had a tendency to become overbearing & critical. She was DBing and had changed quite a bit, but he still was working out in their "barn" that he'd made into an office until 11 at night! Really abusing himself & neglecting his wife & child. They had gotten in touch with a good marriage counselor when I was ready to stop working. They both had hope for improveing their M, but I didn't get to find out what happened!
Anyway, just a thought. I guess I'm at that MLC place where you have made lots of mistakes and now realize that, even though you never ever believed that way, you have let work and money and finances come between you and the only things you've ever thought were important in life - your FAMILY!
So many people live that way. And are really not happy. Sounds like your H is in that yucky place. I'll pray for him and hope he can find his way out!
(((((((((LL))))))))))
I'm too tired for 3 things right now... maybe I'll log on later with some for today...
Quote: having SOMETHING to look forward to is important for ALL of us. So talk it out with him again. Talk until you both get to a place where your needs are met. It IS possible if you don't give up.
the fact that I haven't give up is ever evident in the fact that I first married h and then took him back after he left me...
h knows WE need to have some time to look forward to and is trying to make it happen...even if it's just a night a week (like last fri when he brought home a video) he is under so much stress right now and talks about looking for the light at the end of the tunnel (re work being busy) so now is not really a good time to open up that discussion...as I do know right now h simply looks forward to comming home at the end of the day.
Quote: I don't know what your H's business is, just that he runs his own business. Does he have training in running his own business? Sounds like he might be nearing a point where he needs to hire some help. Would he be willing to learn how to delegate? How to trust himself to hire someone that he would trust?
h runs a landscaping company...started it himself at 19...no real training in running a business but has blossomed from owning one truck and borrowing equiptment (and having me help out) to owning 4 trucks and two garages full of equiptment and 8 employees...
there are some things h delegates ie...certain crews are responsible for their task..he makes the "list" for them and they get it done (he hopes) some he contracts out. but the bulk of the running of the show is left to h...he is the main man..there are things he and only he does...partly because that's the way he wants it (good pr to have the actual business owner meet with you for estimates etc.) and partly because the employees don't want that responsibility. it is a lot for him...I offer to help where I can...I used to do some of his billing for him but that got passed on to new sil while I was preg with dd.
who knows perhaps someday he'll be able to delegate out more but for now "this is the way it is"
Quote: Anyway, just a thought. I guess I'm at that MLC place where you have made lots of mistakes and now realize that, even though you never ever believed that way, you have let work and money and finances come between you and the only things you've ever thought were important in life - your FAMILY!
way back when, probably just as h was starting to talk to ow as more than a customer..h sat on the deck one night asking me to rate him as a h...pointing out the things that he does...h gave work or rather being the provider 70% of being a good h...I couldn't accept that and tried to explain...h also wanted 20% for the yard work..but I had to take some of that away becuase I too cared for the yard (before the irrigation system went in it was me who was out there turning on the sprinklers at different intervals every day)
anyway back to the point...
when h first started to come home...he expressed wanting to be around for the kids more..wanting that family time more...feeling bad about not having been around much...sheesh he was lucky to realize it then..his kids are just babies...but then the spring rolled in and wham...daddy gets sucked away again...h expresses his displeasure with being so busy frequently now and though that doesn't eliminate the problem it does let me know he's aware of it.
h has been doing a lot of complaining lately...about being busy...about some customers that are giving him flack...about not having enough time in the day to get it all done...(I offer to help in anyway I can but h says there's really nothing for anyone to do..he's just gotta get through it all) I'm doing my best to not complain about it...knowing that it will end and there will be days when h is home long before all the 9-5r's are...patience...what makes it hard is all that happend...but that is the past and that is where I must leave it.
so then three possitives for today????
1. it stopped raining!! at least for a little while the sun is shining.
2. I'm painting the master bathroom (getting rid of the dark blue, h said he felt like he was in a kids bathroom...and actually I agreed..it was just fun for a bit but I wasn't thrilled with it anymore either..so now it's cream and more fitting for a master bath)
3. even though my kids drive me nuts they are cute as hell!!
4. oh ya...h did come home after all didn't he! (so don't listen to your was when they tell you "I'm never comming home", "this is what I want", "I never loved you that way", "I want a d" , "I'm in love with the op" see...they changed their mind about you once...they can certainly do it again!)
Quote: I'm painting the master bathroom (getting rid of the dark blue, h said he felt like he was in a kids bathroom...and actually I agreed..it was just fun for a bit but I wasn't thrilled with it anymore either..so now it's cream and more fitting for a master bath)
You must like to paint, LL. How did the dining room turn out? Did your H like it?
Quote: You must like to paint, LL. How did the dining room turn out? Did your H like it?
I just like to make things look nice and if that takes painting well someones gotta do it right?
the dining room came out awesome...just have to put more pictures on the wall..but the painting is all done...and I love it..h loves it..and I get many compliments on it...
I know you don't listen to me, but I will give my 2 cents.
YARD- What's wrong with having his employee do the work. What's wrong with just grass, get rid of all the fancy stuff that requires so much care. Set a time limit on the yard, make agreement with H yard will be 7 hours a week. I think he is using the yard to avoid spending time with you.
BUSINESS- Most entrepuor sp cannot transition to a bigger business, they get to involved in the details and end up wasting time and spending too much time at the job, because they feel they need to control everything. He needs to hire a manger for the business. Needs to think as a manager and say can this activity I am doing be done cheaper by my employee. As far as the estimates, a local salesman can easily do that for a commission. He is the typical male who defines his identity by his work. Make agreement to he be home by 6pm, and you are willing to have less money because of that. He needs to be more efficient of his time. Again he is using the work to avoid spending time with you.
NIGHT OUT-Once a week night out, let him know in advance when and where and continue to let him know during the week, so his excuses are mute. When he says he don't feel like it, tell him tough you need a night out. He needs to move out of he comfort zone.
OLD SELF- It sounds like he is slipping into his old patterns, and needs a wake up call. You may be enabling this.
LOVE TANK-A "marriagebuilders.com" it talks about the love tank concept, this is way out of H's comfort zone, but it might help him realize why he is failing, if he was doing daily love tank checks.
lemon poppyseed mini bundt cake from Panera Bread YUMMYUMMYUMMY!
